Harry Potter OC Critiques [PAUSED]

4 - Kawaii-Desu-Potato

[I totally didn't procrastinate starting this and then end up convincing myself to keep off the Caps Lock. Nope. Didn't happen. Anyway, this isn't the worst OC I've seen. Mostly. But she dIDN'T STICK TO THE FORM WHICH WOW THANKS.]

Name: Allium Esme

[Allium: why Allium? This is a really uncommon and vaguely pretentious name which is just a flower? Why not just make her a Natalie or a Mary?

Esme: is, as far as I've researched, not a last name

Basically, if you don't absolutely have to give a character a completely fancy name, don't, and Esme is not a last name.]

Age: 14

[YOU KNOW I LIKE TO HAVE HER DOB]

Height: 5"2

Sexual Orientation: Straight.

[*sighs* at least I didn't see a mention of a romantic subplot]

Weight: 150 lb.

[slightly chubby yeah!!!]

Year: 4

House: Ravenclaw

Appearance: Crimson, curly red hair and narrow silver eyes. Her nose is rather small and is red no matter what she does. Over her right eye, a section of the silver that is lighter in her eye looks like a small cut going under her pupil, earning her the nickname 'Slit' from her older brother.

[Crimson, curly hair. That's certainly dramatic. And grey eyes, with pigment dispersion disorder, which is rare and usually only occurs in middle aged people who've had wonky exposure to light. Why such a dramatic appearance? Does PDS run in her family? How does this affect her?]

Parents: Jewelle Esme and Matt Esme

[Jewelle? JEWELLE? Also, please put in race/species(both species and what percentage of her parentage is magic), so I know if this is a wizarding thing or just bad naming?]

Siblings: Autumn Esme (her twin sister) and Alex Esme (Her older brother by 3 years)

[Is giving the females ridiculous names and the males completely normal names just A Thing?]

Friends: Eveline Mex, Artie Kainne, and Lauren Mystery. [All Ravenclaws]

[Mystery is Not a Last Name. Kainne is also Not a Last Name. Mex is Not a Last Name. Please Look Up Actual Last Names.]

Personality: She's usually very open and kind, but she ends up yelling when people start talking during the night.

[Why would you hate on innocent cinnamon rolls like that, Allium? Also, this? Is? Really? Contradictory? I'm super nice, but the second you do anything I don't like I become a complete jerk!!!! Cinnamon Roll But Scary as a stereotype generally manifests irl as "I am nice, I am kind, I am understanding, but you threaten deeply-held beliefs and I will kill you", and it actually takes a real threat to bring it out. People talking at night is really mild, and wouldn't really bring this out. Does she just act nice, and is actually really offensive in her head? Does she like people?]

She feels upset when she's not good enough at any subject, making her try harder. In this situation, studying is her priority. Other than that, she enjoys singing.

[Why singing that makes no sense? Also, these two characteristics dON'T MAKE ANY SENSE TOGETHER

WHERE IS THE BLOODY CONTINUITY

You've basically haphazardly combined three personalities?

1. Fluffy Cinnamon Roll with a Spine