RENT (Lynnexa AU)

Goodbye Love

Lynn

After the funeral, Max's casket was getting buried. We all met where she would be buried, and we all brought a rose to lay on top of it. No one exchanged words, it was dead silence except the sound of the wind and leaves rustling on the ground while some of us walked on them. After we put our roses down, we kind of just looked at each other, and were still silent. We all started to walk away, but Steven stayed back.

While we were walking, Alexa was walking on my left, and Jenna on her left. I didn't know if she knew I was leaving for Santa Fe soon. Someone might've told her, probably Brendon. She looked over at me, and I looked back at her. Her eyes looked red and puffy. Kind of like how mine were before I stopped crying earlier. Whenever I looked at her, I always first noticed her eyes.

"It's true you sold your guitar and bought a car?" she asked.

"It's true. I'm leaving now for Santa Fe. It's true you're with this yuppy scum?"

"You said you'd never speak to her again," said Jenna.

"Not now," said Alexa.

"Hey, who said you have any say in who she says things to at all?" asked Sarah.

"Yeah," I agreed.

"Who said for you to put your nose in other people's--" started Hayley before she was interrupted by Sarah.

"Who said I was talking to you?"

"We used to have this fight each night, she'd never admit I was right," said Hayley.

"Lynn's the same way. She's always run away, hit the road, don't commit, well, you're full of shit!"

"Sarah barely gave in an inch with me, I gave a mile! Alexa gave a mile too, Lynn!"

"Gave a mile to who?"

"Come on, guys, chill!" said Brendon.

"I'd be happy to die for a taste of what Max had. Someone to live for and unafraid to say I love you," said Alexa.

"Cut the shit, Alexa. Love's not a three-way street, you'll never share real love till you love yourself, I should know!"

"Hey! You all said you'd be cool today. Please... For my sake," said Steven. "I can't believe she's gone... I can't believe you're going. I can't believe this family must die. Max helped us believe in love, I can't believe you disagree... I can't believe this is goodbye."

I walked away from all the fighting without saying goodbye to anybody. The only person I would be saying goodbye to was Brendon because he'd be the last person I see before I leave.

Back at our apartment, I started finishing my packing. Brendon walked into my room and watched me pack. He was the most torn about me leaving. He still had Alexa downstairs, it's not like he'll be lonely. Steven would still come around again during Christmas. He made friends with Hayley despite her being his ex-girlfriend's new girlfriend, and since what happened at the funeral caused Hayley and Sarah to make up, according Brendon, he had Sarah too.

I was still torn about Alexa and Jenna. Alexa was obviously angry at me, I didn't see any sign of her missing me, seeing how she pointed out I didn't do a good job of being a girlfriend to her. I was still mad at her too, but I couldn't stay mad forever. She couldn't either, right?

"I hear they have great restaurants out there... Some of the best."

"How could she?"

"How could you let her go?"

"...I don't know."

"Maybe you'll see why when you stop escaping your pain. At least now if you try, Max's death won't be in vain."

"Her death is in vain."

"Are you insane? There's so much for you to care about. There's me, there's Alexa--"

"Alexa's got her baggage, too."

"So do you."

"Who are you to tell me what I know, what to do?"

"A friend."

"But who, Brendon, are you? Brendon's got his work, they say Brendon lives for his work, they say Brendon's in love with his work!"

"Brendon hides in his work."

"From what? From facing your failure? From facing your loneliness? From facing the fact you live a lie?"

"What do you mean 'live a lie?'"

"You're always preaching not to be numb, when that's how you thrive! You pretend to create and observe when really you detach from feeling alive."

"Perhaps it's because I'm the one of us to survive... Alexa still loves you, are you really that jealous or afraid that Alexa's weak?"

"Alexa did look pale..."

"Alexa's gotten thin, Alexa's running out of time and you're running out the door!"

"I've gotta go."

I grabbed two of my bags, and opened the door, and heard creaking stairs and footsteps. Alexa. She approached me before I could walk down the stairs.

"You heard..?" I asked.

"Every word..." Her voice was scratchy, and she sounded weak. Brendon was right...

"I, um, I just came to say goodbye."

This was my chance. I could pour out all my feelings to her, how I still love her, and when we fought in the alley I regretted leaving, that we can fix what we had and be us again.

"Goodbye, Alexa."

But I didn't.

I walked past her down the stairs, and went outside. I opened that trunk of my car and put my bags in there. I felt like I was forgetting something, it was just me without my guitar. It felt different. I drove away, and didn't look back before I did.

Tears started to fill my eyes, but not because of the wind in my face. Saying bye to Brendon was hard enough. And him telling me I shouldn't go was worse. And seeing Alexa like that, that felt like a bowling ball thrown to my stomach at full speed. I knew I should've stayed, but if I stay, my problems will stay with me. If I go, I can leave my problems here. They won't follow me to Santa Fe.

At least I hoped.