Her Suicide Note

Chapter Twenty-One

Bianca
Lisa's waiting for me in my bedroom after breakfast. At first I think it's a trick of the morning light, but she doesn't go away. The corner of the bed she's sitting on is dipped under her weight. She twirls her suicide note in her fingers.
I've been thinking about her a lot since the dance last night, thinking about how she would've loved it. How she probably would've silently cheered me on once she saw me not only walk in with Adrian, but dance with and kiss him, too.
"How are you here?" I ask. I expect her to vanish into thin air once I ask this, but she doesn't. She looks so alive and completely cleaned of the bloody mess she had been when I last saw her.
"That's not important," she says dismissively, still not taking her eyes off the note.
A lump forms in my throat. That voice.
She's wearing the clothes she killed herself in: booty shorts and a baggy T-shirt her dad accidentally left behind when he moved to New York with his girlfriend.
Mrs. Harford lied and said he died to get the neighbors off her back. The "funeral" was a private affair, but because I was a close friend, I got the truth.
Mr. Harford's "death" prevented him from appearing at his daughter's funeral.
"Why are you here?" I ask.
"Do you remember this?" she questions, holding the note up to me.
It's stupid of her to ask this because she already knows the answer. But I think she's asking because I've stopped carrying it around in my pocket when I'm out of the house.
"I leave you with advice," she says. "Very valuable advice, why? To help you. To protect you. I expected you out of all people to take it in stride." She gets up, walks over to me. Only inches of space separates us and I can feel her body heat. So real.
"You know nothing about guys, Bianca. Adrian's going to break you in half." She crosses her arms, gives me a cool stare. "How's your new life?"
I suck my teeth. "What?" she demands. "You have new friends, you have Adrian, you don't need me anymore. It's like you don't even miss me."
"My life stopped for a while because of you," I say quietly because if I start yelling, it's going to draw Mom and Dad in here. "Who are you to come in here and start pointing all these fingers at me? Do you want me to be depressed my whole life?"
"You're moving on," Lisa says. "You're having fun. Without me."
"Who's fault is that?" My voice rises, tears spring to the corners of my eyes. My first time talking to her in weeks and we're having a fight. Probably our first ever argument. "You left me."
"I had to."
"For a guy?" I tilt my head to one side and squint as if it'll help me see her better. "You a special kind of stupid, aren't you?"
"Did we not see the same thing?" Lisa asks. "Nathan...and that girl."
"You're acting as if you're the only one who's been done wrong," I say. "There a millions of stories just like yours. People get cheated on all the time, but do you know what people do? They move on and before long, they forget about that person and find someone else ten times better."
"I didn't want anyone else. I wanted Nathan." I'm ready to pull my hair out. Who is this girl? She threw everything-her dreams, the people she loved-down the drain because of one failed relationship.
Was she even thinking about me when she was in that bathtub?
"Of course I was," Lisa says in a softer tone. "I was worried that you'd never forgive me. When I survived the overdosing, I even thought I should stop and call 911. But then I saw Nathan's face and what he did....so I took the knife and ended it for good. I couldn't stay here because I would've only been half the best friend I was before and you didn't need that."
"You would've made it through," I insist. "I would've helped you. All of this could have been avoided if you had just talked to me."
"Yeah? Well I didn't and now you're facing Adrian alone. Who are you gonna turn to once he breaks your heart?"
"Adrian and I aren't you and Nathan. We may not get the same outcome and I'd appreciate it if you had a little bit of faith in me."
Clearly frustrated, she brings the note to her face. "Dear Bianca-"
"Don't you dare," I all but growl, pointing a menacing finger in her face. "I swear Lisa."
"I made a big mistake," she continues to read as if I hadn't said anything. "I'm not talking about the decision to kill myself but about Nathan. When we started off, it was bliss. I had heard the rumors, but the Nathan they painted with their words wasn't the Nathan I saw before my eyes. But that's how he had pulled me in.
"I saw Nathan for who he truly was immediately after we started dating, but I couldn't find the heart to break away even as I saw our relationship eat away at me from the inside out. Why? It was more for my benefit than his. He would move on quickly considering who he is while I would've had my face in the mud forever. I loved him, or at least I thought I did.
"It seems as if us girls are getting dumber. When once we were strong, now we're letting the guys run all over us because we claim it's love, but do we really know what that word even means?
"You're probably wondering why I'm telling you all of this. It's because I love you too much to have you go down the same road. Do me a favor and ward off guys for a while? Love, Lisa."
She looks up at me expectantly as if waiting for my broken light bulb to fix itself and flash on, but I don't need it. I take the note from her and rip it into shreds. She's dead, I'm alive. If I stop moving forward, going backwards is going to be that much harder because time won't rewind with me. She doesn't have the right to give advice.
"You're making a big mistake," Lisa says.
"At least I won't kill myself over it," I snap.
She narrows her eyes at me. "What happened to Feisty Bianca? The one that had her guard up? The one that put her hands on Adrian to keep him in check when he got too comfortable?"
"She's still here," I assure her. "She's just taking a break."
"Being ignorant is being weak."
"Killing yourself over ignorant shit is being weak," I retort. I glance over her shoulder at the digital clock beside my bed. It's almost noon. Adrian will be here in a little bit. I make my way towards the door.
"You're supposed to be my best friend," Lisa tells me. "You're supposed to put me first."
Put her first? I've always done that even though she never did the same for me. It was always about Lisa and what she wanted. I hated everyone she hated, loved everyone she did. My friendship with Michael from the rest of third grade into fourth was in secret because Lisa didn't want him around anymore.
Who was there when she started her period? Who would she call at two in the morning when her cramps were horrible or she was emotional and wanted someone to sleep beside her despite having a huge test a few hours later? Who watched her fall apart in a relationship without saying anything because there was no way she would listen? Who found her in the end?
"I miss you, Lisa," I state because it's the truth. "But I won't mourn you forever." As I stare at her, my tears finally spill over. "I love you, Lisa," I whisper. "If only you knew how much."

