whole night josh had me in his arms and it honestly feels so better to sleep knowing someone is holding you than sleeping alone and trying to hug your blanket that doesn't really have any form you can actually hug. no i'm not one of those who can't be without someone to hug it's just i feel safer this way, josh has big arms and they are strong too.
we woke up around 9 and mom was up making breakfast u could smell it everywhere in house and others were slowly waking up too so josh dressed up and went to window.
"be careful jishwa" i touched his face and smiled to him.
"hey don't worry i'm not clumsy like you" he winked and chuckled.
"hey!i'm not clumsy" then i thought to myself all the times i actually am clumsy. "okay i am but still be careful" i leaned in as he slowly got on the outside of window holding onto it.
"i will" he kissed me gently and i smiled before kissing back. "i'll see u later okay?"
i nodded and kissed him again. "i'll be waiting"
he started to slowly let himself down. "oh josh!"
"yes?!" he looked up.
"thank you" I think I blushed at this point. "for last night" I smiled to myself. "it was beautiful"
"thank YOU ty" pointing out the "you" he smiled at me. "oh and write about me in that notebook of yours will you?"
"you don't even know what I'm writing in there" I chuckled.
"well it seems important to you and I hope I'm important to you" he went a little more down.
"you are!" I yelled so he can hear but not too loud.
he jumped on the ground and blew me a kiss so I blew him one too.
"tyler?" I turned around quickly and my room was kinda in mess.it had my clothes on the floor and empty bags of food josh brought last night.
"ehh..mom!?"
"yes it's me baby can I come in!?"
"i..um.." I started putting it all away somehow.
"actually no I'm not quiet dressed!"
"oh okay I was just thinking if you wanted to maybe have breakfast with us?"
"I'm not really hungry mom" I came closer to door.
"you're not eating again tyler"
"no it's not true I'm just not hungry I promise I'll eat"
that made her go away I don't think she believed me but at least she isn't on my door now.i cleaned up as much as I could and pushed empty food bags under bed,I'll get that later.
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i played this song I made melody for fully since I never actually finish songs and there are only 3 of them that are finished I played this one I call "addict with a pen". josh was beside me and I felt kind of nervous I never really play piano for anyone but myself.
"tyler that sounds so.." he sat beside me and touched my hands that were on keys of piano.
"so?" I looked at him.
"different" he touched keys and looked at me. "the way you play it gives me some feelings"
i smiled a little.i didn't know my playing does that.he closed his eyes and i thought that's a clue for me to continue playing so that's what I did.he looked so peaceful and I got the feeling I took him to a good place by playing my instrument.
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he hits his drums like no one else I've ever heard before. It's not like I know a lot of drummers but I'm not that off from world to not know. but josh, there is something in the way he kicks he makes my blood rush faster and my brain sends signals to my hands to fill the void with my piano so then I play my little instrument with his drums.
we put his drums in my basement because it's big and it doesn't let noises out so no one really knows what's happening down here.my parents still don't know about josh so we had to do it while they weren't here, siblings aren't home much anyway so that wasn't much of a problem.
I came behind him while he was sitting at his drum set and I put my hands in his beautiful pink hair that's pretty soft and played with it.
"hey you" he leaned his hand back and looked up at me.
"hey jish" I leaned down and kissed him. "I wanted to ask u something" i sat in his lap.
"speak up ty" he put arm around my waist.
"how did you learn to play drums?how did you even get into music?" i already know the reason why I just wanna know how.he is so special to me and I wanna know as much as I can.
"well" he smiled. "I would go to near record store and find the most tattooed guy that there was and I had him recommend me music" I chuckled at that. "then I went to other stores of instruments and played drums until they said I needed to go and kicked me out" I smiled to the ground and looked at him.
"that's actually sick!" I ruined his hair a little with my hand.
"so sick!" he yelled back at me.
it's like these days I can't recognize myself,I'm smiling and I'm playing piano for him, I'm also thinking of showing him what's in my notebook, all my songs that kinda aren't just songs,that's me. the me he doesn't really know (yet) because everything looks so different with him than when I'm alone. I know I won't be able to hide things from him for too long about my mental condition.
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we were in forest again.this place like I said became our home we always come here when we r feeling scared.it's been a while since me and josh are how kids say a"thing".
we made a deal to build a tree house this weekend,well at least start it and I can't wait actually till we start.i feel like we r gonna have our place where it feels like home.
we were walking down little paths between trees.
"hey catch me!" I tapped his arm and ran from him deeper into forest.
"tyler stop!!" it's just a game he will catch me. I looked around and took my notebook out of jacket pocket (it's pretty big) along with pen.
I know where u stand,
silent in the trees
I looked around. I know you're here,u gotta be here.
And that's where I am,
silent in the trees.
Why won't u speak?
Where I happen to be
silent in the trees standing cowardly.
I felt a breath on the back of my head and I jumped in fear.
"jishwa!!" I hit his arm playfully.
"sorry I had to don't be mad" he pulled me in by waist and I rested head on his shoulders.
suddenly everything is blurry with a hint of normal figure holding me and trees around me.I felt stab into my left arm. my hands and knees got weaker.
I was about to fall but he got me,I was shaking. It's just I never saw things so blurry it felt sorta like when you're trying to open your eyes so everything is kinda blurry but also when u open them it stops. The feeling stopped few minutes after I felt the stab in arm,it always feels the same: like needles.
"ouch josh" I let out a weak whimper in his neck.
he looked down at me. "I got you little clumsy ty guy"
it made me smile a bit.
I can't wait till we build a tree house.
I want to know u
I want to see
I want to say "hello"
