Weddings

Chapter 13

"Woah! Dad! Shit, sorry!"

Paul didn't have time to process what was going on. Suddenly a very shocked, embarrassed Emil was backing out of the living room, hands raised in a gesture of sincere apology. Schneider was gone too, off Paul like a rocket and stood at the opposite side of the room, pacing and looking flustered as his adrenaline rush and arousal subsided. Thank fuck. Paul silently adjusted his towel, sitting up and looking at his son apologetically over the back of the couch. "Uh.. sorry about that, kid. Lost control for a moment there."

"Yep." Emil was bright red as he grabbed his phone from an armchair, rushing back to his room.

Great! What a brilliant welcome to his new home. Paul sighed, trying to suppress the irritable feeling rising in his stomach. He didn't want to take this out on Schneider.

"Schneider, could you.. could you just wait here? We should probably talk." The drummer swung his trapped looking eyes in Paul's direction, giving an uncomfortable nod and cough as he paced again momentarily before sitting down, fiddling with the cuff of his shirt. He's panicking. He doesn't know what to do. Perhaps it was for the best if Paul left Schneider alone for a minute; give them both a chance to clear their thoughts.

The guitarist headed back to his room, taking even longer than normal to get dressed as his mind raced through what had just happened. Ultimately there were only two things he knew for certain; firstly, he wanted Emil to feel welcome and comfortable here more than anything else, secondly, Richard was definitely the only one for him. Simple.

When he re-entered the living room it became clear Schneider had also been thinking about what he wanted; the drummer was sitting with his eyes shut in concentration, tapping a rhythm on to his knees. He always did that when he was thinking about difficult topics.

Paul settled on to the couch, turning so that he and Schneider were opposite each other. He smiled as his friend opened his eyes and stilled his hands. This is simple. Just tell him you don't want a relationship and you don't want sex. No need to mention Richard. If he tries to kiss you use Emil as an excuse to stop him. Einfach. Sehr einfach. You can do it Paul.

"Paul." Schneider interrupted the smaller man before he'd even spoken. "Listen, I tried to talk to you at the Polterabend the other day, but you seemed so angry and in such a hurry to get away! I've been wanting to talk to you for ages but you didn't even attend the wedding! Where have you been?" He seemed genuinely exasperated.

"Oh.. uh. Well, I-I've been busy moving Emil in." And crying, drinking, and sleeping. No need to tell him that though.

"I promised myself I wouldn't be quiet about this anymore, Paul. I owe myself the truth as much as I owe you the truth. I don't know what happened to make you want to quit Rammstein, but it's been a real spanner in my works! All this emotion and drama the last few days; you've made it really tricky for me to get a hold of you and say what I need to."

"Schneider, I'm really sorry if you feel I've neglected or avoided you, but that honestly wasn't my intention. I've had a lot on my plate recently, and I'm going through a.. er... transitional period in my understanding of myself.. my sexuality, and.. and my feelings about the band and the er.. the members." This was difficult. Paul took time and care choosing and emphasising words that would get his point across gently, but frankly he had no clue what he was doing.

"A-and what are you surmising?" Was that hope on Schneider's face? Oh shit!

"Uh.. well.. ummm." Paul shifted uncomfortably, looking at a picture of him and Richard that was hung on the wall. Schneider didn't seem to notice this, reaching a hand forward to cover Paul's.

"Paul, I care about you. A lot. I-I want us to be together..."

"Schneider.." Paul didn't know how to stop this, failing miserably in his attempt to interrupt Schneider's speech.

"I-I mean I love you, Paul. I.. you're just always so happy and bright, and even when you have your little panic attacks.. I know you. I've known you half my life and I really think... I think we could be together! I think we could make it."

If I tell him I don't love him it'll break him. I'd hurt him the way Richard hurt me. I can't do that. I'll tell him I care about him too, I'll keep him happy and maybe that'll make me happy too. I can give him what I'll never have but will always want; requited love. Or at least, seemingly requited. I can do it. Paul sighed. I can't do it.

"Schneider, you've been honest with me, and I owe you that honesty back." Paul paused, searching Schneider's eyes. "I.. I don't love you. I'm sorry."

Schneider tilted his head down, hiding his face. After a moment he spoke in a small, tearful voice. "Do you.. Do you think you could? In time, I mean?"

"No." Paul's voice was soft and mournful, "No, but listen.." He cupped Schneider's chin, forcing his old friend to meet his eyes, "I've been a fool. I've gone and fallen in love with someone who won't have me.."

"Richard." Schneider whispered, and Paul made no attempt to hide the pain that flickered across his face then.

"Yes, but Schneider if I could I would give you my heart in a moment. I can't think of a nicer, gentler guy. I know you'd never hurt me, and that's why it's so hard for me to hurt you, but I have to be truthful to you. I don't want our friendship to end, but I completely understand if you need some time to escape all this and get away from me."

"That's what you're doing." Schneider whispered, tears rolling lazily down his cheeks. "You're escaping from him. You're the same as me; you're hurting in the same way."

"Yes." Paul whispered weakly, feeling his eyes beginning to prickle and burn as tears bubbled within them, slowly beginning to escape and patter onto the leather sofa. "Yes I am."

"It hurts me to know you're unhappy Paul. It hurts me and it makes me hate him."

"No!" Paul's voice suddenly became urgent, his eyes staring earnestly into those of his bandmate, "No don't blame Richard. I love him so much."

"I will. I will hate him, Paul. I'll hate him for you, because you can't do it yourself, and because you don't deserve this pain, and because I love you."

Paul looked at the raw feeling in Schneider's eyes, feeling suddenly connected to this man in the emotional nightmare that had been forced on both of them. "Then I'll hate myself, Chrissie, because you don't deserve this pain either."

Paul didn't stop Schneider's tender kiss, instead kissing him back gently. The two men hugged each other tight, sniffing and crying into each other's shoulders. Why can life never be simple?

After Schneider had shuffled out of Paul's flat the guitarist sat down with a tired huff. He needed a break. Unfortunately life had other plans; the spot where Schneider had sat being almost immediately taken by Emil.

"So Dad.. I never realised you were gay.. or bi, whatever you are. I mean, obviously I always suspected, but..."

"Why obviously?" Paul couldn't hide a startled expression. Am I the only person on this god damn planet that's always assumed I'm a completely straight man?!