Harry's Notebook

Chapter 3

Louis' pov

I stared at the first page, a hand covering my mouth and teary eyes.

I love them, one more then the rest but he doesn't know that.

Harry loved me? My best friend fucking loved me and I never knew. It must be me. Zayn and Perrie are engaged and it can't be Liam.

I wanted to puke, my stomach turned and I smacked the book shut. How could I have been so obvious, how did I miss that my best friend loved me.

The familiar feeling of a tear rolling down my cheek made itself known as the watery liquid made a wet trail over the red skin. I wanted to hurtle the leather book across the room, but it was the only thing I have that is Harry's.

How could he love me? I was a nobody compared to Harry, he had this amazing and caring personality while I could never sit still. Harry never made a scene while I loved being in center.

And I didn't feel that way about Harry, I mean he's my best friend but I love Eleanor, my wife.

I groaned and closed my eyes, under my eyelids were a pair of emerald green staring back at me. I would never see that color again, never be able to make Harry's eyes spark. I would never be able to make him smile.

I turned to I lay flat on my back and the book pressed into my hip. I carefully took it in my hands and laid it on my stomach, feeling the light weight. With a deep breath I opened the book again and read the next page.

I haven't told anyone yet, not even my own mother.

How could he deal with this on his own, I would break if I found out something like this. Harry was always so strong but never would I have expected him to know that he was sick and still carry on like nothing happened.

He wrote that I slept in his bed the day before, I remembered that. Eleanor and I had a small fight and I felt so lonely, I'm a shit. I used my best friend for comfort and he had feelings for me so he let me.

The guilt ate me piece for piece and I had to hold back the tears from spilling over again.

I know I will die and all I wish for is a kiss from the love of my life.

One kiss, he wanted one kiss. I would give him the world if I knew he felt this way, I would give my best mate a kiss if that's what he wanted.

But maybe that wouldn't make it better for Harry, if I kissed him without loving him maybe that would only hurt him more.

I'm so confused, hurt and crushed.

I love Eleanor, so so much but I love Harry too, just not the same way. Harry was like my little brother not lover. He was the one I went to when I needed to talk, when me and Eleanor had a fight or just wanting some extra attention. I am the biggest jerk ever. I knew Harry's door always stood open for me and I over used it. I just never saw that he did it because he loved me.

I used him.

I used my best friend, and now he's dead and I can't tell him how sorry I am. I was just so used to him always being there that I wasn't there for him.

I hugged the book close to my chest and bit my lips so hard I felt the metallic taste of blood, but that didn't stop the tears. Nothing did.

I lost my best friend, who I treated like trash.

I deserve to feel like this, I deserve much worse. I deserve pain, not happiness.

My chest tightened and my throat felt so small I couldn't get oxygen to my lungs.