The Art of Mending A Broken Heart

Too Many Words for Goodbye

       

When I pulled into the parking lot he was already there waiting beside his black pickup truck, a truck I had so many memories in. Laughing and joking around with him, listening to music and singing along to the radio. It's weird that in times like these you begin to remember everything. I parked my car and took a deep breath before I opened the door. The walk over to him was like one you saw in movies, the dreadful ending where two people decide that they aren't meant to be. Moving on, letting go, it was all part of life.

            "So this is goodbye," he said with a halfhearted smile. I didn't want to do this as much as he didn't want me too, but something in me told me it needed to be done. All we were doing was hurting each other pretending everything was okay when it wasn't.

"It's only goodbye for now," I said as I felt the first tear slip. He pulled me in a hug and kissed the top of my head.

"You know I love you, right?" I nodded as my tears began to stain the front of his shirt.

"I love you too, so much and so much more."

"Forever and always?" he asked as he pulled back to look me in the eyes.

            "Forever and always." I said with a whisper. He handed me the letter he had wrote, and I handed him the one I wrote in return. This felt like a goodbye for the books, my heart felt the pressure of what was happening and I kissed his cheek and pulled away before I decided it wasn't the best thing to do anymore. I walked back to my car telling myself not to look back, because if I looked back I would go running back into his arms and that wasn't what needed to happen. Everyone told me so, it was time to let go.  As he pulled away from the library parking lot, I finally let the tears fall down my face as a ripped open the envelope and began to read the letter:

Dear Daylen Noelle Stalling,

Goodbyes.... Easily the thing I hate the most in life. Whether it be a goodbye for just a period of time, or goodbye forever, I hate it. And my worst fear of saying goodbye to you, it's real. It hurts. It's scary. And I hate it. The last 3 years have been so amazing. Every up, every down. I've stood by your side through everything. Just as you have for me. I know we have to do this. It will be a benefit. It doesn't look like it right now, because were in the eye of a storm.

But we must hold tight. Hold tight to Jesus. Whether or not we will be together in the end, I cannot answer. I wish, with everything in me, that I could for see the future. I will tell you this, I want forever. I really do. I've always meant it when I said it. Every time I told you I loved you, it was with all of my heart. Every time I kissed you, there was so much meaning behind it. Every time I held you so close that I could feel your heartbeat, I knew that I wanted to spend my life with you. I don't want any other girl to be the love of my life. To wake up next to you each morning. To have a family with you. To grow old with you. I want it, so bad.

These past 5 months have been filled with pain and fear for me. Pain, because of the things we went through. Fear, because for a while it felt like I was watching you slowly drift further and further away from me. Yes, you've hurt me. Yes, I've hurt you. But it was never enough to drive one another away. We refused to give up, because we love each other too much. That's one of the many reasons why I want to marry you someday. Because we can get through things together. We don't abandon one another. We are best friends.

During this period of time apart, however long it may last, don't you ever think that I do not love you with everything I have, because I do. I love you more than you can ever imagine. And whenever it's hard, read every letter I wrote you. Remember every song I sang for you. Remember every song I wrote for you, about you. Remember when we laughed together, and even when we cried together because it brought us closer. Remember all of the goofing around. All the trips to Tara's. All the jamming out to Parachute. All the arguing over who loves who more. All the episodes of Castle. All the flowers I gave you. All the times that we couldn't be serious. All the fun we have together. All the love. All the happiness. All the dreaming. Remember it all, and don't forget it. Because there is more to come.

One day, two doors will open. The two doors at the back of the church will open, everyone will stand, and your dad will walk you down the aisle. You will be dressed in the most beautiful dress ever. Everyone will be emotional as it is the biggest day of your life. Ill be there. Crying like a baby. Because I'm so happy. I wish I could 100% say that I'll be the guy standing at the front waiting for your dad to let his little girl spend the rest of her life with me. But again, I don't know God's plans. But I do know what I want. On that day I don't want to stand on the right side of the stage with the groomsmen, nor do I want to sit in the audience with everyone else. I want to stand front and center. I want to grab your hands, look you in the eye and promise you, in front of everyone we know and love, that I will love you forever and always, no matter what. After that, I want to put a beautiful ring on your left and hand and then we will grow old together.

Another day, I will be sitting in the hospital, sweaty palms and heart attack like symptoms. I'll be awaiting the birth of my first child. Like I just said, I don't know the Lord's plans but I know that I want the mother of that child to be you. I want to experience parenthood with you. Wake up at 3:00 AM to a crying baby with you. Hear footsteps pounding to our room in the middle of a thunderstorm. I want life with you. Whether or not God has that in his plans, I can't say for sure. If it isn't it will hurt so much. But we have to hold tight to him. He will carry us, whether it be together or it be with other people. Jesus is everything and he will not fail to save the day.

I love you Daylen Noelle Stalling. So much more than you can ever imagine. More than words can describe. More than a song that I write, can explain. I'll do anything for you. If it means I need to let you go for a while, so be it. I don't want to, but I truly love you with all of my heart, and I trust that you will come back just as you have promised me. I hope you continue to write, play piano, and sing. You're amazing at everything you do. And I would love to say that I'm married to a best-selling author one day. :) Please, please, please chase after Jesus. And never stop. Relentlessly pursue him. Always seek his guidance and never doubt his unfailing love. Everything will pass away at one point. Jesus will not. He is all you need. Never forget that.

Just like you said in your letter, remember May 6th, 2011. You said no at first, and I sent some time waiting. But then you said yes. "This is that no, but know that there is a yes to come you just have to be patient... and wait." I love you Daylen Noelle Stalling. So much and so much more than you could ever imagine, like absolute crazy. To the moon. I promise.

Forever and Always,

Tristan Stroud

I didn't know what to think, what to do. I just let go of the one person who meant the most to me, of the person who knew me the most. Or did he? That was the question. That was why we were here, in this exact moment. Because I wasn't sure if I even knew myself. I pulled the mirror down and quickly cleaned up the tears left on my face before I pulled away. To think that I was leaving everything I knew there in that spot hurt but something about it made a new feeling come into play, a feeling of curiosity. He was my past, possibly my future, but for now I had this ability to discover who I was without him, without being Tristin Stroud's girlfriend. Only time would tell as to what would happen next.