Disharmony

Temporary Bliss

                  

She couldn't remember the last time she had been this happy. It was probably when she was a child, before both her parents had the chance to let her down. So probably about ten years ago, which was just sad on so many levels.

They were in Nebraska and it had been exactly three weeks since she and Xavier had started doing...whatever it was they were doing. They hadn't defined it or set rules or expectations. She knew he wanted to, and although everything she'd told him on the plane to Chicago a couple weeks before had been true, another part of her was afraid that if they put a label on what they had, that would make it real, and therefore much more likely to be taken away.

She sighed as she pulled the fluffy white hotel robe tighter around her body and leaned up against the balcony railing. Xavier may have wanted something more official, but she wasn't sure he realized how much he'd actually done already. Because she couldn't stop smiling, something that she wasn't sure had ever happened in the entirety of her life. Even on stage, when she was supposed to be singing sad, heartfelt songs, all she wanted to do was laugh into the microphone and yell to the world how amazing life was.

Without really trying, they'd set in to a sort of routine. Despite the fact that they always had separate rooms in their hotels, more often than not, Xavier's bed would go unslept in because almost as soon as they arrived back from the venue, he would be knocking on her door. He'd whisper out a one-word greeting before he kissed her and they'd laugh and push their lips together as they stumbled towards the bedroom.

It was a novel concept for Kasia; laughing during sex. She'd had a lot of experience in the department, probably much more than Xavier, but all of her previous sexual encounters had been intense and rough and emotionally draining, not fun and exciting and filled with conversation and laughter. Although Xavier drained her emotionally in an entirely different manner, all she ever felt when she lay curled against his body when they were finished was pure joy.

Perhaps it shouldn't have surprised her that he was getting attached. She was too, if she was being honest. She had no claim over him; she'd told him a few times over the past three weeks that being in a relationship would just be disastrous for both of them, but she still felt pangs of jealousy when she saw him flirting with the hair and makeup girls and she wondered what it meant that she thought about his smile constantly when he wasn't around because it made her feel as though her body was filled with sunshine.

So maybe she should have expected it to happen. That after they were finished indulging in each other's bodies and she was drifting off to sleep, her back pressed against his chest and their fingers intertwined atop her stomach, that he would kiss her skin where her neck met her shoulder and mumble words where his lips touched.

"I'm falling in love with you."

He probably thought she didn't hear it. He probably thought she was asleep and completely unaware that he was pouring his heart out. But even though she kept her eyes clamped shut as to not alert him that she had heard what he said, his confession absolutely terrified her.

Kasia had thought she'd been in love twice in her life. Both times, she was a teenager and both times, she'd had her heart ripped out.

With Cody, she had come to realize that it was never going to be long lasting. She loved him, sure, but in the sweet, innocent, childlike way. He was the first boy she'd ever kissed, the first boy she'd ever experienced sex with and perhaps at the time, she thought that meant they were supposed to be together forever. But once her career started taking off, she realized she had much bigger dreams for herself than marrying the first boy who'd ever held her hand.