Inspirational Stories

Childless Woman

As I sit down to write my thoughts and reflections, I pause to think, where should this story begin and how should it be told. It is an accumulation of nine years of emotions and confusion, actions and experiences, reflection and clarity, and acceptance with perspective. It's a simple story of this chapter of my life as a married woman expecting that the next chapter would be as a mother with children. I waited month after month and year after year for this chapter to arrive. In essence, my story affirms the idea that we may plan, but God is the best of planners. It is a story that is still being lived out and only God knows what the future holds.

Why Now?

So why am I writing this piece? To put words to my experiences as a wife without kids. And also to offer a voice to many others who are living a life without kids– kids that they very much desire to have. To offer words of advice to family, friends, and random people who encounter childless women. And, finally, to give perspective to women who share my experience in the hopes that my words offer solace and comfort knowing that they are not alone.

The statistics show that the percentage of married women ages 15-44 who are infertile is 6 percent. Some even say that 1 in 8 couples or 12 percent of married women have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy. Since the occurrence for infertility are more common than one would think, you may find yourself in a position where someone comes to you distraught and feeling a sense of helplessness. They may be experiencing insensitive comments and questions from family, friends, and random people they meet. It can take quite an emotional toll on a person who is already feeling insecure about being in a state that is not in their control.

Family, Friends, and the Random People Along the Way

So what do all of the above have in common? They are all curious about the question of children. Understandably, it's one of the most frequently asked questions of married women: Do you have kids? How many kids do you have? And in turn, also the question: Oh, so, how long have you been married? What are you waiting for? Why don't you have kids? However worded, one or more of these questions raise a slew of emotions for someone like me — a woman dealing with infertility. Who knew a simple answer of 'no' would bring with it such a wave of insecurities and single-handedly ruin my day. In the early years, these questions were like darts to the heart and would dampen dinner parties or events and even led to avoidance of social gatherings altogether. As someone who wishes they could say 'yes' to people's questions about having kids but cannot, it is a true test of patience and perspective.

If I can offer one piece of advice to family, friends, and the random people, it would be to have some sensitivity to those married women who do not have kids. How to do this isn't always clear because every situation is different. But just be cognizant that a woman you are engaging with may be struggling with infertility and may be in an extremely vulnerable state. Feelings of helplessness can be overwhelming. Therefore, it is important to be compassionate and considerate when asking questions about having kids. And, to think twice before asking certain follow-up questions or statements that may make a person feel even worse, such as "Oh, what are you waiting for?" or "You're so lucky you don't have kids" or "Enjoy life while you can" or "You're so young, you have time." And, I give this advice fully understanding that most comments are made without any bad intent, and can just be a side-remark in a conversation. But what may sound like a simple benign question or comment is anything but that to someone struggling with infertility. It's tough to know what to say, but one thing I love to hear and is comforting is when people make a dua (supplication), even as simple as Insha'Allah (God-willing), or give me the space to talk about my feelings if I so choose.

Part of the challenge of being in social gatherings with other women is that the topic so often is about kids and child rearing. I realize that it's a tough position for friends who may not know how to approach or manage the topic of kids with someone who does not have kids. It's a tough situation to be in all around. It's a learning curve for all of us. I learned over time not to feel so alienated by these conversations, and that just listening to another's experiences is good and wholesome. And to those mothers who are interacting with women without kids, I would advise to try to keep conversations tempered with other interesting topics as well, so that everyone can contribute in some way.