Friends Forever, huh?

Chapter 32 | lying on the cold, hard ground

There's a long silence on the other side of the phone after I tell Amanda what's going on with Cole. It's a lot to take in: the extensive guilt, avoidance, and penchant for self destruction. I nearly feel guilty about everything I've told her...but she needed to know. With Cole blaming himself for more than just his parents divorce...

There's no telling what he'll do to himself. Idiot! I'm an idiot! Why couldn't I come up with a convincing lie? Now if he goes home and does something rash and destructive, it was my words that prompted it.

"He's been cutting himself?" Amanda finally speaks, her voice breaking, "I had no idea..."

"I'm sorry." I reply, unsure of what else to say. I feel completely helpless in this situation. Everything has gone so rapidly...I have no clue what my next move should be. Should I go to his uncle's house? Would my presence just make everything worse?

Her sobs come clearly from the other side, wrenching my heart, "I have to go. I'm buying a ticket and flying there immediately. I can't let my son keep avoiding me."

I nod, agreeing with her decision. Cole may be angry at me for calling his mother and revealing his secrets but I don't care. I would rather have him angry than hurt. "I'm sorry you had to find out like this," I say quietly, "But I thought you needed to know."

A loud sniff and an affirmative yes, "He should have told me, but he's incredibly stubborn. He won't respond to any of my calls or texts. I thought he was just angry at me..."

"He's not angry at you," I return, my voice quiet, "he feels guilty."

"I know," she whispers, "I know. I saw the guilt in his eyes before he left. But I thought...hoped...that it had gotten better."

It won't get better. Cole's stubborn and reluctant to let himself be happy. It's as if he thinks he needs to torture himself over everything that goes wrong. When a glimpse of light shines through, he can't accept it as the truth. He's too focused on blaming himself. Too sure that everything is his fault. Additionally, he's too stubborn to believe anyone who says differently.

"I don't know what else to say," I bite my lip, urgency seeping into my words, "but please...come soon. I don't know what to do. Maybe he'll listen to you."

I can't stop the feeling of dread that courses through my veins as I remember Cole's words the night before. "I tried not to do it," he'd said, shame coloring his tone, "I tried but I couldn't..."

I recognized the disgust in his pain far too well. It mirrored the way I felt every time I let another bully push me around. It mirrored the shame I felt every time I ran away from relationships. Always, always, I assumed the worst of people who wanted to be my friend. I'm disgusted with the way I push everyone away.

I did it to Cole. I pushed him away. I have to go make this right. I have to save him from destruction.

He won't listen to me, that much I know. He may run away from me. I may have lost him with my words. Any of the above are painful, but if he doesn't harm himself...I can live with them.

I dial my mother's number, quickly leaving a message to inform her of my whereabouts. I'll explain what's going on: this constant running around, the bruises, the bullying. I'll be honest with her tonight. My secrets aren't worth keeping. When I try to make situations better by hiding the truth, they only spiral downward more rapidly. But now I need to find Cole. I need to prevent him from doing something that might land him in the hospital.