l o s t [m.h, g.d]

7

                   

I knocked on the door of the flat, hoping one of them was in so I wouldn't have to sit outside and wait. I shifted one of my shopping bags to the other hand.

Matty opened the door.

He smiled immediately. 'Finn.'

'Hey.'

I shuffled in, desperate to put my bags down. I was beginning to feel oddly at home in their flat. I had a bed set up on the settee. It had only been two or three days, but there was already a kind of relationship dynamic. Matty would flirt unashamedly. George would silently wonder about me. I would float around during the day whilst Matty and George would be out doing things. They'd return and we'd eat and smoke and play video games. Watch arthouse 80's films. Chat shit. I hadn't bothered George since the first night.

Matty trailed after me. 'Where d'you go? I thought you'd bailed when I couldn't see your bag.'

He'd noticed I had left the flat for the first time since getting there, then.

'I went and bought some things. I felt bad about using all your stuff.'

I emptied the contents of one of the bags. Two packets of cigarettes. Soap. Washing powder. Food. Some new clothes. Second hand from the charity shop. I'd managed to find a bank that let me access my other account. There was some more money in there. I didn't know what I'd do when it ran out.

I turned and lent against the kitchen counter. I wanted to change and wash my clothes immediately but Matty was still trailing after me. I looked him over. 'Do you ever wear clothes?'

He laughed, glancing down at his naked torso. 'Wouldn't deprive you of the view, love'

I rolled my eyes, taking a cigarette from the packet and lighting it. 'Take. I bought them for you lot.'

He helped himself. 'What are you doing tonight?'

I shrugged. 'I don't have anything to do. Hang around here and annoy you and George?'

'Come out? Us and a few friends.'

'Oh... I don't know.'

'Why?'

'Dunno...' I shrugged. 'I'm not... I probably wouldn't be very good company.'

'What makes you say that?'

'Matty, I hadn't even spoken more than two words to another human in a week before the other day. I don't think I'll be any use going out.'

'You're so weird.' He said bluntly.

'I'm getting used to hearing that.'

'You're coming. No choice. Everyone's coming here first.'

I sighed. Matty leant behind me, running the tap and filling a mug with water. I leant back to accommodate him, flicking ash into the sink.

He leant beside me. I moved away slightly. His proximity unnerved me. Why was he always wearing so little clothes? I was one to talk.

He raised his eyebrows.

'Karaoke.'

'What?'

'That's what we're doing tonight.'

'Oh. Fun.'

'Yep.'

'I don't have anything to wear.' I said just for the sake of filling the tense silence. He was leaning on his hand, placed behind me on the sink.

He knocked his shoulder against mine. 'Even better.'

I laughed in spite of myself, moving away. 'My god, Matty. You really know how to make me feel uncomfortable.'

He frowned. 'Sorry.'

It wasn't necessarily a bad thing. I felt bad, for making him feel bad. 'No... it's not a bad thing. I'm just not used to waking up next to strangers and... close proximity.'

He moved away from me, sat on the sofa. 'Sorry. I'm a massive flirt, I can't help it. Girls, boys, mums, god especially the mums.'

I sat down on the arm chair, cradling my cigarette.

'You and George. You're not together are you?' I was only half joking.

Matty laughed, stretched out, sloppily. 'May as well be.'

'Where is George?'

'Haven't a clue poppet.' He had a glint in his eye. 'Do you like our George?'

I felt a jolt in my stomach. But I looked at Matty calmly. 'What do you mean by that?'

'I can see that happening. Bit jealous mind. I would be, that is.' He didn't hold anything back did he.

'Of George or of me?'

'Babe, I don't even know.'

I smiled, humouring him more than anything else. 'I don't have the capacity for that at the minute.'

'We'll see.'

Ridiculous.

I finished my cigarette and dropped it in the ashtray to my left. I picked at a piece of loose skin on my finger.

A thought struck me. 'Matty?'

'Hello.'

'Why do you never ask why I'm here.'

'George been pestering you?'

'In a way.'

'Dunno. You turn up on a beach, looking like hot shit. Car that's run out of petrol without you even realising. Pretending you don't need any help when you do. I don't think I wanna know why you're here, darling.'

I smiled. I think we were going to get on. My finger started bleeding. I stuck it in my mouth. Matty's eyes flickered, studying me.

'Tequila?' Matty was arranging shot glasses on the table.

I looked for a clock. 'Now?'

'Yes.'

'What time is it? Why do you not have any clocks?' I added as an afterthought.

'It's 2 o'clock.'

I took the shot just to be polite. It stung my empty stomach. Matty lit another cigarette and pulled a t-shirt on.

'I must be going.'

'Where do you guys even go? If you don't have jobs.'

'Things to see, people to do.' Matty winked, picking up car keys from the table. I only half dismissed what he said as a joke.

'When will you be back?'

'Soon. Don't worry.'

He couldn't say anything without sounding as if he was flirting with me. I only half hated it. That seemed to form most of my emotions around him.

I didn't want to be alone again. What was this? When I met them I'd have given anything for them to leave me alone and let me continue on my own. Now I couldn't get enough. This both reassured and terrified me.

Matty shut the door behind him. I started getting undressed immediately, out of the cruddy clothes I'd been wearing for weeks. I took a shower and cooked myself some lunch in my underwear, towel wrapped around my hair.