Head Above Water

24. The Fall

Okay, I was officially freaking out. Today was the second to last day before the Winter Break. What was taking place before the Break? Auditions. In order to make selections and give us notice before we left for the holidays, the auditions had been scheduled for today rather than tomorrow.

Since Thanksgiving I’d worked my tail off trying to balance my time between my practices, actual classwork and theater. When we’d gotten back to school on December 2nd, Mr. Lawler had announced that they’d chosen The King and I as the musical and I really wanted to be involved. In fact, I wanted the lead role, which was funny because I’d never been big on acting. Acting through music, though, apparently made all the difference, because I was dying for the part. The King and I happened to be another one of my favorite musicals, and this time I wasn’t going to let Jennifer take center stage.

At least, that’s what I’d told myself when they announced the chosen production. Now, however, I was quaking in my boots. Was a paltry month of theater classes enough training to surpass Miss Goodie Two Shoes? She’d taken the class since Freshman year.

“You look a little sick, Gem,” Malcolm commented at my side. We were currently sitting in the auditorium watching our classmates try out for parts, going through monologues and selections from the play one by one.

I was too nervous to spare a glance at Mal to see if he was joking or being serious. “I’m fine,” I whispered. My leg began to bounce up and down of its own accord—an attempt to shed the restless energy.

He reached over to grasp my hand and I glanced over at him in surprise. Though his touch sent my heart racing, it calmed my anxiousness instantly. He gave me a gentle squeeze and a reassuring smile. “You’ll be fine,” he said confidently. “You were made for the part.”

I squeezed his hand back, appreciating his support. My mind briefly flashed to the memory of Rick kissing me a few weeks before and my anxiousness returned with a little added kick—guilt. Either Mal didn’t know about the kiss, or he’d been completely serious about exploring my relationship with Rick, because he hadn’t mentioned it and he was acting the same as always.

Despite Malcolm’s advice, I hadn’t exactly planned on letting my connection with Rick deepen further than it had been. I didn’t like the idea of leading either one of them on, which would inevitably end up hurting one of them—and probably myself as well—down the road. Apparently all bets were off now though. We’d been dealt our hand of cards. Malcolm had laid his out for all to see, Rick had just played his hand, and the final outcome of the game was now dependent on me.

Mr. Lawler called my name, bringing me back to the here and now. It was so easy to escape into my mind and become completely consumed with my own thoughts, forgetting about everything in the present.

Here we go. I climbed the black painted stairs and took my place center stage, glancing over my classmates below. My stomach fluttered nervously, but I took comfort in knowing that this class was like family in a way—accepting of you for exactly who you are, without judgment or prejudice. Even those of us from choir had been welcomed with open arms over the past month.

Knowing that they all had my back—except for, I’m sure, Jennifer—I took a lungful of air and launched into my monologue. I’d chosen one from Saint Joan by George Bernard Shaw. Joan of Arc was always an admirable figure to me, so when Malcolm had mentioned it a few weeks ago, I quickly agreed. He’d suggested a passage where she confronts the men who are condemning her with an impassioned speech about the cruelty of being locked away from the world and everything she loves in it. Mal said it reminded him of me—in what way exactly, I wasn’t sure, but it was a nice compliment nonetheless.