Her Suicide Note

Chapter Eighteen

Bianca
"We can't delay this any longer, we have to go shopping for our Homecoming dresses. Our friend, Lexi, has this cousin that owns the cutest boutique with these gorgeous gowns with prices that aren't going to rip your wallet into shreds. I was thinking that you could come with us after school to look around. We only have three more days before the dance so we're going to have to hurry."
I've lost almost all of what she's said. All I comprehended was "Homecoming dresses", "Lexi", and "boutique".
I give Melanie Hoffman and one of her friends, Clara Moore, a questioning look as they plop their stuff down at my table in English.
Despite playing with them in PE, when it comes to English, we're polite but distant towards each other, not bothering to take time out in pulling each other into conversations no one wants.
"You want me to go dress shopping with you?" I ask.
Melanie and Clara give me crazy looks. "I wouldn't have said all of that if I didn't want to you come," Melanie says. "It would just makes sense since our dates hang out with each other."
"Who are you guys going with?"
"I'm going with Mason LaFree. Clara scored a date with Scott Carter."
"Roxanne's going with Alexander Night and Damon Martin asked Lexi," Clara says, referring to the other two guys that sit with Adrian and Mason.
"So." Melanie places her elbows on the table, leaning towards me. "You in?"
"I don't know," I tell them, tapping my nails on my binder. "Adrian and I got into a kinda-sorta fight yesterday and when I asked him if we were still going, he said he didn't know."
Both of their jaws drop at the same time. "Is he stupid?" Clara questions.
I straighten my spine. "You mean, you guys aren't blaming me? But you don't even know the whole story."
Melanie waves this away. "We don't need the whole story. We know enough about you to know that you don't start fights. It's obviously something he said or did."
"We'll talk to him for you," Clara assures.
"No, don't," I say quickly. "It's fine. I didn't want to go anyways."
They exchange a long look before letting the matter drop.
That's when Michael walks in, scanning the room. When we make eye contact, he strolls over.
"Who's that?" Melanie whispers. "Clara, you know him?"
"That's the New Kid," Clara answers.
"Smith," Michael begins making Melanie and Clara raise their eyebrows at me, "can we talk."
"Sure," I state, giving him a cool stare. "Talk."
He sets his jaw. "Alone." Grabbing my wrist, he hauls me out of my seat and pulls me out of the classroom.
"Get off," I sneer, yanking my arm away.
"Sorry," he says, though he doesn't sound really apologetic.
"Yeah, that sounds believable," I mumble.
"When we were in World History," he starts off, "I didn't mean to sound so insensitive. It's just that...I'm kinda mad at Lisa."
"Why?" I ask, curious.
"Because I had liked you for a while in third grade and I wanted to be with you, but I couldn't because of her. I knew you wouldn't talk to me like that with her around because she was your friend and you didn't want to hurt her," he explains. "But, damn it, Bianca, I'm tired of letting her hold us back. I want you to be my girlfriend and I know you want to be that, too."
"MacKenzie..." I trail off, shaking my head.
"Hey, you don't have to give me an answer right now," he tells me. "But promise me you'll think about it?"
"I can't," I say. "I can't promise you that. I don't feel that way about you."
He shakes his head, refusing to believe it. "Think about it," he urges before taking my hand. "Now let's get back inside."

"Whatcha reading?" Adrian catches me in the library, crouching in one of the back corners with a book in my lap. The last thing I want to do is talk to him after how he acted yesterday. It gets me mad all over again just thinking about it.
"I'm sorry about yesterday," he tells me as if reading my mind. "The way I acted....I'm sorry."
"It seems as if all you do nowadays is apologize to me," I state, getting to my feet, slipping the book back in its place. "I really didn't appreciate you getting angry with me about my college choice, something I've made a while ago. You do know that we're probably never going to see each other again after you graduate, right?"
He shakes his head. "We can make it work," he tells me. "I know we can, it'll just take some effort. Our friendship doesn't have to end because high school eventually will."
I take this into consideration. "Yeah," I agree quietly, looking down at my Converse.
"So." He gets down on both knees, takes my hand. Without the commotion of the hallway, I realize that he's only an inch taller than me when he's on the ground like this. "Will you still go to the Homecoming dance with me?"
I pretend to be bored, gazing at everything else except him. "I guess," I reply around a huge fake yawn. "I mean, you already bought the tickets and everything."
He laughs, lingers his mouth on one of my cheeks. He finally pulls away and we just look at each other for a moment.
Running both of my hands through his hair, I lock my fingers together at the back of his head.
"Adrian, can I ask you a question?" I finally break the comfortable silence.
"Sure." His voice sounds a little weird and I can see his Adam's apple bob as he nervously swallows.
"If there's someone who likes you, but you don't feel the same way and they won't accept that, what do you do?"
His face looks crestfallen as he slumps his shoulders. "No, I'm not talking about you," I say quickly because I realize that ignoring my feelings for him is only going to hurt me when I'm around him as just a friend.
I mean, here he is, a boy I've loved since the beginning of school. He's right in front of me, his feelings for me as clear as day yet I'm pushing him away because of what happened to Lisa. Who's to say Adrian and I will get the same result? He's not a jerk like Nathan and I'm not impulsive like Lisa. I'm sure things would work out if we really put our hearts into it and took things at a slower rate. But I'm not going to tell him this, not yet. The way we are now can continue, even if it's only for a little while longer.
"Who are you talking about?" Adrian prompts.
"Oh, right," I say. "I'm talking about Michael."
Adrian rolls his eyes, wrapping his arms around my waist as if he's running the risk of losing me just by talking about him.
"He still likes me and I've told him that I just don't feel the same way, but he still wants me to think about being his girlfriend," I explain. "I don't know what else I can do besides make a poster board that says, 'I don't like you' written all over it."
"Oh, that'd be awesome," Adrian says, nodding his head vigorously.
I swat at his shoulder. "You're just saying that because it'll hurt his feelings," I accuse.
"Why else would I say that?" he asks.
I lean my forehead against his, laughing. "So, what do I do?"
"I don't know what to tell you," he whispers, tucking a flyaway strand of hair behind my ear.
"Oh, come on," I groan. I clasp his face between my hands and shake his head around. "Can't you look in there for an answer?"
"Though I'm happy that you'd come to me for answers, I honestly don't know it this time," he tells me. "But I'm sure you'll figure it out. Soon, I hope."
I let out a heavy sigh. "If I knew a situation like this would happen to me, I would've converted into a nun by now."
He grins before pouting. "What about me?"
"You would've lived," I tell him dismissively before breaking away from him. "How much time before lunch ends?"
He looks down at the bulky black watch clamped around his right wrist. "Seven minutes."
I frown. "You haven't, by chance, brought anything from the lunch room, have you?"
He unzips his backpack, reaching in to grab a bag of pretzels. "This is all I have," he states apologetically.
"I'll take it," I say.