l o s t [m.h, g.d]

8

I was wearing a dress I'd bought from the charity shop. It was slightly too short and I didn't have any tights. I tried to ignore the boys watching eyes. The rest of Matty and George's mates pitched up with tins of cheap lager carried in blue plastic bags and a smattering of narcotics. I skirted warily around the fringes of the group, unsure what to do with myself, reluctant to get too close. Adam, a tall, skinny, quiet thing, also with a preference for the periphery, seemed puzzled by me. Ross was shaved head and stubbly, he reminded me of an ex boyfriend. I tried to put that thought out of my head. A few others draped themselves across the sofas, crowded onto the balcony, least against the wall near the tv. Someone by the name of John, Jamie, Darren. Others. All boys, tall, skinny, still with a hint of teenageness around the set of their shoulders and the length of their limbs.

Bottles of tequila and wine and beer were being consumed rapidly. I was wary. I stuck to a bottle of beer, making it last as long as possible.

I sat down next to George on the settee.

'Are you trying to kill us all with that dress?' He turned to me. I could smell the alcohol and weed on him. My stomach dropped. I grinned nervously.

'Not intentionally. It's a bit short, I know. Sorry.'

'I don't think anyone's complaining. Just watch out for Matty, if you encourage him too much, he usually gets what he wants.'

'You should stop saying things like that.' I frowned, taking a sip of my drink.

'Oh I'm not being sexist.'

'It sounds like you are.'

'Whatever gender Matty happened to be, he'd be the same.'

'You said "if I encourage him too much", implying that its my fault.' I didn't really care. It was just for the sake of it.

George shook his head as if I was missing some obvious point. 'Yes, but Matty will see that as encouragement. Show him something he likes and he'll find a way to take it.'

I leant back on the sofa and drew my legs up to my chin, my eyes fixed on the top of someone's head across the room. 'And what about you George? You don't?'

George shrugged, looked a little put out. 'I wish I could.' I think he mumbled.

I ruffled my hair. It still felt damp from earlier. I felt strange, strung out, as if everything that was happening wasn't quite real.

George was still looking at me. 'You should relax a bit more. Talk to people.'

I sighed. 'How?'

'Just be normal.'

I laugh, glancing at him.

'We should cuddle again later.' He raised his eyebrow at me, taking a sip of his beer.

I frowned, shaking my head but laughing at the same time. 'George, leave it out. Leave the flirting to Matty.'

'What? Give it a rest, I'm allowed to flirt too.' He bumped his shoulder against mine. Joking. I think.

I locked myself in the bathroom for a bit. Even although I'd been careful I could feel the effects of the alcohol. I sat on the toilet with my knickers still on, bent double, running the tips of my index fingers over the edges of my toe nails on both feet. I'm not sure where my mind was.

'Finn. Can you let me in?' Matty's voice.

I looked up, unmoving. Another rapid knock. 'Finn, please?'

I got up and unlocked the door. He barrelled in, knocking me against the sink, and unzipped.

'Matty! Fuck sake.' I clapped my hands over my eyes.