Or Is It Real?

CHAPTER 7: Scared of Happy

Camila's POV

I wasn't expecting it, but the first few weeks after our conversation, it was actually easy to stop interacting with Lauren whenever there's a camera pointed at us or when fans were around. We sat away from each other, and even if there were times when we have to sit together, there's this huge-ass gap between us that could probably fit a toddler in it.

Lauren made good with her promise, though. She still laughed at my stupid jokes, paid attention whenever I spoke although she made it a point not to look at me too intensely, made sure that I didn't feel left out or ignored.

In short, she tried her best to make sure that nothing will change, except that there were less-to-zero touching or staring between the two of us.

It was me who started acting strange.

I became stiff whenever she's near and I made an effort to not touch her in any way that could be misconstrued as "longing touches between lovers", and knowing how the fandom was, that meant every single skin-to-skin contact was a big no no.

I also stopped looking at her altogether except for the occasional glances, because it will seem too weird if I never looked at her. People might think that we hated each other. So yeah, just the occasional one-to-two-second glances. A small smile here and there. A nod of the head as if to agree in whatever she's saying.

Our fans have definitely noticed the change in our dynamics and if they were crazy when they shipped Camren, boy, you haven't seen anything, now that they're flooding #CamrenIsDead all over social media and demanding us to get our shit together, as if we owed them anything and that they could just dictate us how we should behave or who we should be romantically linked with. Despite of all the craziness, though, I can't help but feel touched by our fans' dedication and loyalty. Given that it's a bit misguided, still, I have never felt so loved upon seeing them mourn for the "death" of Camren. It made me sad, too. Because, a part of me was rooting for "Camren Is Real."

One could only wish, right?

So, why did I break my promise again and started acting weird towards Lauren?

Well, we still talk. We're still bestfriends. Sometimes I wake up and we're both asleep on the couch with half of my body on top of her, after spending the whole night chatting or just hanging out while reading books. She never complained though. I knew she did everything in her capacity to assure me of her friendship. We hang out every chance we get and we still get teased by Dinah whenever we held hands or hugged each other. After all, she still is a proud "Captain of the Camren Ship" as she so boastfully claimed to be, tweeting camren stuff every now and then. Of course, we urged her to stop doing that because of what the management told us, but she doesn't know that, me and Lauren not wanting to tell anybody about the issue.

But one thing happened.

Luis.

He was Lauren's childhood friend who she started hanging out with a lot the first time I started ignoring her, probably because she had free time to meet her old friends since she couldn't spend it with me. Believe me, if I knew this will happen, I wouldn't have let Lauren out of my sight.

Anyway, so they hung out a few times, group dates turned into real dates, but according to Lauren, they only decided to make it official a few weeks ago.

I remember that day because Lauren was so pissed at our fans online because the camren shipping has just gone next level crazy. As in rabid. People were craving for the "old camren" and there were all kinds of speculations about us. It was just so tiring seeing our social media accounts flooded with camren stuff. Everyone close to us were being bombarded by it, and Lauren & I were starting to get embarrassed and annoyed.

Anyway, after she has cooled down from her vitriolic rants about the "stupidity" and "delusions" revolving this "fucking camren hellhole" (ouch Lauren, I mean here's a knife, why don't you just stab me repeatedly straight to the heart. That sounds less painful), Lauren told me about how awesome Luis is blah blah blah.

But as much as I wanted to be happy for her, all I could feel inside was pain.

Boys are stupid and gross. I hate them.

I especially hate Luis for stealing my Lauren from me.

Wait, MY Lauren? Where did that come from?

After that bout of jealousy and sadness that I've felt, a wave of guilt flooded all over me immediately as I felt bad for being a lousy bestfriend. Why can't I even be happy for her? Why am I being so jealous and possessive as if I was given a right to be?

So, all the confusion about how I feel for Lauren, and all the conflicting emotions battling inside me, I took the easiest route. I let things change between us – for the worse.

As I've said before, it was easier the first few weeks.

It's when I started missing her that things started to get rough. During interviews, it took every ounce of will power to stop my head from turning towards her whenever she started talking because I knew that I would never be able to look away. Staring at her eyes and her lips was like an addiction for me. I found that addiction growing stronger and stronger the more I tried to ignore her.

I just miss her.

It's pathetic, but whenever I'm alone, I read Camren fics and live through them. It's funny because the authors of those fics wrote their stories specifically for their wish fulfillment, when what I'm doing now is living through those fanfics because I can't have what I really want. I became obsessed with these stories. I also started realizing bit by bit how I really felt for Lauren, but I refused to acknowledge it. I will never acknowledge it.

Besides, what's the point? She's with whatshisface. She's straight. And she won't ever see me as anything but a friend.

How could someone as cool and hot as Lauren Jauregui like someone like me? Awkward and goofy. Full of self-doubt. Riddled with anxiety.

So, yeah, I get my fix reading Camren fics. I never imagined how it could take over my entire life, but I found myself binging on these stories every chance I get. I've gotten so addicted to it, that, one time, I accidentally pasted a Camren smut link that I saved for "night reading" when I was promoting our single, "Bo$$". I couldn't look Lauren in the eye for quite some time after that.

Judge me all you want. But you'll never know real struggle until you fall in love with your bestfriend. And not just any bestfriend. It has to be Lauren fucking goddess Jauregui and she will never ever reciprocate my feelings for her.

Wait. I did not just say I fell in love with Lauren, did I?

Yeah, I totally did.

Well, then. Aren't I just a big sack of pathetic?

Now leave me in peace while my soul decays reading Camren smut all night long and ignoring the real, live Lauren all day long.

Have I told you I'm pathetic?

Yeah, whatever.
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A/N: the following chapter is where things start to happen.

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