Falling in Love Backwards

Anger and rejection

I spent the next month free of Kade. Which for some reason made me even more angry. I had thought that he wasn't serious about having feelings for me, and now I was sure of it.

How could someone that had never been with someone for more that a few weeks in their entire life, ever be in a committed relationship?

Simple. They couldn't.

I was setting in the Doctor's office, waiting on him to confirm what I had had suspicions about for the last month or so. My suspicions where confirmed a few moments later. He smiled at me and told me the good news. At least, he thought that it was good news. I wasn't so sure yet.

"Congratulations, Ms. Owens. You are in fact pregnant." He beamed at me, unaware of my raising panic. I still had to finish college. How was I supposed to do that with a baby?

"Thank you, so what happens next?" I have no clue how any of this works. None of my friends have kids yet, so I have no one to ask for advice.

"Now we do a quick ultrasound to determine how far along you are, and that will help us calculate your due date. Then proceed from there." His smile was reassuring, and yet it was irritating all at once.

***

As it turns out, I'm 12 weeks pregnant. I'm scheduled for a follow up appointment in a month. I'm beyond scared shitless. Soon I'll have to tell everyone. I'll have to tell Kade.

My thoughts were interrupted my a knock at the door. When I opened it I was face to face with the one person who could shatter my whole world. Or pull it together.

"Kade, it's been a while." My voice was level despite my growing agitation towards him.

"I wanted to tell you in person why I've been gone. I felt that I owed you that." He had the gall to look ashamed.

"Really? Do go on." I deadpanned.

"I was called away early. They needed me on the job site, I wasn't supposed to go for another couple weeks." He grabbed for my hand as if willing me to forgive him. "I'm only home until tomorrow evening. I have to be back on a flight tomorrow night. I just wanted to let you know that I was serious about what I said to you. I'm starting to fall for you and I want to see where this goes, but I'll be in Colorado for the next 6 or so months."

"So you're leaving again." I pulled my hand away, a cool acceptance washing over me. I couldn't even be angry with him.

"Yes, but when I come back I want to try and win your heart. If you'll let me." His eyes were hopeful and I felt a flicker of hope start in myself, but I couldn't let this feeling guide my actions. I couldn't just think about myself anymore, I had to think about my baby.

What if he left again? I could't put my child through that heartache. Couldn't put myself through the heartache.

"You can try, but I gave you a chance and you blew it. A simple phone call would have sufficed, Kade. You could have called me and told me this when you left. I would have waited. Now I don't know if I can." I closed the door and locked it. He called my name through the door and I felt myself slid to the floor. Kade knocked on the door and called for me again, but it wasn't the way he called my name that broke something in me. It was the sound of him walking away.

I wouldn't see him for half a year. And he wouldn't know about our baby. I would have to go through this alone.

***

It's been 3 months since I last seen Kade, but I thought about him almost everyday. It took me longer than I'd like to admit to realize that I was in love with him. I was a fool, of course.

I wasn't only thinking of him for myself though. My child deserved to know her father, even if he was a commitment phobic coward. Kade hadn't contacted me since the day he came to see me. Further proving to me that he wasn't serious about me and thus would be just as irresponsible in regards to our daughter.

Jen on the other hand had made it her mission in life to be the best aunt to my little girl that she possibly could. Despite the fact that she wasn't actually my sister. She was a bit confused though when I first told her that I was pregnant, as I hadn't even told her about losing my virginity. She demanded to know who the father was and why I hadn't told her, but with time she had accepted that I would probably never tell her. I loved her immensely for that.

I mean I hadn't told anyone that Kade was the father.

Maggie, Kade's mother, seemed to just know without being told. She hadn't said anything about it to me, but the looks she gave me let me know. She had guessed my secret and unless she said something, I wasn't about to confront her. She was exceedingly kind to me, always asking how I was every time she saw me. She really seemed to care about the well being of myself and my daughter. She had become a surrogate mother to me, when I needed one the most.

It was kind of nice to have someone be so invested in my life. My own parents weren't as supportive as Maggie. We had never been on very good terms, so when I told them that I was having a baby they just seemed to take a step back. Metaphorically speaking, as I hadn't actually seen them in person for quite some time. They simply stopped being involved in my life, as though I wasn't someone they wanted to be associated with anymore.

I hadn't lived with them for a few years, but to have them suddenly abandon me in that way. I didn't know how to handle that kind of rejection.

I didn't know how to handle Kade's apparent rejection either.

It was something that I would have to learn to accept. Or else let the pain of rejection swallow me while.