A Gentleman's Kiss

Building Passion

We’ve had some disagreements the past few days. We’ve also somehow stopped talking for the time being. I was preoccupied and stressed with my studies and work. I frequently got cross, frustrated, and needy. He in the meantime, got me confused. One day we were okay, the next day he just disappeared. I couldn’t read him even if I wanted to. I wanted to be part of his life, but it seemed he didn’t want me.  His life and disposition was too different from mine. I was being too immature not to understand how busy he was. But somehow I was deeply wishing he’d really have a bit of time for me as well, if he was really into me as what I feel. Or was it just a wish?

I so wanted him: I needed to hear his voice, I needed to see him, I needed to be with him. But I couldn’t lay all my cards at his feet just to get his whole attention; he’s not mine after all. Everything is so unclear. Well, practically, I already voiced out how I felt about him. It wasn’t simple attraction anymore; I already had feelings for him. Was it the attachment I felt? Yes! The more I couldn’t talk to him, the more I longed for him. Was he doing it on purpose? I don’t know. Or maybe he just doesn’t care at all; I was after all immaterial for him. With those thoughts I just decided to lay it off, after admitting how I felt for him. Maybe because, after all the years, it’s just me who made relationships work. It’s just me who had the love to keep working things out. And in the end, I get spent and tired emotionally I have no love left for myself. With those fears in mind, I decided I’d wake up the next day forgetting about him.

And so I did.

I kinda woke up late that morning. I really wasn’t in the mood to go to work or do anything for that matter. I couldn’t imagine the thought of facing him and putting on a fake smile pretending nothing happened or there wasn’t any word shared the previous night. I mindlessly waited for a ride, my thoughts running elsewhere, but fate was trying to trick me to my limits.

Was fate playing harsh on me? I’ve counted at least a dozen bloody red cars pass by me. Obviously that will instantly remind me of him. Red is our favorite color, the bright shade, devilish red.

And fate did really poke the shit out of me. I saw him! He was driving, with his stare focused on the road. Should I wave? Will he see me? Did he see me? And for whatever goddamn reason, why did I choose to wear red that day?

He did see me and slowed down until he came to a full stop a few meters away. I walked a little slowly, for my heart was beating madly as I was nearing. What should I do? What should I say? What the hell should I think? I wasn’t prepared for this. Should I be stubborn and decline and just be late for work?  Or should I let myself go and hug him the instant I see him? Mental debates had always been my sickness, and that day wasn’t an exemption. So I got in and gave him a small smile.

Obviously the most appropriate thing to ask was “How are you?” considering all the time he was dead on the communication lines.

But his answer to me was a question as well, “Are you angry at me?”

Definitely that broke the tension in me and answered, “No, why should I?”

That didn’t seem to convince him much. He drove on. I was just silent in my seat. Half pretending to be sleepy, and half pretending not to be angry. I can’t help but steal glances at him as we talked, I so missed him I wanted to look at him and memorize his face so when I close my eyes I still could see him. I felt pathetic and pitiful at being drawn so much to him. And also, for fate to be playing around with me like this, I felt really sick in the gut. Have your laugh now fate, I won’t let you toy me around for long!

We had our small talks, I was being normal. In the middle of some conversations, he somehow explained how busy he was and how focused he is in his work. Okay fate, enough of making me feel guilty not understanding him. But please? I already decided to let go of my feelings for him and he knows it. So why the hell is he still explaining? I was mindlessly watching the road ahead while wishfully thinking. Okay fate, I surrender, do what you want to do with me.

I can’t express how much I missed him, and how sorry I was to see him looking so tired and I can’t do anything about it. And I felt cross at myself for adding up stress for him because of my pesky, clingy, and highly emotional attitude. Who was I anyway to bother him all the time? Again, another mental debate with my own cluttered brain.

And so the usual, we arrived at my workplace, he parked and looked at me finally. Maybe to him it was just a plain look, but for me it was a long hard stare. I didn’t know what it meant; I couldn’t read what it meant. I just suddenly felt warm all over. What is with his eyes anyway? But that gaze, as usual, melted me. It disintegrated my resolve, and dissolved my will. Without another thought I kissed him and gave him a real smile. Then everything felt okay, at least for me. He looked relieved though, and I had hoped it made him happy.

I hugged him, and he hugged me as well. I started to kiss his cheek repeatedly, as if there wasn’t any tomorrow.

His voice was low and smooth when he asked “Did you miss me?” 

I instantly answered “So much.”

Playfully, he asked again, “Really?” and as I said “Yes” I shut his lips with mine in a deep kiss.

Yes I did take the initiative of being slightly intimate with him. I guess that was my form of taking back what I said, and half of it was to prove to him how much I missed him. Maybe, just like him, words are insufficient to express how one really feels; it’s in the actions that prove intentions and emotions. Without any thought we continued kissing. It wasn’t anymore the romantic airy teasing kiss we shared before, this one had more passion. And tongue.

Would I be taken aback by it? Or should I return it.

I chose the latter.

I forgot the fact that it was a semi-public place. There was the seclusion of the area though, and there wasn’t anyone around to top it off. I could get carried away a bit, kissing felt so good. He’d nibble my lips with his, and I’d do the same. I’d run my tongue around his lips until his own met mine. Then we’d lock lips again until we had to gasp for air.

But he’d stop from time to time, and would pull back to look at me. I was actually wondering what it meant. Was it self-control? I couldn’t say he didn’t like the fact we were kissing, if he didn’t, he would’ve stopped immediately and wouldn’t respond at all. Well, could men fake it off? That I really don’t know. But his frequent stops and controls left me wondering.

I remember asking “Why?” whenever he stopped or pulled back.

And finally he answered, “Not here. Not in this place. You don’t deserve to be treated such way.”

That was a big tug at my heartstrings.

“Someone might see, I don’t want to cause you any trouble.” He added.

I answered subconsciously, “I don’t care!” and kissed him again.

He was really good at self-control; he was able to push me back a little, with his hands holding me on my arms, his face at least several inches away from mine so I could stare into his mesmerizing eyes.

He then said, “I respect you. You’re not just an ordinary girl for me. You deserve to be treated better than this.” And that made me completely stop.

The feeling was really different. But I couldn’t put a finger at it to identify what it was.

I smiled widely and prepared to get off, but before I did, I needed several small quick kisses from him and I was giggling in happiness while doing so. And then I said goodbye, got off, and walked away.

I know I should’ve said “I love you” but I chose not to.

Maybe I really am unprepared for the real meaning of it.

I haven’t woken up from my childishness. He’s treating me like a woman, even though I’m consistently acting like a dreamy-eyed girl.

I guess I have to prove that love I feel for him, not as the girl I am, but the woman who can be by his side.