PEEL-BEHIND THEIR EYES. Book 1 (Complete)

Chapter 30. Feelings of guilt

Wisps of smoke filtered out from a slit atop the car window and disappeared into the growing overcast bluster. A thin curtain of drizzle settled on the already steamed windscreen of Havers car as he sat impatiently chain smoking and waiting.

To distracted himself from the real reason he had been sat there watching for over three hours he fiddled with the radio dial trying to find something that didn't contain annoying commercials. He groaned as yet another smug announcer told him where the nearest garden center could be found, all of which seemed to always be located downtown. His cigarette now only one puff away from death, he opened the window further and flicked the butt out, sending it on a collision course with the heavily weather-worn brick wall of a garage he had parked beside.

With the cuff of his jacket, Havers leaned over and wiped the passenger side window to restore his line of sight with Aigarths rear entrance. Havers continued his vigil knowing it was only a matter of time before Richard Barringer would return. That would be when Havers would get his chance to see what Samantha's strange brother had been up to over the last fortnight.

Another cigarette already burning away between his lips Havers pulled long and deep and with a bored sigh released the smoke over his lips, this time, the wisps became more a beacon as it escaped through the open window.

Havers let his head fall back against the headrest, closed his eyes and enjoyed the little rush of nicotine that infused his system. His eyes heavy with boredom remained closed a while too long and he neglected to notice the white van that turned into the street and slowly crept to rest not far behind, stopping just out of sight. As the engine of the van died its occupant sat still and watched the watcher and began to make plans.

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The Princess Diana hospital was a hive of activity. Cars in a continuous unending stream arrived and departed as fast as the automatic ticket barriers of the carpark would allow. Busses crawled along with the traffic to their stop and then disgorged their loads. Every now and then ambulances flew screaming, lights flashing out to disappear to wherever desperation needed them and other ambulances flew in with mere moments to rush other desperates inside for a chance of further life.

All appeared to be mayhem and chaos at any given moment, but to the smokers standing outside in pajamas with IV stands attached via thin lengths of tubing and slippered wheelchaired watchers who sat outside, all appeared to be a strange dance, a slow waltz.

The sound of fast approaching sirens echoed from building to building, like a banshee from hell a yellow and green ambulance with blazing blue and white flashing lights raced through the parting traffic and throwing on its anchors came to screeching halt outside the A&E entrance.

Taking one last drag on his cigarette between gritted teeth, Peel ignored the smokers bin provided by the hospital and dropping the smoldering butt to the floor he ground it under his heel far harder than was necessary. As the now silenced ambulance passed him by heading to the A&E swing door entrance Peel turned and headed back towards the main entrance.

Now out of cigarettes, Peel stalked the miles of corridors that wound like veins throughout the hospital and tried to clear his head.

Irritated by the length of time it was taking the doctors and surgeons to bring Rebecca back from death's door Peel dodged the sick and infirm crowding the hospital's hallways and headed back up the stairs to where the others patiently waited.

Breathless from his climb Peel closed the door of the private waiting room behind him. Muck looked up from his chair noted Peels ruffled state and to break the silence, said,

"You should give up smoking boss, it's not doing you any good!"

Not in the mood for personal lifestyle advice, Peel snapped a little harsher than he meant to,

"I'll give up smoking after you give up being a smart arse, OK" and threw himself into a padded armchair.

Mason and Jameson sat silently, Mason with a faraway glint in his eyes as he stared out if the rooms only window into the distance and Jameson busied himself swiping and tapping at his phone. Muck fell silent also and allowed Peel time to work out all that had happened so far today. He knew that Peel when ready would want them all to work through everything they had gathered and come up with and how they would move forward from here. Patience was needed but they had little time to indulge themselves, they all knew that there was still one more girl out there somewhere that they could save.

The room was somber with quiet contemplation and in some part also with guilt, guilt at not stopping the murderer sooner and for allowing terrible things to happen to Rebecca. They knew it wasn't their fault, that honor lay at the feet of the Gouger, but they felt it all the same. The three older detectives knew from experience that they had to take that guilty feeling and turn it around, to forge it into steel and thrust forward with it. But Peel noticed that Jameson had buried his face into whatever he was doing on his phone and hadn't said or acknowledged anyone since they had arrived an hour earlier.

Peel noticed that the young constables bottom lip quivered ever so slightly and a tear threatening to fall. Standing up and walking to stand by the window Peel decided it was time for Jameson to experience Shock and Awe, to shake him out of self-pity. With a sudden snap, Peel shouted, "JAMESON!"

Startled, the constable jumped to his feet "Yes sir"

Peel gave no time for Jameson to settle.

"I guess you think it's your fault, that you somehow you failed, maybe you could have driven faster, run faster, even somehow saved her from mutilation, yes!"

Jameson, shocked began to say "I, I guess..."

Peel held up a hand "No, you're not even close to being at fault. No matter what you did you had no power to change anything. You need to learn how to deal with those feelings because if you don't they will become destructive. Find a way to use them in a positive way, as armor to protect yourself from the shit, this job throws at you. Now sit down"

As told, the constable sat without saying a word. Peel stood beside him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"You saved that young girl's life today. Your idea that the Barringer murderer had, in fact, left Julia and her father alive on purpose. And that there was a possibility that the copycat hadn't meant to kill Tina Phillips. Coupled with Mason with the old Barringer address and Muck deciding unusually to check out a routine patrol call. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you realized as we raced to Lander street that there may well be a chance of saving someone. I watched as you flew past me like a Usain Bolt of lightning. All those small intuitions are what led you to ignore a direct order to remain outside away from the collapsing building. If you hadn't done that then I wouldn't have been able to save her by myself. And I'll tell you this if I had been on my own in there as the house fell around my head I wouldn't have left her to die alone. You saved my life as much as hers"

Peel patted Jameson's shoulder once and finally said "Now bugger off home, go watch a movie or play video games or whatever it is you kids do to blow off steam, just make sure you leave the drink alone, believe me, it'll do more harm to the ones you love than solve your problems"

Jameson did as he was told, getting up he nodded at them and headed for the door.

"Oh, and one last thing, lad," Peel said "Tomorrow, ditch the uniform, I want to see you in a suit" Peel winked and watched as the now grinning constable left.

Mason couldn't help but smile as Peel stalked back and forth.

"A very nice pep talk there, old man"

(Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it. All comments are truly welcome and are very helpful. If you could walk your finger over to the star and vote, that would be marvelous. Thank you)