l o s t [m.h, g.d]

12

George stood silently, his eyes flicking between us. I turned away, lighting up a cigarette and dropping onto the sofa. Exhausted.

'You can't do this Finn.'

I closed my eyes. My head in my hands.

'You can't let us both fall in love with you and act this way.' More silence. 'We love you. It isn't fair.'

'Matty, stop it.' George again.

My eyes flew open again and I turned, directing my arrows at George this time, the fury was back. 'You. Don't you hold back. Why are you so afraid of hurting me when all I do is hurt you?'

George doesn't say anything.

I stood up and walked towards him, pointing my cigarette. 'You're in love with me? Fucking show me. What are you scared of?'

He avoided my eyes. 'Finn...'

'No, shut up. You let Matty do what he wants, he walks all fucking over you, he takes what he wants even although he knows how you feel. He knows cause he's your best fucking friend, of course he knows. You let me walk all over you. You cradle me to sleep when I feel cold on the inside. Even if I've just been sucking off your best mate. But you never touch me. Not once. Don't you have an ounce of self respect? Don't you ever want to fuck us all over?'

George stood his ground as I got closer but refused to look at me.

'Kiss me.' My hands found his neck, I pressed my body against his purposefully. Suggestively.

No movement. I was shaking with anger.

'Kiss me, George. Right now, in front of him, kiss me. He kissed me when I asked him to. When I needed him too. What are you so afraid off!' My voice had risen out of my control. I shuddered violently. I could feel my breath coming fast. I was going to have a panic attack.

George's eyes were closed, his fists clenched. He breathed out, calming himself.

'I think that's a question... you should ask yourself, Finn.'

His bedroom door shut behind him.

Matty left the house for the second time.

'Where are you going?' I forced out.

'Away from you.'

The front door clicked shut and I heard his footsteps echoing down the stairs.

I stood in the middle of the room until my breathing had slowed and there was just tears left.

'How do I be with two people at the same time.'

I said it out loud.

My voice sounded empty.

Tired.

~

I'd bitten my nails so far down one or two had started bleeding. I sucked on them, until I remembered the way Matty had tasted my blood last night. I lit yet another cigarette. It was 10 o'clock. George hadn't made a sound since the outburst. Matty hadn't come back. I wondered where he was. His words ricocheted around my head. He had been so hurtful. But it wasn't really anything compared with how I'd treated him. Treated them both. My throat was still raw. Smoking this much wasn't helping. I tried to still my leg, it was jittering out of my control. I wanted desperately to talk to George. To apologise. To convince him I wasn't what Matty had said.

I wasn't.

I wasn't.

He had been right about some things though. I was beginning to realise. The violence of his words had pierced me. Had reminded me of the violence in my body when I'd told him to kiss me. Something had broken with in me. And I had hurt him. When we were talking on his bed I'd noticed the bruises around his neck. The mark on his lip where I had bitten him.