"maybe if you weren't so shy?.." Jade says as we walk to our English class, I look at her and slyly nod, upset that I was once again told what to be like.
" ewwww! look at Annys chops!" my old school nenemis yells, now if this was when the hallway was empty, I seriously would have not cared, but it was at the busiest time of the day and a lot of snickers spread through the fellow peers who surrounded, some even agreed. Jade didn't even care, she just put her head down and kept walking. As I usually do, I passed Bella and she stared at me, begging me to talk to her. You see Bella and me had a huge fallout, over nothing. I was just over her telling me I'm perfect and trying to get me to eat her lunch, the stuff she didn't want, I want to do things, like drugs and go out partying, she goes to church and is a goody two shoes. I can't do things like that with her.
Once again, the walls and looks from people cut deeper in me than a knife, reminding me of how many flaws I have. But now they also tell me, that everyone only talks to me out of sorrow. Feeling sorry for me because of my strict parents and silly church. That no matter how much makeup I put on or how little food I eat I'm still not good enough.
If that's not enough Rachel is ruining me. She broke up with Daniel but now she's with Bella's brother. What really annoys me is that I grew up with him basically, he saw me at my best and at my worst, he has always been a friend to me and now he's with the person who is trying to kill me.
"Why don't you just kill yourself?", Rachel yells at me from the other side of the cafeteria. I stop dead in my tracks and turn around, staring at her.
"Maybe," I pause, knowing the truth in this," maybe I will".
"Oi snap out of it," I hear fingers clicking in front of me. I look up at Jade, who's leaning on my desk.
"Sorry," I mumble," what?" I ask her. Knowing she'll need a pencil or something.
"Aaron asked me out while you were in your coma thing," Aaron was a year older, but he had his eyes on Jade and vise versa.
" oh cool," I felt like a zombie, I was starving, hurting and if that wasn't enough I have my last class with Rachel today. Other than homeroom, me and her shared Art together, but I talked to the head of year about changing classes into woodwork, the only down fall with that is I have a class with Bella. Whom I still haven't fixed things with. But I don't want to.
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You know how in the movies the mirror has a huge say in almost everything? Snow Wight for example. The mirror tells the step mother she's not good enough- but her daughter is. Well that's how I'm feeling. I wanted to be out of class as much as I could for Art so I asked to go to the bathroom. Which of course the teacher said yes.
But now I'm looking in the mirror that's telling me, I'm not good enough. Once again I stare at my reflection looking at how I can improve.
The curves. Less would be good.
Your legs are to fat!
More makeup.
Ew those shoes really?
Turns out the black ones weren't good enough, Chloe of course had the decency to tell me that. So I'm wearing some of the $3 cheap ones from Kmart now. Not that I'm complaining they are so much more comfortable.
When I walk back into the class everyone's talking, but Rachel is staring at me with the coldest look in her eyes. I sigh and walk over to the desk. I'm still forced to sit with her, but one more lessen then I'll be okay.
"Look what came out of the toilet", I swear she doesn't realise how much her words hurt me, especially now that Chloe's leaving me. You can't escape. I ignore her, which is something I'm good at, ignoring the words, they don't hurt as much as they should, but then again I've grown comfortably numb.
" answer me bitch!" I stare at her, my turn giving the icy glare.
" what am I supposed to say? Aw thanks for telling me to kill myself? Thanks for being a big bitch and making my life a living hell! Oh btw thanks for dating Owen!( Bella's brother) cause no way in hell are you getting that from me!" She stares at me, hurt, I bite my tongue holding in the words that will hurt her the most.
"Is that all you got?", I roll my eyes, our parents know each other which came as a surprise on both parts.
"I figured out how our parents met", I whisper this," through the abortion clinic".
I know I hurt myself then as well but I already thought I didn't need to be alive so I don't feel that pain. I just roll my eyes at her. And continue to do my school work, were drawing this flower thing. I don't even know.
"What?", he voice comes out soft, choked as if she's crying.
"I think you heard and understood me", she raises her hand and I snap at her," you told me to kill myself, we can both get in serious trouble for this," her hand comes down instantly. I don't show any emotion. I'm getting better at this. Being Emo. Jade agrees.
"Maybe we shouldn't talk anymore", I scoff at her words, I've been trying to tell her this for the past 4 weeks!
"Of course now you would agree with me", I have no time, she's asking for sympathy and a apology but to be completely honest, I wouldn't have given it to her even if all human civilisation depended on it. I hate that girl, with a strong passion.
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When I get home the first thing I do is go to my room and pull out my blade. Drawing a picture on my thigh, I cry. It hurts way to much. I shouldn't have said anything, the regret is here and to be honest? I don't care. I cut. I sigh, I get up and watch a movie in the lounge room. I sit there pretending nothing is wrong.
After cutting is always the same thing, I don't feel anything. Everything that happens is just a blur. But as soon as I get to bed I cry. I cry myself to sleep. I cry because I hate my life. I cry because everything hurts to much, and I cry because of Rachel. I hate that girl. I would kill her if I could. And I hate murder so that's saying something.
Authors note 🔥🔥🔥💥💥💥
Oh heyyyyy all my wonderful readers! Another chapter is up! Now please don't be a silent reader! Tell me what you think, ask questions.
So I thought I would add in a behind the scenes note in all the chapters so you get a better idea :)
This weeks one is that day, was the key event to everything else that happens. If I was to pin point all of the events that happened that year this day was the one. Rachel really did tell me to kill myself, and I was numb. So I didn't really care about my abortion note. So more drama soon!
Please tell me what you think, I don't want to be writing something and have no idea what you guys are getting.
Love ya's!! 💗💗💗💗
