RENT (Lynnexa AU)

Without You

Lynn

Everything started going downhill from there. Some things were okay, other stuff, not even close.

One night when I was at her apartment, I caught her with a needle, ready to inject heroine into her veins. I went home after that. She came by later and told me she put the needle down after I left. I didn't know whether to believe her or not, even though I trust her. I said it didn't matter, and we should just put it behind us.

She started coming to life support meetings with Max, Steven, and I. Less people started going. We all knew why. Max stopped going too, but not because she died. She didn't die yet, but she was in the hospital. Everything for her was just getting worse too.

Another night, Alexa was staying the night with me. She just finished taking a shower. I heard the faucet go off when she finished, but she stayed in there long after it did. I went in there to check on her, and she was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, crying, shaking, breathing fast. She was only wrapped in a towel, and she was still soaking wet. She told me she was trying to stop doing drugs, so she was going cold turkey because she didn't want to go to rehab.

The next night, I went to go pick her up at work. I was walking there and was walking on the opposite side of the road from where the club was. She said she would be waiting outside for me, and I didn't see her. I looked into the alley way next to me, and saw a man and a woman. The woman being Alexa, and the man, her drug dealer. She was buying more drugs behind my back.

I started yelling at her, she was already crying when she saw me walking to her. I took the baggie of powder from her, and she tried taking it back from me. I told her that she didn't need to lie to me about this. I was a little angry because she did buy more drugs, yeah, but I was more angry about the lying. She said that if I didn't want any more lying between us, then I should leave her. So I did. The lying, me being angry all the time, everything, all because of her. And I couldn't handle it, and I didn't want to do anything to fix it because I thought nothing could.

Things were very awkward when we saw each other the last few times we saw Max at the hospital. I either left when she came, or she left when I came.

Max died in her sleep, Steven was there with her. I don't know how, but she still somehow kept a smile when she was in there. I wish she didn't have to see Alexa and I break up. She told us once that we loved each other more than she and Steven loved each other, but we refused to believe that because Max and Steven had something none of us have ever had. She said it was like that with me and Alexa.

When I was with her alone in the hospital one night, after Alexa and I's break up, she asked me if I was okay. I said sort of. She told me that Alexa was dating Jenna, and if I still loved her, I needed to do something, because Alexa supposedly still loved me. I said I made my decision, she broke her promise, and lied to me. But I lied to Max. I was angry with her, but I still loved her. I didn't want anyone to know. She called bullshit, and said, even though she hadn't known me that long, she knew the smile I had around Alexa and the way I looked at her was like no other, and that she knows I still love her. That was the last time I saw Max.

When Steven called us down to the hospital, we didn't have to ask why, we all knew. I didn't want to go because I knew I would see Alexa and Jenna together. I don't know why Jenna came with Alexa, she didn't know Max like we did. Despite not wanting to see then together, I knew it'd be selfish of me if I didn't.

That night, everyone was crying. Steven blubbered like a whale. I guess we would be crying like that if someone you loved left you, but not because they wanted to, they had to. They didn't have a choice. Max didn't have a choice. None of us did. And that pained us more than anything else we've ever felt.

I made a big decision in my life after that. I sold my guitar. Bought a car. It was time to accept the fact I'm never finishing a goddamn song again. I'm gonna go to Santa Fe. Nice, sunny, Santa Fe. Like how Steven described it. He wanted to go there to escape his problems here in New York. I think I'll do the same.