Random Things

Literally My Life

I lay in bed at 1:05 a.m. on a Friday during the summer. I keep telling myself I'm going to work out and be healthy. I keep telling myself that I will be who I want to be. But I cannot exactly be who I want to when you aren't mine. You are what makes part of me, but you are not making me whole right now. Maybe you never will. I get to sit here wondering if you ever will because I'm too much of a coward to just say anything. I make up all these different scenarios in my head of how I tell you I like you. But in my head they all end the same way, with you just walking away without a word. It pains me that I'm this pathetic. I had someone who loved me unconditionally, and I managed to make him hate me more than I hate myself. He is now suffering because I'm the idiot that decided I wanted to chase after you. Everything was so perfect until you walked in my life and changed how I saw things. I could not feel that my 'I love you's meant anything anymore. I would tell him I loved him, and he would question how I said it. But he would still say he loved me back.
So now I lie in my bed, listening to love songs. My mind wonders around you and comes up with more scenarios for me to never fulfill. It's always me running up to you and either confessing my love or just straight up kissing you, but neither things will I ever do. I will never be confident enough to just tell you how I feel. So I lie here in bed listening to these love songs thinking of you, being near to tears because I can feel my heart breaking more and more. I lie in bed and ask myself when. When am I going to tell you? Will it be this year? Will it be before we graduate? Will it be before we start college?
I finish my sadness off by telling myself that my dreamland will help me. That it will somehow give me a sign that I should tell you. But even if it does, I still will probably not tell you. I will just repeat this night over and over until you finally disappear from my mind, but I can tell you for sure my mind will not be able to forget you.

Update: Finally told him. He rejected me, and I'm just fine. Shows how much this part of my life really mattered, and I'm starting to talk to my ex again. I'm happier than I've ever been. So life gets better just remember that.