A Gentleman's Kiss

Reprise

Reprise

~seikiunne11

Some good things never last. So they say.

Well, they were right.

I was right.

I knew it all along this won’t be what I wish it’d be.

We always get lost amidst the romance. We savor every moment that you meet, that you share a sweet moment. We always reminisce, remembering the hugs, the kisses, and all the intimacy that have created a mark within your heart. We always dream how it could go on and on, seemingly soaring through clouds of endless love.

But little do we consider thinking about this; what to do when it all ends? What happens afterwards you get your heart shattered? What would it take you to walk away alone, forgetting all that was share with that person you loved?

Everything has to end one way or the other. Whether it is decisions or fate, however you are in love, life eventually separates you from your beloved. It only depends on how it affects you, how you see it, and what happens afterwards. How do you deal with pain?

I made the big decision of leaving my work so that I could finish my degree within a year. I was being well supported by my mother, and I never would waste that one shot at making a better career. I had to tell him of course about my plans, and how we could possibly work around it considering the great chances we won’t be seeing each other that often.

It took awhile before he actually made a reply; he didn’t believe I’d really do it not until the day he found out I wasn’t coming to work anymore. He suddenly showed up and berated at me for an hour or so, asking why I had been so unfair not telling him. I had to slap him to his senses that he was the one who disappeared and had the guts to get mad at me.

We’ve had quarrels frequently and ended up not talking for several days. It was shitty and ugly, I mean, I could see how you slowly lose someone and you can’t do anything about it. He understood what I needed to do; he also had things he needed to do. But why would I force to be in a situation that doesn’t need to be rationalized; if it’s the end, then so be it.

I for one, being in the situation, prepared myself for the possibility that it was merely a game for him. The moment I met him, the day I knew about his life, I knew it was just a break from his failed relationship. And I too have to admit, it was a pleasant surprise, coming out of a failed relationship as well. It suddenly dawned at me that it had been a mutual predation; it was merely a breather. Unfortunately, after four months, it was time’s up for us. We had to get back to reality.

I have to face my life and my demons, on my own. While he, I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to know. His life isn’t as complicated as mine, and I’ve recently discovered one big difference that I knew will never make “us” work. He always says I’m too pessimistic about things.

I am a real bad realist, I always think of the worst situation and how I could deal with it; how do I survive on my own. Reality check, my mother is my only family. Time will come I will be left alone in the world. I have to prepare for that demon as much as I could.

He meanwhile, with everything he has: his family, his job, his hundreds of friends, he has everything in his hands that’s why reality for him is always good. It’s only his indecision, his pride and his stupid ego that makes him screw up his own life.

I have a bad personality of boosting someone’s ego. That was how I was able to see through him; how I saw the worst of his attitude. I was indeed stupid enough to love him even through that; accept someone’s attitude and disposition was a little sacrifice. It is a bad habit of mine of accepting people for who they are. That is how I love, no questions, no ifs and buts. Because that is the same way I want to be loved.

But sadly, I’ve never been loved that way.

I unfortunately always get thrown into the lion’s den: I am the lion who needs to be tamed and conquered, then afterwards slain and left behind. Or sometimes I am considered to be some trophy to be won, and then afterwards laid forgotten, dusty and molded on a display shelf. I guess it is always my mistake that I fall easily, that I trust easily.

I remember once being reprimanded; don’t give away your heart too easily, because if you do, it comes back to you lesser than it was.

I keep taking those words for granted, that is why I always end up like this: crying for quite some time, then getting over it, and then repeating the same process until I feel I’m just screwing my emotions up.

I am crying at the moment, while typing this. It has been more than a month since we’ve talked. I hid the sadness; I shook the feelings away instantly. I waited for the right time to write, so I could be free of everything once I end this chapter of my life. The rain is pouring, as well as my tears trickle down my cheek.

~

“How are you?"

Out of nowhere, months after we last talked, I texted him one Sunday morning.

“I miss you,” was his reply.

I felt shaken to the core. I wasn’t expecting that. My heart quivered in my chest. I knew him well; he was never honest of how he truly feels. Or maybe this was one of his usual word plays. Whichever it was, my heart dictated it was real.

I asked how he was doing, what was he up to now, and just some random updates about him. He was weirdly quick in answering all my questions, and also weird that he wasn’t asking me anything. The conversation came down to how we used to talk when we were together, how I joked, how we debated on silly things, and how we simply were.

“I miss you.”

He said it again. I teared up. He really did mean those words.

“I miss you too.”

I made the reply, sadly, undeniably. I really did miss him, and so did he. He didn’t reply for quite awhile, I was guessing he was doing the same as I did: stare at the message for a long time. It was a mixture of disbelief and longing for me, for him I don’t know. But suddenly he asked:

“When are you leaving?”

How in the world did he know? I wasn’t planning on telling anyone about my trip for my studies, and I have no definite date yet because I was waiting for approval.

“How did you know?” I was really surprised.

“I don’t remember. I stalk you maybe?”

“Quit joking. I hardly told anyone about my trip.” My heart was pounding, why on earth would he ask around about me?

“So when are you leaving? For how long?"

I didn’t answer.

"When will you come back?”

I didn’t know what to answer.

Deep in me, I wish I could see him.

And deeper within me, I wish.

I wish I had reason to come back.

~

10/23/2013

1:36am

Author’s note: So this is the end. I entitled this “Reprise”, the title of one of the songs from Studio Ghibli’s ‘Spirited Away’, for two reasons: first was I was really listening to it while I was typing this, and second is because of its meaning. Reprise means ‘a repeated passage in music’ and this coincidentally is how I feel with my life and how I love. I wish, in the long run, that the reprise wouldn’t be a sad sonata, but a beautiful melody that warms the heart.

Thank you for staying with me until the end.

With all my love,

G. =^_^=