Deep Beneath the Pacific (Pacific Rim)

Chapter Nine: At War

February 29th, 2020 - Thursday - 6:12 PM.




"MISS WHITEHORSE."

I jumped, my head banging on the solid metal above me. "OW!" I yelped, bending back down with my hand on my head. That's gonna leave a bruise... I winced as I slowly crawled out of the compartment, trying to maneuver around the network of wires, pipes, gauges, and various other mechanical parts. I finally managed to crawl out, standing up and rubbing my head. "What is it?" I grumbled.

To my surprise, Welder stood there, his hands behind his back. He was wearing his usual expression: deadpan. "You've been working on Glacier Hijack for a... long time now..."

I frowned, gingerly touching the stinging area on my head. "Yeah... So?" Gosh, my head hurts! I wish I had some ice... Some snow would work too... Thinking of using snow for an icepack was an automatic suggestion because I used to live in Anchorage where it, obviously, snowed a lot. That made me think of the fun memories when Jason and I used to build an army of snowmen... Ah, yes...

I was beginning to drift off with my thoughts when Welder spoke up again, snapping me back to reality. "It's been eight hours. You've been working on Glacier for eight hours... straight." He raised an eyebrow.

I blinked. Eight? Surely it hasn't been eight already? I grabbed the handle of a toolbox that I was using, picking up some that had fallen out and then tried to cram them in the best I could. I walked out of the Jaeger, stepping out onto the platform - one of the many platforms all around the wall which allowed you to get at a Jaeger from nearly every angle. I was working on the inside of Glacier Hijack's upper right arm. I wanted to personally make some adjustments concerning the functionality of the robot's joints - a minor adjustment that probably wouldn't have been a "big deal" to any other J-Tech, but to me it was. This change could possibly save lives.

I looked up at a clock on the wall, squinting my tired eyes. It read "6:13". My eyes widened. God, it really has been eight hours since I've been working on Glacier! I heard Welder clear his throat and turned to face him.

"Marshal Sokolov told me to make sure that you take the rest of the day off... And go eat something." Welder said flatly.

I stared at him, a few seconds ticking by. I must have been really tired because I was having trouble thinking of what to say.

The J-Tech seemed to read my confused expression. "You skipped lunch."

I finally managed to nod, glancing down at the box of tools in my hands and - and, my hands! They were dirty from handling all the oily machinery. Nearly all black with oil. Fan-tastic. I sighed, placing the toolbox on a shelving unit that was to the side - it was actually full of toolboxes, each one belonging to a different J-Tech. Honestly, I had taken whichever since I was never assigned a "special toolbox". Anyway, it didn't matter. I could just flash my badge if an Engineer accused me of taking it. I had that much power. Enough power, that is.

I glanced back at Welder as I waited for the elevator down. "I'm... I'm going to wash up before dinner." I nodded at the Jaeger Engineer. "See you around... Welder?" By now, I had grown used to the expressionless man. I could keep a straight face now. Well, sort of.

The bearded man simply nodded in reply. I couldn't tell if he was happy, angry, sad, confused, or all of the above. I had to turn around before I smiled all of a sudden.

I stepped into the elevator, the doors closing as I wiped my hands on an already dirty rag that was latched on my belt. I was thankful for this J-Tech uniform that I was wearing. I didn't have to worry about it getting dirty, really. I even had extra sets back in my room to change into after I cleaned up.

I made my way back to my room, immediately turning the water on. I took a nice warm shower, feeling very clean and peaceful for once. My room was filled with the scent of lavender - or whatever scent of soap I was using. I was pretty sure that it was lavender or something. But who knew. I didn't care at this point. I just felt better.

I put on a fresh uniform and began to braid my semi-wet hair again. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, looking at myself. I finished my fishtail braid, my hands dropping to my sides as I stared at the person reflected in the mirror. It was me, of course... But was it the depressed Juliana living alone in the glum city, or was it the focused Juliana working at a Shatterdome and living "her dream"? I really didn't know - I was torn into two people all of a sudden. I was still struggling against all the memories that being back in a Shatterdome brought. I tried my best to move on, really trying to look ahead now. But it was difficult - like going against a strong current.

What was I doing here? Why was I staying here? Was this really where I wanted to be? I mean, of course I did - deep within, I wanted to work on Jaegers, no doubt. But there was another part of me who was struggling to contain chaotic emotions that were triggered by being in a Shatterdome again.

I knew that I shouldn't really be here. I didn't want to watch anymore Jaeger pilots fall or any of that sort - I didn't want to be... involved. I wanted to stay away from all of this. And since I was in charge of working on Jaegers, I certainly did not want to be blamed or responsible for their deaths. That would certainly be the end of me.

