That Summer || Nate Ruess

i would kill for you (if you wanted me to)

a/n

heeeey guys :)

how are you? 

enjoy this :)

Rory's POV

"Wait, so," I began, leaning over the table. "You're saying that-"

"Yeah."

"Will and Rachel really-"

"Yes!"

My eyebrows almost disappeared into my hair. "Wow, well, I wasn't expecting that."

Nate nodded. "Yeah, me neither."

We looked at each other over the table, eyes locking before I awkwardly looked away.

"Did you finish?" he asked, nodding at my plate.

"What? Oh, yeah."

 He waved the waiter over and I watched him for a while as he signed the check and smiled.

God I loved his smile.

He helped me up from my chair and we headed outside, New York still bustling and loud as it ever was.

"So," Nate began awkwardly. "Should we head back?"

"Sure," I agreed. "Yeah."

"Subway?"

"Nah, let's walk. It's not that far from here anyways."

He took my hand and we walked along the sidewalk. I tried not to squeal at the fact he was holding my hand.

We were silent, but it was comfortable, not awkward or tense.

"So, you and Nattie, huh?"

I stared at him. "What?"

"Aren't you guys a, like, thing?"

"Were you and Ellie a thing?" I asked dryly, swinging our hands.

He shook his head. "I hope not."

"Well, neither were me and Nattie."

"But I walked in on you guys kissing..."

"It was... a kind of..."

Something to make sure I could still feel? That maybe I could feel something besides hurt and love and exhaustion? Something to see if someone could still touch me, with all the scars I carry? Something to make sure I was still alive?

I didn't voice any of that.

Nate shrugged and we arrived at the apartment.

"Hey, Rory."

"Yeah?"

He scratched his neck. "How do you get someone who hates you to like them?"

"Sexual frustration," I replied immediately. "Drive them crazy. At least, I think so."

He nodded. "Thanks."

"Who do you..."

He shook his head. "Just someone."

I ignored the stab of hurt and nodded. "Okay. Um, I think I'm going to go to bed."

He looked the slightest bit hurt, but I ignored him. He may know about my depression, but he doesn't know about all the hours spent in the bathroom and all the sleepless nights. He doesn't know how hard it is to sometimes get out of bed in the morning. 

I don't know what kind of depression Nate had (or has. The thought of him still having it makes a weird feeling light up, something like 'please not him, anyone but him, not him'). I didn't know if it was the kind where you just felt the kind of horrible, horrible suffocating sadness, the kind of sadness that physically hurt. The kind of sadness that never really went away. 

I have a mixture of both kinds. 

The kind where I sometimes won't get out of bed for three days, because I'm not certain if my feet are strong enough to not shatter with impact to the ground. The kind where summoning the will power to go upstairs and load the dishwasher is the most impressive task I've done that week. The kind where I would lye on my floors for hours because I could not convince my body it was capadle of movement. The kind where I couldn't write for weeks, because all the words I could see are trapped and drowning and I swear to god I'm trying. The kind where every single bone in my body ached with sadness and something else, something I couldn't explain, but I have to keep going through the motions, because you can't be sick from school for depression. The kind where you ignored every phone call for a month, because yes, they have the right number, but I wasn't the person they were looking for, not anymore. 

a/n

eh

hopefully another chapter will be up tonight yay ^-^

did you guys have an awesome Christmas like you deserved? :) 

xx