Dust

XLIV

         

The next few days seem to go on without disturbances, with the exception, of course, of Shi's sudden hotheadedness and starvation—at least, this starvation is what he says, though you can tell his body is getting more than enough fuel. As I have been doing since my arrival here, I keep an eye on Kip, because the last thing I need is his curiosity ruining our plan for tonight.

    Tonight.

    I sigh just thinking about it, because there are about a zillion ways something could go wrong—no, really, I'm making a list at this moment. A pen rests in my fingers, a notebook open across my knees, my back pressed up against the guest bed's headboard. The curtains drawn shut, my only source of light is the lamp on the nightstand, which lends the whole room an eerie atmosphere.

    A part of me is telling myself that maybe, just maybe, making a list of accidental sabotages is not good for me, but I can't help myself. The other part of me that I'm fighting to agree with is saying that if I keep listing these things, I can come up with ways to avoid them somehow. It's dumb. It's probably dumb. But sometimes I can't fight my dumbness.

    A knock on the door startles me, and as I settle from jolting, I look up to see Shi poking his head in the door, a small smile on his face. The glow from the lamp seems to make his hair appear fairer, his eyes a mix of black and gold. "Hey...can I interrupt your alone time, by any chance?"

    I frown down at my scrunched handwriting, not as neat as it could be, and wave Shi over. "Please do. I'm being unhealthy."

    "No way! The health guru mom is being unhealthy?" Shi replies, and when he gets close enough, I reprimand him for making fun of me with a nudge in the side. To my dismay, I don't even get a squeal of discomfort. I scoot over, letting Shi come onto the bed beside me. "So, what's this list about?"

    "Um, Shi—"

    He grabs it out of my hands before I can give much a protest, and I just sigh, watching his expression change to something on the border of accusation and surprise as he reads Way #1, which is Shi eats me. "Okay, I can see why that would certainly be a bump in the process," Shi admits. He hands the notebook back to me, clearly not wanting to read more. "What about not thinking about violent hypotheticals?"

    "I'm a hypocrite," I say. "Sorry."

    "You're worried about tonight, aren't you?" asks Shi, crossing his legs, his fingers curling around his ankles. His lips turn downwards, his risen eyebrows softening his face. "Ah, come on, Gemma, don't deny it. I know what this is about...you're anxious."

    "Well, I mean—"

    "You're scared of me."

    Whatever I would have said after Well, I mean, is forever lost at that moment. I drop my eyes to the comforter underneath me, gnawing at my lip. Shi doesn't sound hurt when he says this, just his usual sense of all-consuming concern. A part of me is annoyed by the fact that Shi never seems to let anything hurt him, only centers his attention on the betterment of others. It takes me a second to realize that this annoyance is jealousy. "You know how my father died, Shi, how I lost my sight in this eye," I reply, gesturing towards my left eye. "It's not something I've just forgotten."

    "I know." I can't see his face, but I can tell by the tone of his voice that he's frowning. Even if I haven't known Shi that long, I know that frown. I don't have to see it to know it's there. "I would never expect you, ask you, to forget anything like that—but I do want you to know that, whatever happens, we're going to come out of this alive. It was stupid of me not to tell you sooner; I know, so let me repay you with this: We're gonna be fine."