Blessing Monroe
My mind was cluttered I didn't know what to think about, everything was just floating around taking up space.
Lately I've been brushing everything aside and using my kids as a distraction but when they weren't around I was left with all these empty thoughts and feelings I had brushed aside that were waiting to be handled.
I know this isn't a good thing because if I keep to many things bottled in I'll end up snapping or reaching a breaking a point.
I thought it was weird that no one noticed the pain I was going through but maybe I just needed to be proud of myself for being such a great actor who else could hide the pain they were going through for this long.
Lately I've just been waiting for the time that all my hurt is brushed under the rug and I'm truly happy again, maybe when my son gets here I'll be different I'll be happy.
God forbid he enters the world and I'm still suffering from depression.
Rakim has been staying at my house for a few weeks now and has neglected to handle the Layla situation until today.
In away I was happy that he was brushing it aside not because I wanted him to be here with me but because I rather him be here and I know exactly what he's doing, then for him to be out handling his anger in a complete absurd way.
Plus it made the kids happy to wake up to both of us in one home Junior's dreams were more happy and I found my self waking up to me, him, Ruby, and Rakim all together in one bed which was a great feeling.
Ruby was becoming more social around us and Junior was becoming closer to his father which is exactly what Rakim wanted. He wanted for his son to feel comfortable coming to him about his dreams since they suffered from the same things.
Ruby being more social brought her closer to me she always wanted to do girl stuff with me, wanting me to do her hair, paint her nails, or even wearing matching outfits. She often caught her self staring off in to space, there were times were she would just sit and stare at me for the longest period of time before she snaps out of it and with a small laugh she'll say "mommy you're so pretty" it was odd but it was adorable.
She was still a daddy's girl she would spend time with me but the minute her father stepped in to the room it was like she was under a trance and just wanted to talk to him for hours about nothing in general.
She always wanted to dance, wanting me to turn on music for her so I was thinking about signing her up for ballet.
I have yet to figure out what Junior wants to do he likes everything he likes to rap with his father and it's the funniest thing ever.
"What you thinkin' about?" Looking at Rakim as I sat in the passengers side with my elbow against the window and my head rested on my hand I shrugged my shoulders staring at him.
"You know you can talk ta' me about anything its' like ever since dis' split between us you been distant from me' shit from da' world." Tucking some hair behind my ear I turned my self to face him with my back against the window I placed my feet on his lap.
"I know, I'm just- I don't know" he looked from me back to the road as he thought about something.
"I would love to hear what's on your mind, if your willing to share your thoughts with me." He cracked a smile before shaking his head as a small laugh escaped his lips.
"What's funny?" A small smile spread across my face and he just shook his had smiling.
"You jus' so different... You' perfect"
"I am not" my eyebrows came together in confusion and he looked at me before his face softened.
