Head Above Water

31. A Waltz

“Gemma, look, look!” Jillian skipped down the hallway toward me as I unceremoniously shoved textbooks into my locker. Her face was slightly flushed and she looked to be bursting with giddiness. “Connor sent me a Valentine’s gram!” she shrieked girlishly, waving a red and pink card in front of me.

I tried to keep the scowl off my face, but it was supremely difficult.

“I thought he wasn’t going to send me one, but then they delivered it during 6th period,” she gushed. “And look, it plays a song!” She went to open the card and I quickly slapped it closed between my palms.

“If I have to listen to that cheesy Lion King song one more time, I’m gonna scream,” I deadpanned. Seriously, who picked such a corny song to be on all the school Valentines? Thanks to the nameless musical non-genius, I’d been hearing snippets of the sappy song all day.

“Hey, don’t be hating just ‘cause you didn’t get one,” she said flippantly. “Besides, if Mark were a student here, he would’ve sent you one. That’s what you get for dating someone older than you.”

I grumbled sourly in response and turned to finish loading my locker.

“You always were grumpy when you felt left out,” Jill commented lightly.

I sighed. “It’s not just that. I’ve had a really crappy week, Jill.”

Her expression sobered up. “Not feeling well?” she asked in a small voice.

“That’s part of it, yeah.” I couldn’t really tell her the other part was that I was missing Rick and Mal big time. As promised, Mal had called to give me updates every day. Rick was doing well, but they still weren’t sure when he’d be back in school. No Rick also meant no Mal at school.

I hadn’t realized just how much I’d come to depend on them—not just for support, but for their friendship too. Jill and Conner were in a happy, lovey-dovey place that I didn’t want to intrude on and I just didn’t feel comfortable around my theater friends anymore. I still hadn’t told anyone outside my immediate circle about my condition, which meant I had to wear a mask when I was around other people—pretend everything was hunky dory—when really, all I wanted to do was mope or cry or scream.

So without my friends, I’d wandered the halls over the past week like a ghost, floating from class to class without much enthusiasm or purpose.  I’d begun to do the bare minimum as far as classwork—just enough so that the teachers wouldn’t bother me. There just didn’t seem to be a point to studying anymore.

Now, depressed and lonesome, Valentine’s Day had arrived and the school was abuzz with teenage romance. I ran into couples in cute puppy love wherever I went and it was just making my attitude worse because not only did it remind me of my loneliness, it made me angry at what I couldn’t have. Seeing all these couples flirting and kissing felt as if I was Tantalus, starved and thirsty, standing in a pool of water with branches of fruit dangling before me, yet eternally unable to reach them.

I knew I’d willingly chosen to follow my predestined path, but that didn’t make it any easier to stomach the consequences.

“Hey, why don’t we hang out? Watch some Love Actually and eat tons of chocolate?” Jill suggested.

I smiled fondly at her. “I’m not keeping you from your plans with Connor tonight.”

“He’ll be here next year,” she shrugged. The subtext that I wouldn’t was left unsaid but it hung heavy in the air.

“I’ll be okay. Thank you though.” She shot me a skeptical look. “Seriously, I’ll be fine. I should get some sleep anyway,” I argued. It wasn’t entirely a lie. I should get more sleep since I seemed to be tired all the time, but in all likeliness I wouldn’t. It felt like I was wasting time whenever I slept.