Friends Forever, huh?

Chapter 31 | the blame game?

I have to lie. I have to make up a reason. Something that isn't him.

But my ability to lie fails when his eyes lock on mine, coaxing the truth out of me.

My voice trembles, "you. You're the reason."

Immediately, Cole's eyes widen. His hand drops from my cheek, devastation prevalent in his eyes. "No," he whispers, as if he's trying to nullify the truth of my statement, "Please tell me you're lying Ashley. Please?"

I look away. In that one movement, he gets his answer. Cole's hands twitch toward mine as if he wants to grab my hands. But he doesn't. Instead he takes a step back, his lip quivering. "This is my fault."

I step toward him, only to have him back away again. "I'm ruining your life. I'm the reason they're hurting you." His eyes are wide, panicked. Guilt covers his face. He stumbles backward.

"It's because of me." Cole whispers again, running a hand through his hair, "it's because of me. It's always because of me."

"I'm sorry..." He squeezes his eyes shut, "Why did I ever think I should come back here? All I'm going to do is ruin everything." He laughs, but there's no humor in it, "Actually, I already did that."

I reach forward, grabbing his hands before he can back away again, "You didn't ruin everything. We can work through this...together." Yes, I fully realize I am nullifying everything I said earlier. I can't watch Cole in pain. To watch him in pain is to feel as if I'm in pain myself.

"You asked me to leave," he says quietly, pulling his hands away from mine, "and that's exactly what I'm going to do."

I asked him to leave. To walk away. To leave me to deal with this on my own. What was I thinking? I never should have uttered those words.

"I didn't mean them. I was just scared.."

"You wouldn't have a reason to be scared if it weren't for me," he hisses, compassion and disgust fighting for control in his eyes. He's acting as if this is all his fault. I knew he would, but seeing his self-disgust doesn't hurt any less with foreknowledge.

"They would still bully me," I say quietly, inwardly cursing myself for the way I worded my answer to his 'why' question. "This isn't all your fault, Cole. I'm the victim. I always have been."

"You don't understand!" Cole's voice cracks as he fights for composure, "I called you names when I first got there. I made it seem like it was okay. She probably wouldn't treat you she does if it weren't for me!"

His words are infused with so much self loathing that it makes me feel sick.

"You don't honestly believe that, do you? She would have bullied me anyway. You're just one of her many excuses."

My words are partially true. However, given our past and the reason our friendship was destroyed then...Cole's the most potent reason to bully me. Cole preferring me to her only reminds her of that jerk Addison who "chose me" over her. If you ask me, he was doing nothing more than looking for an innocent girl to use to spread nasty rumors. Why she liked him, I'm not quite sure.

But no. I'm not a cynic. I'm not the type of girl that holds grudges against guys. Never mind the fact that he subtly screwed me over and ruined my relationship with Shelby. Then that fact slightly destroyed my high school experience because let me tell you: that girl can hold a grudge. But this is all besides the point.

"I made it worse," Cole insists, refusing to make eye contact with me, "I'm the reason you have all those bruises. I'm the reason you look exhausted, like you don't want to get up in the morning."

His eyes flicker up to mine suddenly, "I'm the reason those beautiful blue eyes of yours don't shine anymore. I was careless. I called you names because I thought ignoring you would keep me from remembering what we used to be."

Cole shakes his head, "Don't try to convince me that I didn't begin this. I may not be bullying you, but I'm the instigator. That's just as despicable."

Then he walks away from me, sprinting across the sidewalk. Unfortunately, my mind is still reeling from his words and he's surprisingly fit. The combination of these two things leaves me out of breath as I decide to follow him.

"Wait!" I cry running after him, "Cole, wait!"

He stops but doesn't turn around. Still, it's enough for me to catch up to him and walk around so that we're face to face. His eyes are trained on the ground, so I put a hand under his chin, lifting his head up so I can see his eyes. Guilt. I see a million shades of guilt in his eyes and they almost make me lose my nerve. I have to say it. I have to tell him.

"I lo--"

"No," Cole shakes his head, his expression fierce, "don't say it. Don't."

Those are the last words I get from them as he turns away from me and sprints back to the school parking lot to get his car. I stare after him, too stunned to react quickly. Suddenly, I become aware of the fact that my hand is wet. He was crying. I sent him home crying.

Fingers trembling, I dial his mother's phone number. Cole won't answer my messages, I know that full well. But his mother needs to know what's going on: all of it.

"Ashley?" Amanda picks up the phone, sounding surprised to hear from me.

"Hi. There's something I need to tell you."

***

Hi. I am in more pain now. SELF INFLICTED PAIN. IM TOO INVESTED IN THESE CHARACTERS.

I am almost at 700 reads...which is insane! I just reached 600 this morning...so basically what is life?? writing. Writing is life. Thank you guys so much for reading this. I'm so passionate about it and I love seeing the amount of reads creep up.

Don't be a stranger, let me know what you think!

-J