Her Suicide Note

Chapter Seventeen

Adrian
I don't like Michael MacKenzie. Scratch that: I hate Michael MacKenzie.
How can he just think he can come back and pick up where he left off with Bianca? And who in the hell invited him to our lunch table?
"Play any sports?" Scott Carter, one of three guys Mason has befriended, asks. I find it sad that I'm just now getting names. The question's directed at Mackenzie, but he seems to be just as distracted as me.
I wonder if we're thinking about the same thing, or the same person: Bianca. I haven't seen her since this morning in PE.
"Hello? Earth to New Kid." Scott waves his hand in front of MacKenzie's face, bringing him back to the present.
"What was the question again?"
"Where's Bianca?" I demand, not able to take it anymore. I give him my coldest glare.
"I don't know," he mumbles. "She left World History saying she was going to the bathroom."
"Why?"
"Shit, how should I know?!" he blows up causing a few people from neighboring tables to look our way.
"Because I know you said something that upset her!" I growl.
"Hey, man," Mason tells me quietly, "why don't we all just calm down?"
"Not until he tells me what he did to Bianca," I state firmly. "You haven't even been here a whole day and you're already causing trouble for her."
"I told her the truth," MacKenzie says. "I'm sorry if what I said hurt her, and I never meant to make her run out of the classroom, but Lisa is dead and Smith can't ignore that."
"You mother-" Mason struggles to pin me in place to keep me from jumping out of my chair. "Why don't you do us all a favor and get the hell out of this school. Better yet, go back to where you came from." Shrugging Mason away, I leave the cafeteria.
I try Bianca's cell when I'm a little ways down the hall. Before it can send me to voicemail, I hang up, stuffing the phone back into my pocket. "Where the hell are you?" I whisper.
A boy in my US History class walks by and I catch his arm. "Hey, have you seen Bianca Smith?" He gives me a blank stare. "You know, short, long dark hair, huge blue eyes?"
"Doesn't smile that much?" I nod. "She's by the trophy case."
I shake my head as he walks away. Of course.
"I don't want to talk," Bianca says, sensing me what feels like a mile away.
"That's fine," I assure, coming to stand beside her as she gazes into the trophy case.
We're like this for a while before she says, "He doesn't care that she's dead. MacKenzie, I mean."
I don't respond, I'm not sure how.
"He told me that I shouldn't feel weird about us getting together now that she's gone. He just seemed so insensitive about the whole thing, you know?"
"What's the story between you three?" I question.
"Lisa had a crush on him in third grade. We were all in the same class so we saw each other every day. The only reason he stayed around us was because he had a crush on me-or has, since it doesn't seem to have faded over the years."
I nod like I'm completely cool with it on the outside, but on the inside, I'm stabbing MacKenzie in the eye with a pencil.
"Did you ever return his feelings? Did you like him back?" I ask in a neutral tone.
"No, at least I don't think so," Bianca answers. "But I think that's because of Lisa. There was no way we could've acted on our feelings because Lisa was always there, always with me, and it would feel like I betrayed her.
"But I don't think I ever liked him, liked him. I always saw him as a friend, a second brother even."
I try not to let my smugness show on the outside. But what she says next makes my heart drop down into my stomach:
"I always thought-as a hypothetical situation, of course-that if there was going to be anyone committing suicide between Lisa and me, it would be me."
I grab her by the elbows and shake her a little. "What are you talking about?"
She smirks, shaking me off. "Relax, Adrian, I'm not going anywhere. I said 'hypothetical', didn't I?"
My posture relaxes, but my face is still pinched into a frown. "It's just that...Lisa was the one that had her life together. She was the one that was moving on, growing up, telling herself that we're not kids anymore. Me? I wanted to stay a child for so long, stay under my parents protection for as long as I could because the world is scary. All those horror stories on the news aren't just smoke and mirrors.
"I always had my nose stuck in a book and that's how I wanted it to stay. It didn't matter if everything around me crumbled into dust. If me and the people that I loved were safe, I didn't care about what happened to everyone else.
"Lisa was talking about all the clubs she would join, and all the parties she was going to go to, and all the friends she'd make. I just wanted to make it through high school with as little casualties as possible. With as little interactions with others as possible."
She turns away from me, grabbing the back of her neck. "And now no one will know what Lisa would have been to the world."
I tentatively take a few steps closer to her. I know she can hear my footsteps, I know she can feel my closeness, but she doesn't move away. Folding her into my arms, I rest my chin on the top of her head.
"You know what you need?" I ask.
"What?" she whispers, sighing as she leans into me.
"Ice cream."
She laughs into her hand. "Wow, I can't remember the last time someone took me out for ice cream."
"Well, today's your lucky day. Think you can get through fourth block without me?"
She sucks her teeth, backhanding me in the chest. "Don't flatter yourself, Adrian."