Behind Closed Doors

Mr. Nice Guy

     "Kiss me," her words glued themselves to my brain like the lyrics to a Meghan Trainor song. The last thing I expected Isabella Rodrigues to do was ask me to kiss her.

     "Babygirl listen to me, I want to do that, I really, really want to do that, but I need to wait," I said feeling the heat in my cheeks.

     "Wait for what? I thought this was what you wanted 'Cesco," she said sounding slightly nervous, "You were the one that said that I wasn't gonna be just another one of your late night hook ups." She looked me right in the eye and before I could respond she said, "It might seem stupid and desperate that I'm angry about this, and this is actually extremely embarrassing, but I am so confused and I have no idea what I want or what I'm doing. Thoughts about this," she motioned with her hand moving from herself to me, "have been clouding my mind and my judgement and I just need you to help me figure out what it is that I am feeling."

     "I was about to make a snarky joke, but I think I get it now Princess," I said attempting my most warm smile. "Like you just said, you're confused and you don't know what it is that you want, but I think a part of you for some reason is complicating this situation. You're getting nervous but we haven't even done anything yet. The truth is that, yea I've been more flirtatious with you than most other girls and truthfully it's because I would like to know you more, it's because I don't want you to be just another one of my late night hook ups, and I would never repeat with you the same mistakes that I've made in the past," she brought her hands up to her face and looked down, "Babygirl, you may not know how you feel about me," I moved  my hands towards her face lifting her chin up, "but that's okay and although I may really want to kiss you, it's not going to help you figure out what you want."  

     She looked up at me my hand still on her chin and took a deep breath before saying, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to complicate things or to get this stressed out, but not too long ago I fell out of a relationship with a bad guy and what happened kind of scarred me for good," I furrowed my eyebrows, "And it really messed with my head and my feelings. I'm always overthinking things now, and worrying about every single little thing that happens or that might happen. And now because of what I did and what took place in that re-re-re-relationship," she began stuttering over her words, avoiding my eyes, her voice cracking, "I never know what to feel and who to trust. I don't feel safe with anyone anymore, sometimes not even Madi. I just don't wanna get hurt again."

     "I would never hurt you Bella," I grabbed her face with my hands, "I promise," I looked in her eyes, "Tell me what happened."

    She hesitated for a second before starting, "His name is Zac. And he was the first guy that I had ever had a real relationship with. I trusted him with everything, I loved him. All I wanted was for him to love me back. I fell so hard for him that I was willing to do anything to make him feel the same about me," she started becoming nervous, moving her hands around and shaking her head, looking around the room as though she were still trying to understand the story herself. As she did this I could feel a small bubble building inside my chest just thinking about where this story might go.

     "I was so, so, so, stupid," she continued, "I never understood--I still have troubling getting over the fact that he didn't love me, that I wasn't good enough. I still have to fight these feelings everyday," I realized now that she was blaming herself for whatever happened, I sat there and watched as tears began to fall onto her cheeks. "All I wanted-- All I wanted," she said stressing the words the second time, "Was for him to want me the way he apparently wanted my best friend," she began to really cry, as my heart sank, "They were sleeping together for months! And I was oblivious, I'm such an idiot! It was all my fault," she began to cry harder, speaking more to herself than she was to me as though I wasn't even in the room. "I still don't understand what I did wrong," I wanted so badly in that moment to pull her towards me and promise to never let her go, "I was so blind to everything that was happening so that when I found out it tore me to pieces," she began wiping tears from her face.