The words hit me as hard today as they did a month ago. I still cry just as hard at night, I stick to them. I believe them because I know they are true . I'll never forget that feeling. The feeling when the one person you ever fell in love with says you're useless. The sensation of your heart dropping out of your body. The almost instantaneous Loneliness that follows. That was the worst feeling I've ever experienced in my life. And it doesn't help that someone in my high school found out and told everyone. Now I get picked on for it almost consistently. I feel empty, lost . I haven't eaten a full meal in almost a month and I only eat once a day . I'm full of self harm cuts and I smoke so much I'm practically blowing out smoke every time I breathe. It hard because he was my first for everything so I can't just get over him . I force myself not to think about it anymore, I lift myself up off the bench and hear a male voice coming from my right side. " hi" it said to me , I jump and look at him . He's not that much taller than I but he's older , more matured than me . He moves closer and I see he has dark, thick stubble on his face . " I've been watching you for a while , you seem upset about something ?" The last part of that sentence comes out in a questionable tone. I stare at him for a few seconds before responding. " Im fine, just thinking " ,
" is everything alright?' I'm Ryan by the way" .
He moves closer and holds out his hand , I take it and gasp a bit when I look at him again. This close I can see just how shockingly similar he is to to jake. The same pale skin, identical cut and curl in his hair , his soft jawline and cheek bones . Lips almost to thin for his face but at the same time so full and soft looking . But it's not his almost identical face that shocks me . It's his eyes. They at the exact shade of faded green as Jake's are, with a touch of vivid amber running through the iris. And they hold the same kindness and genuine curiosity as jake's do. It almost blows me away how I feel immediately connected to him. I'm aware I've been staring at him for too long now.
" Im sorry "
i say softly as I look away . "No, don't look away"
he says as he uses his finger to gently turn my head in his direction again. " do I remind you of someone or do you usually stare at someone for a minute " he chuckles out.
" Im sorry, you look very similar to someone I know, very similar actually. Only difference is your hair colour "
I manage to say all of that without breaking eye contact , a new record for me .Ryan studies my face for a second before he breaks eye contact to flicker his eyes down my lips . He inhales before he speaks again ,
"This person i remind you of , they seem very important to you, no?"
He asks as me as I look down and pick at my nails.
" Yes , he is very important to me . I'm amber" I reply.
He makes a move to sit down, " come sit , explain to me " he exclaims.
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Bye the time we're done talking it's almost 11:30, and I have his phone number. I look at my phone and tell him I'd better get going. He stands up with me and pulls me to his chest, with one last tight squeeze he sends me off with a goodnight. When I look back halfway down the path he's sitting on the Bench looking at me . I give him a weak wave before the bend of the path and and trees blocks him from my view. By the time I get home I have the full ache of heartbreak again. When I was with Ryan his kind and loveable personality was refreshing, he made all of the pain vanish while I was talking to him . I softly touch the area of my thigh where his hand never left since I sat down next to him. My pants were damp from the snow falling but his hand print was visible where his body heat had dried the fabric. I felt like I had possibly found my next jake, my next shot at being happy again . And I knew I'm the back of my mind I was giving too much hope to this . And boy was I right...
