I've stopped
looking for Matty
in the hallways
between classes
as I used to do.
I've stopped
expecting her
to be waiting by
my locker
every morning
before homeroom,
a cheerful distraction
from all the
students crying queer
when I first arrive.
I've stopped
seeing her
out of the corner
of my eye,
and in the storm clouds
passing overhead,
and on the swings
of the playground
I pass on my way home -
the ones we sat on
while talking about
everything
and nothing
at all.
It's like
her presence
has just evaporated from
my life,
a slim shadow
chased away
by the growing darkness -
and I
have only myself
to blame.
Maybe if I hadn't
kept pushing her
to tell me what was wrong,
if I had stuck
with the status quo
that she had created
to shield herself
from my nagging inquiries...
Or maybe this
was bound to happen
anyway,
regardless of her
current problems.
Maybe she didn't
want to feel
obligated
to someone like
me -
someone caught
in the middle,
stuck between
two extremes.
'Indecisive,'
as I've heard
many times before,
or 'rebellious,'
unwilling to conform
to the social standards
of gender, to
'pick one
and stick with it.'
Maybe she didn't
want me to
drag her down
when I myself
am such a
contradictory
person.
And I
don't blame her -
I wouldn't want
to be friends with
a neither,
a freak,
a shade of grey
stuck in the midst of
stark black and white.
If being
agender
is the only thing
that truly
defines me,
then Matty has
every right
to distance herself.
I mean,
the rest of the world
has already made it
perfectly clear
how horrible
that really is -
how horrible
being myself is.
So if I
am just so
terrible
for something that I
can't control,
then I can see
how I've deserved
everything
that has been thrown
my way
for all these years.
×
SORRY, I LIED, THIS IS THE REALLY EMOTIONAL CHAPTER OKAY BYE--
Just to clarify, this is not meant to bash on agender and other non-binary people at all. This is just the result of Cam being told that they're not good enough because they aren't a traditional gender, etc. Their opinion in this chapter isn't valid, I guess - agender and other non-binary people are beautiful and wonderful and completely normal. Please don't ever feel like this, any of you. Anyone in general, really - I'll beat up anyone who tells anyone that they're less than human for any reason at all.
Alright, rant/disclaimer aside - if you guys liked this chapter, I would love if you would vote and leave me some feedback below! It would be very much appreciated! c:
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Misalignment | ✔
Teen Fiction"There are a million shades of grey between their black and their white - but no one ever cares to see them." In a world with a limited view of gender, Cam Shills struggles to come to terms with their identity as neither male nor female, a shade of...
