Falling in Love Backwards

Weighing the potential

Jen was setting on the porch with me, simply watching the leaves fall and flutter in the wind. It was relaxing to just enjoy the autumn breeze and the occasional kick I felt from my small bump.

"Have you heard about Kade?" Jen asked sipping her coffee. I had tried my best to ignore any and everything to do with Kade to be perfectly honest, but she didn't know that.

"No. If it's important let me have it, otherwise I don't really need to know." I sounded callous I know, but it was easier to hide my feeling that way.

"Ok grouch. I was just going to tell you Maggie said Kade would be home for Christmas. Home to stay. She was so glad that he would be back to spend the holidays with his family."

At least I would have another few months of peace before he came back. I didn't need the stress that he seemed to carry with him.

"Sorry for the tone earlier. Hormones probably." Jen was a good friend to have, especially with the holidays around the corner and I didn't want her upset with me. She was like a breath of fresh air when my life became stagnant. I needed her.

"It's fine, girl. We all get a bit moody sometimes and you have more reason than most to be so." She smiled and lay a warm hand on my belly. The baby kicked in response, making Jen's smile all the more warm and sincere. "So what are you gonna name her?"

"I'm not set on a name yet. If she's going to be stuck with a name forever I want it to be a good one." I didn't want to give her a name that was as common as mine, or too strange either. My hands unwittingly found my bump and I caressed it, deep in thought. At least until my stomach growled loudly.

We both laughed. I was a slave to my body and my growing daughter, but I wasn't all that upset about it. It gave me a reason to take care of my body, even if only for her.

Jen hugged me goodbye and I went inside to cook lunch. Even thought it was only September, it was getting quite cold in the afternoons so I decided to make a pot of chili to warm me up.

I curled up in my favorite chair, my legs tucked underneath me. I grabbed my book and opened it, with my bowl perched on top of my belly I could hold the books more securely while I ate. Pregnancy has its perks sometimes.

I had been reading aloud to her recently after Maggie had told me that she could hear me. I wanted her to know my voice and to be soothed by me reading to her after she was born. I also may have wanted a head start at having her love my favorite books as well.

***

I had been studying hard for the last several weeks, determined to finish my degree early so that I had time to get used to being a mom after my baby was born verses having to work, study, and be a single parent all at once. If I continued to work hard I could graduate before she's born.

"I invited you over to relax and visit not work yourself to death on that computer." Maggie said pulling the laptop from my grasp. She smiled down at me and handed me a mug of tea.

"I know, but the faster I get this done the sooner I can focus on her." I told her a hand resting on my bump, where I could feel her kicking.

"Did Jen tell you that Kade will be home for Christmas?" She asked nonchalantly, an innocent smile on her lips. I knew that she had figured out that Kade was the father, but neither of us had said anything about it or even hinted at having a conversation about it. I guess the moment has come for that conversation.

"Yes, she did tell me that. And I know that you know, so you can stop with the subtle hints, Maggie." I sighed and sipped at my tea, ignoring the grin she was giving me.

"I've been waiting for you to admit it, and now that you have you can tell me why you haven't told him."

I grimaced. I should have known that she would ask. I truthfully didn't have a good answer.

"He left right after I found out. I was just getting used to the idea myself, I didn't know how to tell him. And I was so angry at him then too. He's such an idiot for leaving like that." I was frowning into my cup, afraid to see whatever expression she may have.

"He tried to apologize then, Paige. He really does love you. I know you don't believe me, but it's true. And I think that my granddaughter deserves to know her father, even if you don't want to be with him, you can still be a family."

She was right. I knew it in my heart that she was right, but I was still so mad that he just left with out a word. I would have waited for him. I would have waited for him to come home.

We sat in silence for what seemed like ages. Me contemplating my fucked up life and Maggie letting me think about what she had said. I couldn't argue with her, my daughter did deserve to know her father. Wether or not he deserved to know her was another question, but I had made up my mind.

"As angry at him as I am, you're right. I'll tell him when he comes home." She smiled reassuringly at me, but I was still apprehensive.

What would he say when I told him?

Would he hate me for hiding this from him?

And could I find it in myself to forgive him?