Taking Command Book 2 (Kylux)

Chapter 22: Memories

Kylo PoV

I lay awake next to Hux in bed. I listened to the soft noise of his breathing and wished I could sleep as soundly as he did.

Everyday I felt this nagging guilt. It was something I would never admit, and something I would always try to hide. It was guilt that stemmed from betrayal. I had betrayed many people I had once loved, people who had taught me. Luke, my family, my fellow Jedi, and even Snoke had all fallen to my treachery.

Even now, my current task was to kill my parents. Hux was so impassive about it. I envied his pure nerve and unshakeable stomach. But at times, I wondered if I could ever be that cold. Hux was all ice. He saw it all as business and basic strategy. The people he killed, and the people he ordered me to kill were merely obstacles to him.

He was not cruel, however. He was more than happy to try to compromise, and I had seen him spare lives in exchange for favors or benefits. He did not want to take lives, and seemed to prefer to make deals. And in our personal life, I saw a tender, vulnerable side of him that no one else saw.

"What do I do?" I whispered to the ceiling. "I don't think I can actually kill them." I had said it. I had voiced my cowardice. I had killed Luke, I had killed other apprentices, but these were my parents. They had raised me, and they wanted the best. They had always wanted that.

But now they actively rally others to undermine you and your husband and both of your goals. A treacherous voice in the back of his head said. They must die. You know Hux thinks so.

"It's not that simple." I whispered into the darkness as I rolled over in an effort to soothe myself to sleep. I felt Hux stir.

"What's wrong?" He propped himself on his elbows, turning on a dim light. His pale face and disheveled ginger hair were thrown into contrast against the darkness around us. His blue eyes were full of sleep.

"Nothing." I lied. "I just couldn't sleep."

"You're a horrible liar, Ben." He called me by the name that he only used when we were together, in private. "What's this all about? Ever since I gave you the mission to find Leia and Han, you have been restless. Did I push too hard?" He asked me, concerned about me.

"No." I replied, honestly this time. "I just am being weak." I clenched my fist, feeling my nails dig into my skin. "I will do it. I will arrange to meet tomorrow. I swear."

Hux still looked worried. "Are you sure? I can always task a Knight of Ren or a special ops trooper to do this."

His intentions, though meant well, just put me more on edge. "I said I'm fine." I replied tersely. "There's no need to doubt me."

"I don't." Hux put an arm around me. "But I know that you are feeling conflicted. Don't forget, we are more than conquerors. We are a union. A family. And I know you. I know that you second guess yourself and worry. And I'm telling you not to. It will be fine." He kissed me on the head. "I love you, Kylo. Now please, get some rest. I can get us breakfast in bed tomorrow."

"Of course, Hux." I sighed as I watched him burrow down again and almost instantly start snoring. I wished I could just make myself feel better that quickly, but my memories were not  quite ready to release their hold on me.