Love Me (Normani)

Chapter 8

Normani needed to throw up, but there was nothing she could have thrown up. She felt horrendously sick, the cause of fasting. There was nothing she could do about it. Except eat. But that wasn't going to happen, not anytime soon. She stood in the hall of the school, staring into space as she waited. She wasn't sure what she was waiting for exactly. Camila was with her boyfriend, Lauren was out on the field with her teammates for practice, Dinah, she didn't know where she was. She hadn't spoken to her since she'd had the nightmare at her house and cried. She didn't know how long it had been since that night. It was embarrassing, and she didn't want the inevitable questions she'd be faced with. It was easier to shut her out, so as hurtful to Dinah as it was, she did it. She wasn't sure how many days had passed, or maybe it had been a week or two. Life seemed to just pass her by lately, yet it felt so slow at the same time. A few teachers walked past Normani, but they didn't do anything. There was also the odd student who had detention or an after school club who finally left, making her wonder how long she'd been stood there. Then Lauren came in. She went to her locker, looked across when she saw something out the corner of her eye and saw Normani just standing there, clearly stuck in her head. She swallowed thickly, she was scaring her these days. This wasn't like her at all. She put her gym bag in her locker and walked up to the girl. "What're you still doing here?" Normani shook herself out of her daze and locked eyes with Lauren. "Oh. Hi." "Hi." Lauren mumbled, speechless almost. "It's 5 o'clock, how long have you been out here?" Normani looked at her feet and shrugged, she didn't know, she didn't care. She probably should care. This wasn't how anyone acted, anyone sane that is. "Come on, let's get out of here." Lauren took the girl's hand and lead her friend out. Normani just looked so out of it, like she was on autopilot. Her stomach hurt, and it felt like it was squeezing itself to a pulp. At times it almost brought her to tears. But she was getting used to the feeling. "Mani, I'm gonna take you home, okay?" There was an agonising silence between them. "Normani. Please. Please say something to me." Normani didn't though. She couldn't find the energy to speak. "You're scaring me." Lauren said, choking up. Normani finally looked at her friend and her heart broke. Lauren's eyes looked so scared, anxious and upset all in one. She wrapped her arms around her and closed her eyes. Lauren immediately returned the hug and squeezed the frail girl's body. "Mani, please talk to me." I can't. "I'm so worried about you. It's like you've given up on yourself." I basically have. "I really care about you. I hate seeing you do this to yourself." And I hate doing it to myself. Lauren sighed into her neck and felt herself start to cry. "I'm scared, Normani. I need you to tell me what's wrong so I can fix it." Her voice shook violently as she spoke, and Normani actually felt something, her heart breaking. Her words were only a whisper, but Lauren heard them. "I'm scared too." Lauren pulled back to look at Normani's face, and that only upset her more. The girl looked so tired, her eyes were so dull and lifeless, but if you looked into them hard enough they were sad, they had bags underneath them, her face was sunken in. She was quickly becoming skin and bones. Lauren looked into her dark brown eyes after as she assessed her face. "Please don't look at me like that." Normani whispered, her words barely audible. Lauren met her eyes, if she didn't take this opportunity she might never get it back. "Look at you like what?" "Like I'm disgusting." She croaked. Lauren looked at Normani in none other than pure disbelief. "You're not..you're not disgusting." "I am." She whimpered. "Who told you that Mani?" Lauren asked, clenching her jaw. She was ready to kick some ass. Normani shied her face away with her hair and exhaled shakily. "Please look at me." Lauren whispered sadly, taking her hand and rubbing her thumb over the back of it. "Normani, who told you?" Lauren asked her seriously, but not harshly. Myself. I'm going insane. I can't tell you anything, but I'm scared. "I can't. I can't do this." She recovered herself. "I need to go home." Normani tried to walk away from her friend, but Lauren tightened her hold on her hand. "Mani I wanna help you." Lauren said, emotion in her voice. "I really need you to talk to me." Normani sniffled back a sob threatening to come out her throat. You can't help me. No one can help me. Lauren cupped Normani's face with her free hand and stroked her cheek. "You mean so much to me, it hurts me to see you so..so, broken." Normani took a deep breath and closed her eyes, taking in the feeling. She didn't get much human contact these days, she tended to stay away. But Lauren knew how to get to her. She was gentle, sweet, kind and soft. And she was melting her like butter. "Whatever you're doing to yourself, whatever's happening, it can't go on like this." Normani dared to meet Lauren's eyes, they were full of fear and overwhelming love. Lauren wiped the tear that started to trail down her own cheek slowly. "Talk to me. Please talk to me." She begged in no more than a whisper. I can't. You wouldn't understand. No one does. I don't even understand. "I'm sorry." Normani whispered, afraid, as if the world would crumble if she spoke any louder. "But why?" Lauren pressed desperately. Normani flicked her eyes up to the blinding light of the sun and squinted, the sun acted like a wake up call. Oh shit. I have to get out of here. Normani snapped back into herself, well, not her true self. "I'm sorry." She repeated. Normani dropped Lauren's hand before walking home. "Mani!" Lauren shouted after her. "Mani come back please!!" Lauren's pleas were so broken and so desperate that she almost broke in the sense of her resolve. But she kept walking, she would walk all the way home, and stop on her scale. Although she had close to nothing in her body, Normani threw up when she saw the numbers on the scale. She coughed and spluttered as the vomit released into the bowl. She leant her head on the seat and closed her eyes tiredly. She knew it was damaging to herself to do this, but she couldn't stop. She didn't want help, but she did. She wanted freedom from this curse of endless unhappiness and starvation. Was it so hard to be happy before? She thought back to all the smiles and happy times with Lauren and Camila. Lauren cared, all she wanted to do was help her. But for that she would have to let her in and open up to her, even the idea was too much for Normani to bear. Camila, ha, she had no idea. She was so obsessed with her boyfriend that she was oblivious to everything. Dinah, who knew what was going through her head, all she knew is the girl had stopped calling, she had stopped texting, so on that basis, the girl guessed she had stopped caring. All she could do was vomit, and cry, and cry until she vomited. She didn't even register her mother come inside her en suite bathroom until she was stroking the hair out of her face. Normani had come to the conclusion she was a monster, or she was becoming one at least. She had been rejecting and hurting her mother all this time, she was holding her as she cried. How could she be doing this to her mother, fuck herself, she was truly an awful person. Who hurts their own mother like this? "I'm sorry Mommy." She sobbed. Her mother looked around at the scale, the vomit in the toilet, her skinny daughter in her arms and allowed herself to cry. How didn't she see it? How didn't she notice? What kind of mother was she? "I'm so sorry!" Normani clung to her mother's arms around her and squeezed her eyes shut as the woman rocked her back and forth soothingly. "Shh baby, it's gonna be okay." "No-" "Normani, honey, look at me sweetie, I promise you now that it's going to be alright. I'm gonna take care of you now." Normani could only nod, but she knew she'd give up on her like she'd given up on herself. She was poison. She was unintentionally destructive and dangerous. She hurt everyone she touched. She drove them away. Everything was going so wrong. But she couldn't do anything to fix it. She was stuck a vicious cycle, and she didn't know how to break it. It was like a deep, dark hellhole, but Normani didn't know anything else anymore. This hell was her home.