Adrian has taken me to Summer's Treats. A date long overdue. Mason's behind the counter, pretending not to watch us.
Adrian has a troubled look on his face as he stares into his Cookie Dough Heaven. I look down at my Icing on a Cake, trying not to stare as I wonder what he's thinking.
I wrap both of my legs around one of his as an effort to bring him back. He looks up at me. "I have to tell you something," he says. "But it's going to sound crazy."
I shrug, shoving a bit of frozen frosting into my mouth. "Probably not as crazy as what I have to tell you."
"Want to say it at the same time?" he asks.
I nod in agreement. "I saw Lisa," I blurt out just as he says, "I saw Dylan."
"How?" we ask each other in unison, laughing at our accidental synch.
"Wanna tell me about it?" he questions.
"Only if you tell me your story first," I say. "You were the one that brought it up."
He starts to tell me about the dream he had last night where he was in Dylan's car. He told me how it reminded him of the night he died because they were in the car he crash in and it was raining like that day he passed on. He tells me about the conversation they had about the dead and me and Adrian's major that he's had so much trouble trying to find.
In turn I tell him about the Lisa I "illusioned" in my bedroom. I tell him about our conversation. About why she died and how she's mad that I've moved on and basically ignored the advice she gave me in the note.
After we've aired everything out, we sit in silence, turning each other's stories over in our minds.
"What does this mean?" I ask him after a while. "Our seeing them. We haven't all this time and now they're showing up?"
Adrian shrugs, seeming just as floored by this as I am. "Maybe it means things are changing," he muses. "Maybe them showing up is their way of saying goodbye before the changes show."
"Yeah," I agree. "But I'm kind of letting go of Lisa, I know that's my goodbye. What about yours?"
He scratches his jaw. "I honestly don't know," he says. "I don't think I'm supposed to say goodbye just yet."
"Hey, guys. Mind if we sit with you?"
Adrian and I look up to see Nathan and his Homecoming date Trish standing at the end of our table, ice cream cups in their hands.
"I don't know..." Adrian trails off, raising his eyebrows at me as if I hold the power on whether they should stay or not.
My immediate, instinctive answer is to say no, but I think about last night and the look Nathan and I shared when he was crowned Homecoming King.
Though I'll never forget the way he treated Lisa, I don't think I have the energy to hate him forever, so I scoot over to make room. He takes a seat beside me while Trish sits beside Adrian.
I take a deep breath before turning to Nathan. "Hi, I'm Bianca." I stick my hand out towards him.
At first he's confused, but I quickly see the lightbulb pop on and he grins, shaking my hand. "Sup, I'm Nathan."