tune you out // phan

chapter 2

Dan carefully slipped the journal back under the darkness of his bed before hauling himself up. He inwardly groaned at the thought of having to awkwardly greet his relatives. Sure, they weren't bad, but he didn't like the idea of his soulmate and potential love life being revealed to them firsthand. Dan would much prefer if he could introduce his soulmate to them on his own accord. What if they're homophobic or something? Dan shook the thought away quickly. He never had identified as anything, but he knew he wasn't straight. Previously, Dan had considered himself bisexual just so he had a label he could use if someone brought up the subject. However, he was still trying to figure out his sexuality. Dan had been 11 when he realized he wasn't quite as straight as he thought he was.

****

It had been just another day at school. The weather wasn't exactly unpleasant, but humid enough for some of the kickball players to sit on the benches. Dan was never into sports and usually sat in the shade, a book open in his lap. Today, though, he wasn't the only one sitting on the bench in the shade. He didn't pay much attention to his surroundings, though, and rather immersed himself in the book he was currently reading. He was pages away from finishing the science fiction when the bell rang, signalling the end of recess. Normally, Dan would close the book and follow his peers inside. However, since he had only a few pages to go, he decided to read them as he walked in. In the back of Dan's mind he knew that since he wasn't paying attention to his surroundings, he could easily run into someone, but he ignored it. It shouldn't take too long to read these, plus I won't be able to last the rest of the day without knowing how this ends. Unfortunately, Dan should've listened to the little voice in the back of his head. One moment, Dan was walking, and the next he was hurtling towards the ground. It was too late to stop himself from falling, so Dan just braced himself for the collision with the hard pavement. However, it never happened.

A small grunt caused Dan to open his eyes. Staring back into his eyes were deep green ones. He realized with embarrassment that he had fallen onto someone. Dan quickly scrambled off of the other boy, blushing furiously. It was one of the kickball players, which made it worse. "I-I'm really sorry," he managed to choke out before picking up his book that had fallen nearby and shuffling away. Jesus Christ, Dan! You're literally such a mess. PJ Ligouri was his name, if Dan recalled. He never had any classes with him, which was a bit of a relief as Dan heard that he was homophobic and he wasn't sure if he could face the boy after "the incident". Although Dan didn't have any feelings towards PJ, he felt something flutter in his stomach at the thought that he was so close in proximity with him.

****

"Dan!" his mother called, interrupting Dan's thoughts again. 

"I'll be right there!" he shouted in reply before looking at himself in the mirror again. After a few seconds of fixing his fringe and straightening out his shirt, Dan made his way downstairs. He plastered on a smile to hide his nervousness as he hugged and greeted his relatives. Thankfully, his parents had let his friends, Chris and Louise, come over for the occasion too. 

"Louise and Chris are in the guest room," Dan's mother informed as she passed by the boy, a veggie platter carefully balanced in her hands. He nodded and made his way to the room.

"Hey guys!" Dan smiled, embracing his friends, trying his best to push down his worry. However, Louise and Chris saw right through. 

"Dan, what's wrong?" Louise asked, her eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

"I-I know it's supposed to be the best day of my life, right? And sure, even if you don't hear anything right away that doesn't mean you're doomed to a lifetime forever alone. But what if I go through my entire lifetime alone anyway? Or what if I hear something and then it immediately stops because they suddenly die or something? What if I meet them and they don't like me, or I screw something up, like I usually do. What if I hear something but I spend my whole life trying to find them and I still can't find them? This is just so stressful. It's like God's way to see if you're worthy of love or not. Oh hell, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, I'm fucking atheist!" Dan blurted out, running a hand through his hair to try to calm himself down. He tried to fiddle with his fringe, although his shaking fingers made it a bit difficult. 

"Dan, buddy, homeslice, friend, fellow human being, relax. I'm sure it'll be fine. Just take a few deep breaths." Chris tried to comfort his friend. Louise added her own words of reassurance, taking one of Dan's hands in hers. After a few minutes, that had felt like years, Dan's breathing slowed back to normal and his hands weren't shaking as much. 

"Thank you," he smiled weakly, "I-I think I'm ready to face everyone now." As if on cue, Dan's father appeared in the doorway. 

"Dan, it's time."

*****

author's note // I apologize for all of the grammar mistakes but I kind of like how it's coming out? I was previously going to have phil be the one that dan fell on top of, but then I remembered phil was 4 years older than dan  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