time to begin [n.h]

twenty-three; revealed secrets

 "I'm a wreck and I know it, and I tend to show it every chance that I get. Butterflies in the skies, they just fly on by. Yeah they're making me sick. They don't flutter about, I'd do without. All they do is kick."

I write into my diary. I'm using it as a song book since the book holds all of my memories and past, I thought it should hold my songs too. It's been three months since Simon talked to me and since then, I've been writing all the songs I can and working on all the other album details. The boys were ecstatic when they found out I got signed and we threw a huge party, inviting people like Ed Sheeran, Cher Lloyd, Little Mix and plenty of others.

Christmas came and left fast; Niall went back to Ireland and I said I was going to do something with my family but I never did. Do I even have a family anymore? We had exchanged gifts a week before Christmas, right before the boys left. Niall got me a new guitar and notebook in front of the group but he gave me a silver charm bracelet in private. It's absolutely beautiful. He's already put a few charms on it; a plane, a music note, a small notebook and a butterfly. I know what they all mean except the butterfly, but he never explained it to me.

Still writing down lines for my song, I play a few notes on my keyboard the way I planned for it to be like. The piano part is a bit easy, but it fits the song from the way I'm planning it. I sing along with it, pressing down the keys to the piano with my eyes closed. I've been working on the song for a while so I have most of it memorised, I just need to finish up the chorus.

Niall and I have been dating for four months now, in my opinion, we've been going strong. Despite how long ago I've done it, he keeps checking my wrists for more cuts only to find nothing. I flip to the next empty page in my diary and write the date at the top.

3 March

Wow, look at me, writing like a Brit. They're really rubbing off on me, I can admit that. Louis keeps commenting on how British I'm sounding these days but I don't hear much of a difference. Sure there are those words or sentences where I just go 'woah, that sounded British' but it isn't too often.

Niall and I have been dating for a while now, I really don't want our relationship to end. There's something with Niall that I never felt with Liam but I can't put my finger on it. I think I saw Liam more as a friend than a boyfriend. He's been really sweet, I've been wearing that bracelet he bought me for Christmas every day. Just looking at it makes me feel warm inside. And I've been thinking about this for a week or so, but I think I'm in love with him. It isn't like I'd marry him right now or anything, we're only four months into the relationship and I'm not sure that I'm actually in love with him. I don't know what being in love feels like.

He makes me happy, really, really happy actually. Whenever I'm feeling the least bit sad he can make me smile and laugh at his silly antics. I can remember that just over a year ago, I mentioned how my favourite is Liam. Everything that Liam did just made me want to tackle him and kiss him over and over again but now, I'd rather do that with Niall. Although, Liam will always have a special place in my heart. As a friend.

The way that Niall made a move on me was kinda sudden. When Liam had left to the bathroom that day, Niall just flat out said "I think I'm in love with you" then kissed me. Since we barely knew each other I didn't think he actually loved me but I can't assume what's going on inside his head. He hasn't said the L word since.