Faking it~H.S

The truth.

*this is unedited please excuse all grammatical errors, thanks*

Okay, I thought I'd finally make this chapter so that you guys could kind of have an explanation for why my updates have been so slow.

You all are entitled to your own opinion, however if yours is negative please save it for yourself.

I don't know really know how else to put this really.

But I just don't feel as happy as I used to, or need to be. If any of you knew me for awhile, and I mean like a long time or maybe you know someone like me. But growing up to be known as the funny person that could always make people laugh or smile, I've always had personal standards for myself. I always have to have certain things a way.

One of them being my happiness, it's normal to be down and sad. But I've always told myself, okay you can be sad for this amount of days or that amount of weeks then it's over...bottle the rest up.

Recently I've found it hard to pick myself back up and hold myself together for the sake of you guys and a lot of people.

This past summer, was honestly not the greatest at all. I've never and I mean NEVER felt this lonely, or dark or sad in my ENTIRE life. I really just didn't feel motivated to do anything.

To make matters worse, I started to lose "friends" and I felt like I really needed the extra back bone whether they were fake or not. But those little things like losing fake friends really would affect me and it didn't used to.

I didn't feel like me I would get upset easier and cry a lot.

No matter who I talked to it didn't help, I'd get the same answer "you just need to go out and surround yourself with people." Somehow, even around people I felt so alone and dark and I didn't feel like anyone would ever understand me of like me. And I just had a lot of negative thoughts.

I honestly didn't know what was wrong with me, when you're lonely you're supposed to get around people and you'll be fine, right?

Nothing was working and all I wanted to do was stay in bed, and avoid talking to anyone. When I did go out, I had this fake persona...I was trying so hard to find myself and snap myself back into reality and it just wasn't working.

I felt so angry and disappointed in myself, and I didn't know why.

I remember this one day, that I woke up in the morning and it seriously hit me how unhappy I am and that I just seriously needed someone or anything to help me. I didn't know who to talk to because everyone else brushed me off.

I started to rethinking my self worth and my worth to everyone else. I felt like nothing and like I wasn't needed at all. I didn't feel confident in myself anymore. Everything just felt so upside down and dark and so empty.

That's why for the whole summer I didn't do anything I loved to do. I didn't want it to feel like a chore because it's not.

And I think that you guys are way too good to me and you deserve to know what I'm going through lately.

I'm really sorry if I let any of you guys down, but I don't want to write shitty chapters and continuously post shitty stuff. I think you guys deserve the best that I can ever give you because honestly you've all been more supportive than ANY of my real life friends.

I don't think you guys truly understand how much you mean to me, I find it so amazing that I've only gotten love from you guys.

I truly mean this with everything in me that I love you guys and you mean the world to me. And I know I usually say give me sometimes with my problems, but this time I seriously think I need a friend or two that I can talk to when I start to bring myself back to that really dark place.

I hope you guys understand, and thanks for sticking around through all this shit. You guys all are the G.O.A.T.

I love you guys❤️