Friends Forever, huh?

bonus chapter | reminscing

Cole sits with his back to me, unaware of my presence as I silently step closer to him. Eventually, he turns to face me, a smile curling his lips upward at the sight of me.

"Hey, sunshine."

"Hey."

I observe my husband with a smile identical to his pulling at the corners of my lips, "You look happy," I say softly, remembering a time where his lips had a natural downward tilt instead of an upward one.

At one time, the only smiles he knew were faux ones--granite smiles that remained carved into his lips until he found himself alone. Then the granite crumbled and he remained as rubble, scattered on the bathroom floor, trying to piece himself back together.

In response to my words, he wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me close, his head naturally coming to rest on my shoulder, "I am happy." Gentle laughter rumbles from his throat, "My younger self would marvel at it."

"What would you tell him?" I question, my fingers absentmindedly running through his curls, "Your younger self, I mean."

Cole considers my words for a moment, biting his lip as he has a habit of doing when he's thinking. His fingers reach out to grasp mine as he speaks

"I'd tell him it gets better," He says quietly, contemplative, "It wouldn't help him much, though. He would still struggle with an overwhelming desire to cause his own destruction. He would still blame himself for driving his family apart..."

"But?" I prompt, a few minutes later, when silence unfolds between us.

"But...he would know that there was light at the end. That's all he needed, really. He didn't need an immediate escape from his problems...he just needed to know that he would be able to escape."

"It's not completely as simple as that, though," He continues, "The idea of 'light at the end of the tunnel,' is unbelievably vague, so he'd have to learn that lights are a myriad of things..."

Pulling his head away from my shoulder, Cole leans forward to stroke my cheek, "You were--are--one of them."

The small distance between us suddenly seems far too much, so I lean forward to close it. My lips are nearly on his when I whisper, "You're one of mine too."

When Cole kisses me, I curl into him, lingering in the familiarity of his touch. His arms wrap around me and mine mimic his actions to do the same. Then,  his words, our happiness, and nostalgia over the past coalesce to clarify the past and our roles in each other's lives.

Humans, I realize, were never meant to assume the role of savior. Significant others were never meant to hold you until you forgot the aches of the past.

You don't forget the past so easily. I haven't forgotten, but Shelby's insults and the overwhelming loneliness of my high school years have faded into my skin. Like scars, they remain there as reminders of the past, but they don't hurt anymore.

The scars on Cole's wrists are more tangible reminders of yesterday's ghosts; bloodstained evidence of the dislike he used to have for himself, memories of the nights he drowned in his guilt, cutting his wrists to feel something but hatred.

Cole and I came back to each other in time to bandage each other's wounds. We were never healers, simply people that learned to love each other by the staying and bandaging cuts that looked too similar to the ones on our own skin. 

We learned to bandage each other and our mutual commitment has etched today's smiles onto our faces, wiping away yesterday's sorrow.

As he presses his lips to my temple, I know he's correct. It goes get better. Agonizingly slowly, it gets better, but the future redeems the scars of the past.

***
Merry {a couple days early} Christmas, y'all :) I know this is a short finale to this novel and I was planning on making the chapter longer but there's just a lot going on in my family right now & i don't know, Christmas is hard for me right now. I did want to write this though, so I'm glad i did & I'm beyond thankful for y'alls support on this story. We're at 9k reads! THANK YOU!

in reviewing this book, I realize that isn't perfect. It's too cliche and cheesy in places but here's the thing: I don't care. I don't care, because there's one thing I want you to take away from this book: it gets better.

It gets better, it does, but this is not to say that it will be easy. Realistically, it's damn hard some days. You'll watch other people laugh and smile & wonder why they can be joyful while you feel as if you're drowning. but slowly, slowly, slowly, you will find spots of sunlight again.

make lists. every dang day. make lists of every good thing that happens. keep track. allow happiness a chance. find people that love you and hold them close. never ever give up. it gets so much better than the darkness you suffer through. i promise.

& good news, guys?? there's this boy. and he's not like Cole to me--he's just a friend (currently at least)--but goodness guys, I'm starting to understand why girls write poetry about boys & fall in love with the way they make happiness seem like a person instead of just a feeling.

love you. Sorry this is all a mess. If you're a praying person, maybe say a prayer for me & my family.

-juls