This was probably all because my father had died fighting in this war. I didn't want to watch others die in the same position that he was in.

Which was stupid, of course, since this was a war. And in a war, there are always casualties.

I realized then that I was at war with myself. And neither side was winning - but I couldn't tell if they were at a truce, or it was just the quiet part before an upcoming battle...

~~~

6:45 PM.



I had to admit, now that my mind was no longer in Jaeger-mode, I realized that I was hungry. Starving, actually.

My stomach began to growl as I walked down the hallway, the pleasant aroma of food hitting my senses. Gosh, that smells so good! My mouth began salivating, my feet responding by picking up the pace.

I stepped into the large mess hall, looking around as I saw many people chatting and eating. I immediately got in line and grabbed a tray. I told myself that I must only get what I was going to eat. A lot of times, my eyes ended up being bigger than my stomach, and I wasted food. That was something I learned in the past several years on my own - I had to watch myself.

I filled up my tray, making my way to the refreshments. I glanced at the chocolate milk, considering it. But really, it wouldn't go well with the food that I had on my tray. I resorted to the next best thing: ginger ale.

I slowly walked away from the food line, wondering where I should go from there. I came to a stop, my heart thudding in my chest. There were quite a lot of people sitting down and eating as they chatted with friends. I felt so left out... I knew no one here, as far as I could tell. I suddenly became extremely shy as I saw several people begin to stare my way as they talked in low voices.

"Hey, Juliana!" A familiar voice called.

I stiffened at the sound of my name. I turned to see Henry Jackson walking down the stairs towards me, a tray in hands. "Hello, Henry." I said in a even tone. But I tried to look friendly with a small smile. Rude? Well, let's just say he wasn't my most favorite person in the whole world.

Let me explain real quick. There are two sides to Henry: a rude and snappy side, and a friendlier side. I've experienced both, and I still don't like the man. He's deceiving. The Canadian stereotypes of being all friendly did not apply to the Jackson cousins.

The Canadian pilot surprised me with a smile. "...Care to sit with Theo and I?"

I hesitated. Why was Henry being so nice all of a sudden? Maybe he's changed over the years... Or perhaps he's being nice because I'm working on his Jaeger. Yeah, he better be nice to me. Who knows, I could somehow hide a prank in the system and give him and his cousin a little scare. Heh heh. "I suppose..."

Henry smiled again, walking away.

I followed him down an aisle, stiffly walking as I felt many eyes trained on me. They all knew who I was by now. Look forward. Don't look to the side... Look forward. Don't look to the side...

"Hey, Theo! We've got company." Henry sat down next to his cousin, gesturing for me to take an empty spot across from them.

I sat down nervously, keeping my eyes on my tray. There were so many people staring at me as if I were back from the dead. And... I am, technically, I reminded myself. Everyone had assumed that I was killed in a Kaiju attack. Or perhaps they had all forgotten about me and were now surprised at my presence. I glanced up at the Jackson cousins, feeling their gazes on me too.

Theo was looking at me through narrowed eyes. But he said nothing. I supposed that he was only keeping his mouth shut because I was upgrading his Jaeger. Otherwise, he'd be letting it all loose.

Henry had started eating already. "So... Heard you've been working hard..."

Yep, total players. They just want their Jaeger to be awesome and upgraded. I scooped up some mashed potatoes, avoiding the cousins' gazes. "Yes... Worked on Glacier for about eight hours, actually."

Silence followed.

"Eight hours...?" Henry spoke up. "Like... Straight? Is that why you weren't here for lunch?"

I nodded, putting a forkful of mashed potatoes in my mouth. Man, these taste good! Why did I skip lunch? I forked up some more, looking happily at the yummy mush on the end of my utensil. I hadn't had mashed potatoes in such long time. Well, this good, at least. Even by negotiating and earning ration cards, I never ate this well back in the city. This really showed me how much of a big difference it was from the Shatterdome and the city. And I thought I was pretty well off. Maybe compared to some others, but not to the mess hall here.

"Theo and I were looking for you at lunch... We were going to ask about your progress." Henry said, slightly frowning as he took a sip from his beer. "Some dedication for eight freakin' hours..."

I took a sip from my can of ginger ale. "Well, I've done a lot on the Glacier today. Mainly minor repairs and such, really. I have most of the blueprints down - no major changes yet. I have to program some things tomorrow too." This ginger ale is really good too... Everything is good. I don't know why...maybe because I hadn't eaten in EIGHT HOURS. I looked at the ginger ale can as I talked, reading the PPDC label on it. "I haven't worked on a Jaeger in such a long time... I would have continued working on her for who knows how long if a fellow J-Tech hadn't stopped me."

We pretty much ate in silence after that. It was a little awkward because none of us knew what to say. The Jackson cousins and I had never really gotten along in the past, and it seemed that we were only being friendly to each other now for work. I remember Jason and them getting in lots of fights, always ending in cuts and bruises every time they encountered each other. So we kept quiet and that worked out for us.

I couldn't really speak anyway; I was stuffing my face.

As I ate my dinner, my mind began to wander again. I was thinking about Jason... I wanted to contact my brother as soon as possible, let him know that I was alive. All these years... He thought I was dead...

Then sudden reluctance hit me. I began to feel afraid of how he would react if he found out that I had been alive all this time. Happy, of course... Well, I hope. He wouldn't be mad, right? Right. He was my brother, of course.

But for some reason... I was just... afraid.

I looked down at my tray, noticing that I had pretty much ate everything. I sighed, my shoulders drooping a little. No, I have to contact Jason soon. If he were in my position, he would want to contact me as soon as possible.

I finished my ginger ale in a gulp and looked up at the Jackson cousins. "I'm done... Thanks for the company." I picked up my tray, standing up.

Henry just nodded. "Likewise..." Then he spoke up again. "Where are you going now?" Henry was easy to read for me, and what I guessed what he was really asking was "are you going to work on my Jaeger? Or what?"

I gave him a small smile. "I think I've worked on Glacier long enough for one day... Besides, the Marshal requested that I take the rest of the day off. I'll work on her again tomorrow. But for now... I think I'm just going to chill in my room and go to bed early."

Henry simply dipped his head. Theo didn't even glance up at me, nudging his food with his fork.

"See you two around." I said quietly, walking around the table. I could feel the Jacksons' gazes burning into my back as I left the mess hall.

Ah, it was good to be back.

