l o s t [m.h, g.d]

16

It lasted about five minutes. The howling. Five solid minutes before I subsided into tears. The noises disappeared. My tears were cold for once, soothing against my red cheeks. My throat was raw now, and all I could do was sob, hoarse. I loosened my fingers from the steering wheel. They were stiff and sore and stuck to the wheel. Imprints of the way the leather was threaded together made a line across my palm. I rubbed at them, sniffing, trying to bring back the feeling.

There was a tap on the window. I jumped, hitting my knee against the wheel. It was Matty. At the window. He was frowning. Had I literally conjured one up? I thought back to earlier and trying to make them appear out of the mist.

I wiped my face hurriedly although he must have already seen. I hoped violently that he hadn't witnessed the howling.

I rolled down the window.

'Finn. What are you doing?'

'I'm um... I'm sitting in my car.'

'Have you been crying?'

'What do you think?'

I hadn't meant it to come out hostile but it had.

Matty didn't reply, just looking at me, confusion mingling with the sadness on his face.

Eventually he said blankly, 'Were you going to leave?'

I shook my head. 'Not really.' I took a deep breath and pushed my hair back from my face. 'I've been coming up here almost every day. Just sitting. I can't make myself leave.'

'Would you leave without saying goodbye?'

'If I had to.' I regretted saying it, even although I knew it was true. I backtracked. 'No. I'd say goodbye.'

Matty didn't look sure. 'Why were you crying?'

'I phoned home.'

'Oh.'

I wiped my face again. Pulling myself together. 'Move. I'm coming out.'

I grabbed my bag and opened the door, slamming it shut behind me and locking it.

'Come on. Let's go home.' I held out my hand to him and he took it, surprisingly.

We tracked up the beach.

'Why are you here?' I asked.

'I just came for a walk. Get some air. Get away from the flat. I didn't know you were here.'

We walked slowly. When we reached the edge of town Matty stopped short. I looked at him, questioningly.

'I have to go somewhere. I can't go back to the flat.'

'Please-'

'No, I can't. I'll come back later. I'll wake you up.'

'Okay.'

He stayed put, still holding onto my hand, staring at them. 'Finn?'

'Yes Matty?'

'You know this feeling? What we are feeling. The three of us.'

I nodded.

'That's love. That's love- it's just none of the good bits. It's all of the shit bits. But love is a bit shit- I think So, you know... now you can say that you- that you've felt it.'

He looked up, right into my eyes. I didn't know what to say. He didn't know that I'd already twigged that, somewhere in the midst of my howling. He didn't know what I'd relived. He didn't know that my metal box had washed up onto the beach and my heart was still inside, still raw but still beating. 'Okay.'

'I'll see you later.'

I nodded. And then I kissed him. On a whim. I pulled him close to me and pressed my lips to his. He embraced me, holding me securely against him. And it was sweet and perfect. Just like he'd said. He felt familiar. I whispered a thank you in my head.

We broke apart slightly and I leaned my forehead against his. And then I breathed out and pulled him in closer, clutching his back, burying my head in the space between his head and his shoulder. He smelt like cigarettes and fresh air. And like soap and something minty.

Eventually, when we could both bare to, he let go of me and turned away, walking back the way we had come.

I just stood. Ten minutes it was. Watching him walk away from me.