Her Suicide Note

Chapter Four

Adrian
For my mom, it's always been about appearances, that's why we're going to another one of the Ramsey's stupid parties.
She's spent her entire life trying to please everyone by being the ideal mom, wife, and friend. I remember when my dad said he wanted a divorce. Mom was furious, not because her marriage was over, but because all of the neighbors found out the next day. It was secretly frowned upon in Forest Drive to not have a husband or wife. The one thing these people love is a scandal whether it be exciting or boring. It gives them something to talk about for a little while.
Dad wanted out of the marriage because Mom was becoming more controlling as the days passed. It wasn't just about her being perfect anymore. Dad had to wear suits everyday even though it would be 80 degrees out and she was the one that made me try out for football and expects me to go to an Ivy League school, yet I had never planned on going to college.
When I got the choice on who to live with, I immediately thought of an easy life with Dad, but when I looked over at Mom on the other side of the courtroom, she looked defeated like the weight of the world had finally crushed her. I knew I couldn't just leave her. Who knows what she would do to herself without someone there.
When Lisa's death became the new talk of the neighborhood, Mom was so relieved. She never said how sorry she felt for Lisa and her family and she hadn't planned on going to the funeral. Without her being under scrutiny, she tried to make herself scarce until she found out about another Ramsey Party. This is her chance to redeem herself, she had told me.

Someone taps me on the shoulder and I can't help but cringe. The last thing I want is to jump into my fake story again about how I might be going to Harvard to study law-like I'd really do that.
When I turn around and see Bianca, I almost sigh in relief. Though she's not friendly with me, I know I don't have to pretend around her.
"Hey!" I say loudly, making sure the couple I was just talking to, the Linwoods, can hear. "Guys, this is my friend, Bianca." I know I'm being unfair by pushing her under the light, but it's only for a second. "I actually have to talk to you. It was nice to see you again Mr. and Mrs. Linwood."
"And you too, Adrian," Mr. Linwood replies, raising his bottle of beer up towards me. "Keep those grades up. I'm sure Harvard would love to have you."
I smile at him before taking Bianca by the upper arm and basically dragging her away. "Get off of me!" she growls once we're out of earshot. "What did I tell you about touching me?"
"Sorry," I say quickly. "I just had to get out of there."
She turns around to look back at the Linwoods, nodding in understanding. "Oh," she says before turning back to me, her eyebrows quirked up questioningly. "Harvard? Really? Couldn't have gone for something more believable?"
"Hey, they believed it," I point out.
"I mean for the people living in reality," she says.
"What, you don't think Harvard would accept me?" I question.
"Nope," she states and I have to take a step back at how blunt she is.
"You know, you don't have to be so mean," I tell her. "I've been nothing but nice to you today."
"Oh, what? You thought that changed things?" She laughs humorlessly. "You're funny. I don't need anyone's pity, especially yours."
She whirls around on her heels and walks away. Not willing to let her go so easily, I follow, catching up with her in no time. "I'm not pitying you," I defend myself. "I just want to get to know you."
"Why?" she asks. "The only reason you know I exist now is because of Lisa's death. I know your little buddy Nathan couldn't shut up about it."
"Hey, I knew about you before she died," I say, getting a little angry. I understand that she's not a Nathan fan, but she doesn't have to lump me with him. We have some similarities, but we're also very different.
"Sorry, let me correct myself: You never talked to me until she died."
"Hey," I say making her stop and turn towards me. For a moment I forget what I'm about to say. Her glasses make her blue eyes even bigger but not in bug-eye way. She has her curly hair up in a bun and when I glance down, I see a pair of old black vans adorning her feet. I hide my smile. Definitely not something the daughters here would wear to a party. "I want you to know that I'm not Nathan. I don't go through girls like he does. Yeah, I want to have a good time, but I don't do that at other people's expense."
"Oh, well, aren't you the angel?" she says sarcastically.
"What the hell's your problem?" I question.
"You!" she yells making everyone stop and turn towards us. Someone has cut off the music. "You and your little buddies are dogs!"
"Hey," I tell her urgently, quietly. "Why don't we discuss this someplace else."
"Why?" she challenges. "Don't want people to know who you really are? You act like such a saint in front of all of these people, but you're just like all the other teenage boys. You don't actually care about all those girls you've "dated". They're just entertainment."
"You don't know anything about me!" I shout. I catch Mom giving me a disapproving look out of the corner of my eye, but I ignore her. I have to make this girl understand how I really am. Her opinion shouldn't bother me, but it does because all of her assumptions are based off of Nathan and what she has seen in him. "I'm nothing like him!"
She rolls her eyes. "And I should believe that because?"
I feel my face get hot and I have to grit my teeth in order to stop my shouting. "Because it's the truth," I seeth. "But you want to make assumptions? Fine, my turn. You're the shy and quiet type that's a follower and Lisa was your leader. You did everything with her because you couldn't do anything by yourself. She always had the limelight while you cowered in her shadows. The reason why all those people at school pity you is because they know you're lost without her."
As soon as I finish my rant, I instantly regret it. Everything about her is blank from her facial expression to her body language. It's like I hit a nerve that shut down her entire being. I turn my face away, expecting her to slap me, but instead she pushes past, her shoulder roughly hitting my arm.
I quickly turn around and call out her name. She stops but doesn't face me. "I'm so sorry," I tell her. "I didn't mean any of that. I shouldn't have said any of that."
She stands there for what seems like forever before she pushes through the side gate and disappears out of my sight. I want to go after her, but I feel my mom's hand on my forearm and I know I can't, even before she says, "You've done enough."

I'm lying in bed that night, staring up at the ceiling when my phone starts ringing. I glance at the Caller ID and see my friend Mason LaFree's name.
"Hello?" I answer grumpily.
"That's the first time I've seen you go off on someone like that," is his returned hello. At first I'm confused, but then realize that he was at the Ramsey's party, too, even though he lives in Blue Ridge Road, the next neighborhood over.
"I didn't even mean to," I groan. "She just really got under my skin. Everything she was saying was all Nathan."
"Well, you did go through a phase in sophomore year where you had a girlfriend, like, every month," he points out.
I grimace, remembering how horrible and stressful that school year was. Not to mention that all of those girls still want my head on a silver platter. "Yeah," I agree reluctantly. "But I'm not like that anymore. I made a promise to Dylan, remember?"
"Yeah, I remember," he agrees. "But you know everything she said she didn't mean either, right? She's just hurting right now because there's a good chance Nathan's the reason that girl killed herself."
I hadn't even considered that. I guess I was too angry to really think straight. "You're right," I reply. "Which makes me feel worse."
"Hey, don't stress too much about it. Just lay on that Adrian Charm Monday and she'll forgive you in no time."
All I do is laugh a little. I don't want to contradict him when he's trying to lift my spirits. I don't want to just sweet talk my way into a forgiven apology, one, because it'll seem as if I'm not really sorry and two, I doubt Adrian Charm works on Bianca.
I don't know how I'm going to get her to forgive me, but I know I have to come up with something by Monday morning.