Head Above Water

27. Well Loved

“Are you freaking kidding me? What the hell, Gemma! No treatment?” Jillian yelled at me. “What are you thinking?”

We were currently at my house, where I’d invited Jill and Connor over so I could break the news. I was seated on one of the couches leaning against the arm. Connor sat in the other one, but he was perched at the very edge of the cushion with his elbows on his knees, his fingers interlaced and fisted in front of his mouth. He looked calm, but I could tell his mind was racing. Jillian however, was the exact opposite. From the moment I’d told her I had cancer she’d been pacing the room nonstop, alternating between yelling and crying.

I winced at the shrill volume of her voice. Headaches were quickly becoming a daily fixture now. It had only been one week since my diagnosis, but with how little time I had left, they told me I could expect my health to deteriorate very quickly. Symptoms would be increasing rapidly soon.

“Keep your voice down, Jill,” Connor mumbled quietly, noticing my discomfort.

I closed my eyes and rested my head against the arm of the couch, knowing that would only set her off more. My temples began to throb a little, but it was bearable.

“How am I supposed to do that? I’m sorry I can’t be all calm and cool like you,” she spat sarcastically. “She’s my sister! How else am I supposed to react?”

“Jill, honey, he’s not asking you not to be upset,” I heard my mom say soothingly as she came into the room. “He’s just asking you to lower your voice. You’re hurting Gemma.”

Jill was quiet after that and I opened my eyes to see her looking repentant.

“You want some pain meds, honey?” my mom asked.

“Thanks. That would be good.”

“Sorry,” Jillian said guiltily.

“’S’okay, Jilly Bean,” I gave her a little smile. “I’d be the same way if our roles were reversed.”

My mom walked over to hand me a glass of water and a couple pills.

“Thanks,” I mumbled.

“Let me know if you need anything.” She kissed my forehead and left the room again.

Jill finally sat back down on the couch, though she couldn’t seem to stop her hands from fidgeting. “Why won’t you get treatment Gemma?” she said quietly, her eyes pleading with me.

“I don’t want to spend whatever time I have left exhausted and in pain,” I explained.

“You already are in pain,” she pointed out.

“It’s not the same though. This is manageable, at least for now, and I can still go to school, see you guys—live normally. If I did chemo and radiation the side effects would keep me home or maybe even in hospice care until the end.”

“But it would delay the end. Give you more time.”

“There’s no guarantee of that, Jill. The tumor is growing so fast—none of the doctors have been very optimistic about treatment helping much.”

“Is there nothing else they can do?” she begged.

My gaze flickered to Connor, who looked like he was about to speak. I cut him off with a tiny shake of my head. I didn’t know what he was going to say—especially in front of Jillian—but I knew he was thinking of the change.

He scowled at my response and intertwined his fingers in front of his lips again.

“No, there isn’t,” I answered, turning back to Jill.