~~~

7:58 PM.


I was running. Running blind as the scenery around me blurred into a watercolor painting. I felt my lungs burning as my legs were just about to give out.

It was chasing me.

I yelped as I felt something catch and curl around my foot, tripping over a crack in the asphalt. I landed with a thud that knocked any remaining air out of my lungs, gasping. I turned around to see rows and rows of sword-sized teeth and an endless black hole. But what scared me the most were its four blue slits of eyes, locking on to me and narrowing in victory.

I screamed as it scooped me up in its mouth of death in one quick swoop.



I gasped awak in cold sweat. I immediately sat up, looking down at my hands to see that I was trembling uncontrollably. I closed my eyes as I tried to steady my rapid breathing. It was just a dream, it was just a dream. Actually, that wasn't entirely true - it was a memory, actually. An exaggerating one, really, but a memory. I opened my eyes. No, I will not think about it.

That was my first nightmare in a long time. Wait, let me rephrase that.

Ever since my father... you know... I've had nightmares and ended up seeing him die every night in my dreams. I'd wake up crying, and Jason would run over to my room and have to sooth me to sleep. Sometimes it took five minutes, other times it took several hours. I felt bad for waking him up and keeping him up nearly all night sometimes. But as it turned out, he was usually already awake - having nightmares of his own.

After a while, I started getting better. I didn't really have any nightmares that would shake me so terribly for a long time.

Then I started getting them again. And this time, they weren't only about losing my dad.

It was the day that the everyone assumed I had died in a Kaiju attack. Everything changed after that. I started to get migraines from powerful memories, especially from that one Kaiju attack. I would even have severe anxiety attacks, causing me to fall to my knees and gasp for air as if I were choking.

Then a couple years passed. I started to learn how to push them away, you know. I got better.

And then everything just had to change.

I came back to the Shatterdome. Of course, it was all like a flashback to the past, and all my hurtful memories were activated once again. Ironic how the happiest place on earth to be for me was also the most painful and depressing place.

And now the nightmares were back. More vivid then I remember them being too.

I held myself as I shivered in my bed, still shaking from the experience. I pressed my eyes shut. Oh, God, no. Please, no. Make them go away!

But that was just too much to ask; I knew they would return, unfortunately. And this time, I somehow knew that they wouldn't just simply fade away. I was living at the Shatterdome. Actually, several Shatterdomes. I was back in the game, and so were the nightmares.

It was like that old saying: I was gambling at a high-stakes poker game with bad cards.

~

I stared up at the ceiling of my room. I've been in that position for a while, just thinking as time ticked by.

