I Pray for Death

Chapter Six

My emotions switched so many times that day I didn’t know if I was coming or going.  Realizing Grayson was watching me had caused distress and panic.  Finding the roof access door caused elation but my hopes were crushed at finding it locked.  In the bathroom at lunch I had found a stray bobby pin on the floor and my hopes rose once again.  I waited for my chance to slip away and breaking into the lock was surprisingly easy.  

On the roof, I tilted my head back and felt freedom.  I planned to stand and soak that feeling in for as long as I could and take it with me when I jumped.  For the first time in my life, I wasn’t scared of dieing.  With those thoughts and an image of Shadye in my mind, I took the first step toward the edge, only to have my peace disintegrate at the sound of Grayson’s voice.  

His story of abuse and neglect caused a change of heart that I never saw coming.  I felt awful that he had to live through that but I was also grateful that he made it out alive.  I wanted to live, didn’t we all want a life of happiness and pleasure, but I always thought that sort of life wasn’t for me to have.  

Grayson offered help.  I didn’t know if he would be successful in helping me get away from my parents but at least I could say I tried.  I could say they had broken my body but not my spirit, even if my spirit was as close to dead as possible.  Realizing his fear of heights had made me see that he cared.  He cared enough about me to stand near the edge of a three-story drop off and talk me away from the edge, even though I could see his own fear on his face.

Taking his hand had been the biggest step I had made toward freedom.  The memories of Shayde and the past two years would haunt me forever but now I would have someone to help me carry the burden that lay on me.  

I lead Grayson down the steps and into the hallway.  Slumping against the wall his breathing was harsh and his hands trembling.  “Don’t ever do that again, I don’t know what scared me worse the height or the thought of you jumping.”  His voice was gentle and his eyes were probing me for a promise I couldn’t give just yet.

“Your fear is that bad, huh?”  I said at a loss for anything else to say.  I wasn’t exactly used to normal conversations.  

He nodded and straightened up, pushing away from the wall.  “We should go.”  

I waited for him to pass me so I could follow.  He led me out the front door to a blue car, where he opened the door for me and waited for me to get in.  Fear gripped me as I glanced into the dark interior.  What if he was lying?  What if he was just like my parents?  He noticed my hesitance and made a move to touch my arm in reassurance but I pulled back before he could touch me.

“Memory, I’m not going to force you in the car.  I swore I would never hurt you and I meant it.  I only want to help.”  He said and raised his hands up next to his head, palm out.

I took a deep breath and slowly moved forward.  I was more scared to go with him than I had been to step off the roof.  I got in and buckled my seat belt as I waited for him to come around and get in.  I hadn’t ridden in a car since Shayde’s funeral.  The enclosed space and the smell brought back memories of that bitter day that I didn’t want to relive.  As soon as the car started, I rolled down the window and leaned into the fresh air.  

“What’s your last name?”  Grayson asked as he pulled out onto the street.  

“Noire.”  I whispered into the wind flowing past my face.  

I realized then that I was the embodiment of my name.  Black memories seemed to be the only ones I had left, all the good times in my life seemed more like dreams from another life.  All the good memories faded away, along with Shayde.  Despair weighed heavy on me as I rode to Grayson’s house.  How would I hide there with my parents right next door?  What if they discovered I was only feet away from them?