Dust

L

I sit, crouched in the darkness, my knees hugged to my chest as I try to figure how I got here. Where I'm supposed to go. What I'm supposed to do. Who I'm supposed to trust.

Everything inside of me is numb; I keep wanting to raise my voice and speak to Shi beside me, until I realize with a painful wrench in my stomach that he's not there. That he will never be there, anywhere, ever again. It's because of me, too. You are the reason he was here in the first place. It's true. It's not fair, but it's true.

Tears slide down my cheeks; the crying has been going on and off for the past few hours. It's painful: just me here, sobbing into the dark, wishing I still had someone talk to. Wishing I hadn't just watched Shi die. Wishing I didn't feel so alone. Shi was my advisor. How am I supposed to go on without him?

Worst of all is the guilt. Gael had warned me things would turn out like this if I didn't just talk. Maybe if I had obliged earlier, Shi would still be on the other side of that wall. Maybe then his blood wouldn't stain my clothes.

With a sudden burst of rash anger—at Hersch, at myself, at anything and anyone—I rise to my feet, Shi's locket still clutched so hard inside of my fist that it will probably leave an indent in my skin. Then, with a harsh grunt, I chuck it at the wall. It makes contact with the wall with an echoing clink and then slides to the floor.

My scream dissolves into another sob, and as I whisper Shi's name, I sink down to my knees again and press my hands to my eyes. A self-deprecating smile. A nudge to adjust his glasses. The sorrowful look on his face at the thought of his family. His always reassuring words, that somehow had their own way of making me feel less of a lunatic. He's all I can think. He's all I can hear. He's all I can see.

He's all that I wish I could touch.

I wipe my eyes again, crawling forward to pick up the necklace in the hopes that it's not damaged. Get yourself together, I tell myself. Going around breaking things is not going to bring him back.

Just as I've grabbed the necklace again and am staring down at it, a voice momentarily startles me: "Gemma, are you okay?"

I look to see Gael leaning against the steel bars of the door. He watches me with a slightly cocked head, blinking at me with concern evident in his expression. My heart suffers a million more fractures. Maybe it's just the fact that he's seeing my brokenness that seems to have just made things worse.

In response to his question, all I can do is shake my head.

Gael's voice is softer this time around, gruff. I get the feeling he's noticed the golden locket draped across my fingers, the empty cell beside me. He rubs his eyes, "Gem, no...he can't—"

"Be dead?" I say bitterly. I drop my eyes to the necklace, rubbing my thumb over the roses circling the engraved C. Carmichael. Shiloh Carmichael. "Yeah, well he is. He bled out in my arms. I watched him die."

"Gem..."

"What are you gonna say?" I still don't look at him. "That I should have listened to you, that there's some things I'm not intended to fight? I know, Gael. I had to learn it the hard way, but I know."

"I wasn't going to say anything like that, Gemma," Gael says. "In fact, I was going to tell you I'm sorry, since I do owe you an apology."

This causes me to look up at him; he drapes his arms through the bars now, biting his lip. The look on his face tells me he means it, and that he's just been waiting for me to turn and make eye contact with him. There is nothing I would rather do right now than jump into my arms and let him hold me so tight that he squeezed my shattered self back together. If only that was possible. "I knew about the night I met you a long time before I told you. I shouldn't have waited. So, whatever guilt you're putting on yourself, put it all on me, Gemma. Please. I hate to see you tearing yourself up."

"That's a nice offer," I say, managing a rueful grin, a small one at that, "but that's not something I want to do. I'd rather hate myself than you. I've lost enough, and I don't need to add you to that list."

"Promise me this, then. Promise me you know this isn't your fault, that there's nothing you could have done."

I bite my lip, sniffling again. "But there is—"

"Gemma."

"Okay," I say. "Okay, fine. It's not my fault. I know it's not my fault."

Gael's lips draw up into a smile, one that hides as much melancholy as my own. I can tell he's upset by Shi's death, even if he didn't know him as well—he knows I cared about him, so my loss is his own. "That's my girl." His voice is as brittle as wet paper.

"So you were right." I force myself to get up, to show Gael the grief etched into my face, to let him into the depths of my true emotions. There's no sense, I realize, in hiding anything from him. "I didn't know what Hersch is capable of, but I do now, which is why I need your help."

"I imagine it's going to get you out of here, right?" Gael's eyebrow is raised.

"It's going to get me out of here and it's going to get me revenge," I say. I lean against the bars, and Gael steps back as I outstretch my hand through them. I open my fist, showing the necklace. Gael blinks down at it, unshed tears in his eyes. "I'll avenge Shi even if I take my last breath because of it. He didn't deserve to die, not like that." I smile down at the necklace as I drop it into Gael's palm. He looks up at me. "He should have lived with me, until he found a girl and fell in love and started a family. He should have endured years of birthday parties, of old home videos and good-spirited roasts. He should have grown up to be the old man with the sleepy yellow eyes who always has the wise advice. Shi should have died peacefully, surrounded by the ones that loved him. He shouldn't have died like that."

I close Gael's fingers. "Take the necklace back home and keep it somewhere safe. It's not mine, it's his, and if anyone should have it, it's the rest of the Carmichaels."

Gael gives me a look. "The Carmichaels that abandoned him and caused him to run away to a cave?"

I narrow my eyes at him. "The Carmichaels that raised him and loved him and still do. The Carmichaels that deserve to know their son, their brother, died a hero for his country. He wouldn't tell Hersch anything, even if she took his life because of it. That's courage, and courage I don't have."

"Okay," Gael says with a solemn nod, and I watch as the locket disappears into his pocket. "I'll keep it for you. But...what else are you planning to do, then?"

"Well, I'm going to tell her what she wants to hear," I say, "and most likely she's not going to be happy about it. And, whatever else happens after that, I will figure it out."

Gael stares at me for a long time, an absent curl in his eyes. "And if she kills you?"

I crack my knuckles, one finger at a time, shielding my eyes with my lashes. "No one's putting me in my grave until Hersch is dead for what she's done. That's all I have to say." I look up to Gael again. "So will you help me?"

"I suppose I don't have much of a choice. If it's for Shi."

"Good. Bring me Meredith's map."

"Meredith's map?" Gael repeats, eyes widening. "The map that leads from here to Maris?"

"Yes," I say, lifting my gaze to him again and giving an assertive smile. "It's where she wants to go, or at least will want to go, and that's good. Because that's exactly where I want her to end up."