I, as you could imagine, couldn't fall asleep after that nightmare. I was tired, of course, but I was more afraid of what I would see next to go back to sleep.

Knock! Knock!

I slowly turned my head towards the door, wondering if I should get up. No, I'll just pretend that I'm asleep or something... I closed my eyes, even though I really didn't want to. Darkness was the last thing I wanted, especially after my nightmare with that black hole. I even kept the lights on in my room.

Knock! Knock! "Miss Whitehorse, are you in there? It's Marshal Sokolov!"

My eyes flashed open. Holy moly, it's the Marshal. Gotta get up, gotta get up. Forgetting everything, I leapt out of bed and bolted over to the door in a hurry. I paused to try to fix my hair a little and hoped that I didn't look like I had just rolled out of bed. In which, I just did.

I opened the door, trying to look casual with a forced smile. "Oh, sorry, Marshal!"

Marshal Sokolov didn't respond right away, looking me up and down. "At ease..." He said to me as if I were a soldier. Which, in his eyes, I probably was. Actually, everyone in the Shatterdome to him was probably a soldier. And that was technically correct.

I relaxed my shoulders, looking expectantly at the Marshal. "What can I do for you, sir?"

"One, I came to check on how you were holding up... I heard that you skipped lunch and continued for eight hours straight." The Marshal said, looking at me with raised eyebrows.

I merely smiled and looked down at my bare feet. "That is correct, sir... Guess I just got caught up in work." I shrugged. "It's the only thing I can do now... Only thing I know how to do. Work." I looked up to meet the Marshal's eyes, seeing a certain level of sympathy and sadness in them.

"I see..." Marshal Sokolov dipped his head. He remained quiet for a few moments, seeming to be thinking of what to say next. "Well, um... Remember that Mark-3 Jaeger? Gipsy Danger?"

I lowered my gaze. "How could I not, sir?" The left-hemisphere Ranger had solo-piloted and killed a kaiju. And he survived it all. He did the impossible - well, something only he and another guy before him did. It was technically impossible. A huge achievement... with a high cost, of course.

"Well... the heads at Oblivion Bay are wondering if you want to scrap anything from it."

I looked up at the Marshal to see if he was serious. He was avoiding my gaze, obviously irritated to be delivering me this news. "Me?"

Marshal Sokolov met my eyes. "You've taken Dr. Schoenfeld's place. It's your choice now."

I already knew my answer. "No." I said fiercely. "The Gipsy deserves a final and peaceful rest." I realized that I needed to watch my tone with the Marshal. I didn't want to get on his bad side... "I just..." I sighed, trying to think of the right wods. "Scrapping her would mean disrespecting the pilots who served the world with their lives..." I thought about the one pilot who died, and how the other had to live with the loss.

Marshal Sokolov smiled, obviously pleased with my answer and nodded. "Glad that we're on the same page." He sighed, smiling. "Well, I'll let you get back to...?"

"Sleeping..." I finished hesitantly. More like staring up at the ceiling, or curling up in the fetal position...

"Right."

I watched Marshal Sokolov walk away, suddenly realizing exactly what position I was in. A rank very important that even the Marshal himself needed my permission. Well, the heads of Oblivion Bay wanted my word. That was pretty big.

I closed my door, looking down at my feet. I wasn't going to sleep tonight. Not right away, at least.

I slipped back under the covers, staring up at the ceiling once again. I remembered how Jason would come over every night to check on me. If I woke up screaming from a nightmare, he would come over and comfort me. And in the rare occasions when I didn't scream, I would walk over to his room with tears running down my cheeks and cuddle in bed with him. And he'd let me stay with him. Because I realized that he was hurting just as much as I was. He was just better at hiding it.

How old was I then...? I didn't care at the moment. Just young. Too young for such memories.

I couldn't fall alseep. No. I was afraid of what nightmare would arise next.

And what happened whenever I had a nightmare? Jason. I would go to Jason.

I sat up in bed. I needed to talk to Jason.

Now.

-----

[ I know - I'm late on the updates. :c I'm so sorry. It was the holidays and oh, my gosh... I was running around all over the place and just didn't really have a lot of time to edit and stuff. I apologize greatly.

So, I know I owe you all like...three chapters. (I usually update about every three days) But for now, here is one. I will try to update again this week. But, you know, New Year's is right around the corner. o.O

Thanks for the 600+ reads, everyone! c: It really makes me happy that some people are actually reading. ^^ Well, I know a few people are. <3

I am getting towards the "richer" part of the story. ouo Stay tuned for some canon characters. c:< ]