retrograde.

;fifteen

chapter fifteen: picture yourself in a boat on a river with tangerine trees and marmalade skies. somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly; a girl with kaleidoscope eyes

The Saturday following, I got together with Blake and Eli, and dropped acid to celebrate me receiving my first blowjob. Blake's dealer had ran out of weed, so he just gave him acid tablets until he got his next shipment, which is a weird second option seeing how different they are and how different the effects of them are, but I guess I can take what I get. Reed didn't receive an invitation for obvious reasons. For all he knows, Me, Blake, and Eli aren't even hanging out.

We chased down the tablets with Minute Maid orange juice bottles we got from Quick Stop, along with other snacks, and laid in the bed of Blake's truck with mood music playing as we waited for the high. It takes about ten minutes for the full effect to kick in, and when it does, it's like I instantly lose every ounce of common sense that I have.

I get the idea to go swimming to make the experience better. They all agree, and I offer to drive. Blake, in his impaired state, forgets that I do not have a license, no form of driving experience, and more so, the fact that I'm high, lets me take the wheel. I, being just as impaired, and honestly the most stupidest kid to walk this planet, drive the car.

I struggle as I crawl through the back window in the bed, and into the front seats. I pick up the keys from the passenger seat, stick them in the ignition, turn them sideways, and position myself in the seat. I stare at the steering wheel for a wholly three minutes before I realize that I'm not even moving and that it's just the acid that's messing with me and making it seem like I'm actually moving. I press my left foot on the nearest pedal below me, and I feel the car quickly jolt backwards.

"Casper!" I hear Eli shout from the back, "What the hell are you doing?"

My vision in front of me becomes extremely distorted and melted. The red stop sign is now melting like a wax candle and slides down to the street, which is also melting. I'm hearing shouting from the back, but all it sounds to me is muffled and sounds like it's being said backwards. I proceed to try again, this time, moving the gear to drive instead of reverse, and pressing down on the pedal. And within seconds, I'm going fifty miles per hour down an empty road. The passing scene before me crumbles ahead, and it's as if as I'm approaching a cliff. The feeling is exciting, but scary at the same time.

The voices continue, and the scene melts even more. There's a feeling in the back of my mind telling me that I should probably stop, but it's like my foot is stuck to the pedal. But with the mix of the colors, and the thrill I'm getting, not stopping outweighs the option to stop. I'm approaching what I assume is a right turn, and I jerk the steering wheel to the right probably a little too roughly because I'm gravitated to the side along with the car. At this point, the cliff is gone, and all I can really see is dark grass and rough ground.

The car stops suddenly without easing its way into it, which means I'm jerked forward but I instinctively move my hands to the top of the steering wheel to guard my face from hitting it. The engine is killed and I feel my shoulders being gripped by someone who's shouting in my face. But I'm too distracted by the melting face of who I'm guessing is Blake, who continues screaming at me. I'm too dazed to understand what he's saying, and I'm guessing he gets upset by that and repeatedly slaps me in the face. Hard enough for it to get a message across, but not hard enough to hurt. More words are said, but I don't hear a thing he's telling me.

There's a huge gap somewhere between there, and all I remember is that sometime later, I'm lying on the couch in my living room. I'm staring at the ceiling, and I didn't even process it until Caden's face comes into view.

"You stupid fuck." He says.

I roll over on my side, and exhale a sigh. The high has worn off, and now it's time for the coming down part. I've come to realize that I'm sweating, my mouth is dry, I'm shaking, and I feel like I'm about to vomit at any second. Caden slides the plastic trash can from the bathroom towards me just in case I do, and hands me a glass of water that I don't hesitate to drink. He sits down next to me, and doesn't say anything for a while. I don't look at him, but I know he's practically staring daggers into my soul. And for this reason, I don't make eye contact with him. I just keep my gaze low, like a dog who knows he's guilty.

"You are so lucky mom and dad aren't home, because if they were, they would have grounded your ass into oblivion." Caden lectures. "You better start thanking the man upstairs because someone up there is really watching out for you."

I feel like a complete idiot to say the least. I can't even be mad at Caden for grilling me like this because I deserve it. Driving while tripping on acid is honestly the stupidest thing I have ever done. There's nothing that comes close to it. I put my life in danger, and I put the lives of my best friends in danger as well. All because I wanted to celebrate something that I probably should have done something simpler for.

"Acid, Casper?" He continues, then stands to his feet. "Are you fucking serious? Do you know what that shit does to you?"

"It's not like it was heroin, Caden. Chill." I argue back, obviously not thinking my statement through because while it is true, it doesn't help my case.

Caden slaps me upside my head. Hard. It's much different from Blake's in the car. Because this time, he really wanted to cause some damage. It's in my best interest to keep my snide remarks to myself when I talk to Caden while he's like this because he does have a history of anger management problems. That's part of the reason why I didn't tell him about Kevin jumping me, because I knew he was going to go after him and do something about it. And while that may seem ideal, the last place I need Caden is in prison for aggravated assault. Because that's just how Caden is; if you mess with someone he loves, he'll mess with you back ten times harder.

It was the most difficult thing I've ever faced, trying to hide the injuries. My parents and Caden were getting suspicious, and I was getting desperate. One night, I was complaining to Violet about how hard it was to literally hide from my family, and she suggested makeup. I was completely against it at first for obvious reasons, but Violet told me it was either that or just tell the truth. And since I didn't want this to be a bigger thing than what it already was, I agreed.

She had to take me shopping at MAC to find stuff for my face because we're different skin tones. We bought everything; from primer, foundation, concealer, and setting spray. I spent the entire night learning how to apply makeup to the point that it doesn't seem obvious. I got some serious heat about it from the boys, but as long as I didn't look like the human form of a worn punching bag, words held no effect.

Nonetheless, his tirade plays on. "I already chewed out Blake for not only giving you the drugs in the first place, but also him letting you drive a car when you're not even trained to operate one properly. Why would you even think about doing something like that?"

"It wasn't Blake's fault. He didn't know I had the keys." I lied. I didn't want Blake getting in trouble for something I was responsible for. He didn't deserve it.

"But he gave you the acid." Caden goes on. "He's not exactly guilt-free here no matter what you say."

I let out a sigh and put my head in my hands. There was definitely no way out of this no matter what excuse I spin. Caden doesn't say much after that besides telling me to go up to my room to sleep off the side effects. Of course I don't argue, but seeing him look at me the way he did made me feel like utter trash.