Her Suicide Note

Chapter Five

Bianca
The house is deathly still. Mom and Dad came home half an hour after I left the party and went straight to bed. There are no lights on in my room. Even the sliver of space underneath the door is pitch black. There are no sounds. The green numbers on my alarm clock read 11:15. Lisa's note has tipped over.
I want to go over and prop it up again, but I'm too numb to move. I'm not angry because Adrian had said all of those things, I'm angry because every single word is true. I've always known it, but to have someone else call you out like that does something to you. If my self-esteem isn't low enough already, it has definitely plummeted even more.
But is it really so bad that I'm shy and don't like the attention? Though I know I should've been more of a leader, letting Lisa relish in her comfort zone while I did the same in mine seemed smart.

It's hard for me to wake up the next morning. It feels as if my eyes have been glued shut and I have to open them with my fingers. I look around and see Dad fixing Lisa's note.
"Dad?" I ask, my voice slightly hoarse.
He turns to me, smiling a little. "Hey, sweetheart. I was wondering if you wanted to go to the mall with me. I have some things I want to get."
No, he doesn't. He knows that I've had a love for malls since before Lisa came into the picture. He knows I'm getting even more into a funk. If he can't fully pull me out of the hole, he'll at least try to make it so that I'm not so far in.
When I tiredly agree, it's like he can't make it out of the room faster. Like my depression is highly contagious.
I roll off the bed and practically crawl to my dresser. I peek through a couple of drawers and come out with an old pair of sweatpants and a white T-shirt covered in people's signatures from last year. I turn it around to see Lisa's name taking up a huge chunk of the back.
I allow myself to smile for the briefest second before I swiftly remove my tank and replace it with the top.

I didn't realize I had trouble seeing until two years ago. Lisa and I were playing at her house and we saw her dad's reading glasses perched on the armchair of his favorite recliner in the living room.
Lisa had tried them on for a second before she quickly removed them from her face.
"Woah," she said, blinking a few times. "My dad is blind."
She handed them over to me but I had shaken my head. I didn't want to risk breaking them because they looked so fragile. The temple and frames were gold and super thin. I had a feeling that even if I looked at it for too long, a lens would pop out.
"Oh, stop being a baby," Lisa had scolded. "You're not going to break them. You're too careful for that."
So I took them out of her hands and put them on. I had to take a step back because everything looked so clear.
I could see more details of the faces in Lisa's family portrait that was hanging on the other side of the room and the front door didn't look like a blurry white blob anymore.
"Lisa," I said, slowly removing the spectacles off my face. "I need glasses."

I push my glasses up the bridge of my nose as Dad and I walk through Crabtree Valley. I can't see anything past ten feet which makes me glad that I realized my need for glasses sooner.
I see a bunch of people from school and I scurry behind Dad. He doesn't say anything, just continues to hide me until they walk past.
"I don't want to sound mean or pushy or anything, but if you want them to stop pitying you-"
"Stop," I interrupt. "Just stop. What did you want to get from here?" I know I should feel bad for being snappy, but I don't. I don't need anyone's advice on how to get through the days. Not even Dad's.
We make it to Lower Level G where my favorite store, Barnes & Noble, is. The smell of new pages and something sweet I can't quite put my finger on hits Dad and I as we enter. I look over and see him inhaling deeply as well and I can't help but smile. For a moment, everything Adrian said last night fades away. I have my Dad's personality down to a T. He never has a problem with letting Mom lead the way, with being reserved and a little shy.
And none of that has dimmed his accomplishments in life. He's one of the most respected members of the army and provides more than well for his family. He's been married to his high school sweetheart for 22 years. Despite all of the gruesome scenes he's been a part of while deployed, none of that dimmed the humor and gentleness he possessed as he still found time to raise two kids. There's no need for me to have an allowance because anything I want, he'd buy but the last thing I want, is to take that for granted. I think that's why he's so generous with me. My older brother Trey, however, is a different story thanks to Mom.
The only thing Dad has that I don't-besides most of his features-is silent confidence which he gained overtime. It wasn't the type of confidence that Lisa or Mom has or boasts about. It's an under the skin type thing that only the most observant people, like me, will catch and once you do see it, that's all that's visible to you. You can tell he holds himself in the highest regard by the purposeful stride in his walk, the tone in his voice as he speaks nothing but intelligent words, the strong grip in his handshakes.
Dad and I depart a few feet into the store: him to the History section, me to Teenage Romance.
I run my fingers over the unread pages of hardcovers and paperbacks. So many different love stories, so many different types of male and females characters, almost all with the same ending.

The reason I read so much is because reading takes me to another place. I imagine myself as the female main character, feeling her embarrassment, learning from her mistakes, experiencing her love, relishing in all of those emotions that aren't truly mine.
Lisa hated my "addiction", her words. She said it was stealing too much of my time out in the real world.
"I'm all for reading and getting super smart and everything," she had told me the summer between fifth and sixth grade. "But not when you do it every minute of every hour of every day."
What I never told Lisa was that I'm terrified of the real world and all of the things that can and will destroy me from heartbreak to having too many obstacles in my way, keeping me from achieving my dreams and life goals.
I mean, how do you explain that to a person that doesn't mind taking on the world? That doesn't mind breathing in all the pros and cons living gives you?
What I didn't know was that Lisa wasn't as strong as I had once thought, or hoped. Everyone has a breaking point. Lisa met hers....and died for it.