Harry's Notebook

Chapter 20

My head throbbed as I slowly blinked my heavy eyelids open, the sun rays burning my eyes and I closed them again. Groaning.

I felt sweaty and my mouth bone dry, not even well rested even though I slept the entire day and night. My back hurt from sleeping on the floor but I couldn't make myself care about that right now, only the banging in my head.

I rolled over to my stomach, face down the dirty floor, not even disgusted by it.

I need to apologize to Angel, like right now. He didn't even know what happened, I just threw him out.

“Angel!” I yelled into the floor, gasping at the pain.

“Yeah?” came faintly from under me. I breathed for a second, trying to make the throbbing go away.

“Can you come up?” I didn't get a reply so I closed my eyes and tried to push yesterday away, my throat hurt enough for me to remember.

The door creaked open, hitting my hip. I rolled over, letting who I hoped to be Angel come inside. It was.

“Hey, are you okay?” he asked quietly, bending his knees and sitting down beside me. He pulled the damp hair from my eyes.

“No” I moaned as more pain stabbed my brain. “I did something stupid yesterday”

Angel kept on petting my hair, gently pulling me closer to his lap. “What did you do Lou?”

I hesitated, he would be so disappointed in me. “I took some pills, or one pill really” I whispered due to my headache. Angel's hand stilled.

“What pill did you take?”

“I don't know, I asked him to get a sleeping I'll but I'm not sure if that's what I got”

“Asked who?” his hand started to move again, massaging my scalp with tender movements.

“The guy you told me about, the druggie”

“John?” I nodded, groaning at the throbbing. I just wanted to scream until the pain went away.

Angel didn't say anything but his hands got a bit aggressive, moving faster but not in a way that hurt. I whimpered.

“Are you mad?”

“No Louis, I'm not mad. I just, I've seen people come out from his flat and they look ruined, please tell me you at least paid him in money” Angel pleaded. I felt my cheeks flush in a burning red.

“I- umh, I. No” Angel stopped again, this time cupping my jaw and I opened my eyes. I was expecting to be met with disgust, disappointment or maybe even pity, but Angel held no judgment in his eyes what so ever. So told him, “I sucked him off” the older man nodded, tracing the shape of my eyebrow with his index finger. It felt relaxing and just like yesterday the alarming panic of how intimate it was washed over me but this time I pushed it away. Angel is my friend and I can't throw him out every time he touches me.

“Okay, did you feel better this morning, after taking the pill?”

No I felt like crap, still do. “No”

“Then you shouldn't take it again, go to a Doctor if you want sleeping pills, real once and not some random pill. Okay Lou?” I nodded, looking up at him and letting a small smile paint my face.

I wasn't too sure if I could take any aspirin or any other pain killer so when Angel helped me up I just asked him to look for some crackers or something to eat. He held onto my arm as I laid down on the sofa, groaning again, the sun made my eyes go blind.

Angel shut the blinds and began searching for something to eat. “Lou, you don't have any crackers, if you wait a minute I can get some from my flat?” he stuck his head out, thick strands of hair falling messily around his face. I made a sound, not sure if Angel took it as a yes but seconds later the door softly shut and I could hear him pad down.

I wanted him back close, but still as far away as possible, no touching or sweet talking. But I want tender hands caressing my cheek as I cry and arm holding me when I sleep. It hurts my brain to think of all of this and my confused mind doesn't help either.

Hi Boo, are you okay

“Yeah, my head hurts like a bitch tough” I groaned, not opening my eyes to see Harry.

I'm glad you told him about the pill

I turned to my side, shoving my hands between the cushion and my left cheek, lids still closed.

How are you feeling

“I don't know”

Does Angel make you feel better

This time I glanced at the boy, smiling softly at the sixteen year old, hair curlier and a bit puppy fat still on his tummy. He looked so innocent. “I guess, it's like I'm somewhat happy sometimes when he's around” I said and Harry leaned in closer, his chin resting on the cushion right next to my forearm. “But not like you, nobody could ever become you, ever make me happy like you”

Eleanor made you happy

I bit down on my lip hard, telling myself it was only my mind, not the real Harry saying this.

She made you happy and then you forgot about me

“That's not true” just that it was, I know. I ignored my best friend for a girl. I left him alone.

But it is

“I'm sorry” I forced the tears to stay in my eyes, clawing at my neck to think about something else. “I'm so, so sorry Hazzy”

“Lou?” I glanced up trough the watery vision, Angel took a hesitated step towards me, a bag of crackers in his hand. He bended down to my level.

“Don't touch me” I whispered when his hand came close to mine. I looked around for Harry but he had faded away.

“Okay, I wont. But you have to eat” I felt sick to my stomach, no apatite to eat the small crackers. I shook my head. “Please just eat three” he took three of them, I could smell the salt and it made me nauseous. “Please” he repeated, eyes pleading.

“One”

“Two and a half” I shook my head again, ignoring the pain.

“Two or I will bug you the rest of the day” I reluctantly nodded, taking two of the three crackers Angel held. I ate them slowly, chewing for what seemed like hours. My jaw complained and my throat still hurt from yesterday but not too badly. Flashes of yesterday and how the boy, John and snapped his hips hard and fast into my mouth covered my mind and I felt my hands shake.

“Hey Lou, calm down, breath. Whatever it is or see it's not real, I'm real. I'm right here with you”

“He called me whore” I sobbed, tears once again clouding my vision and falling rapidly. “Hold me” came as a whisper and the next second I was in Angel's lap, feeling his hair tickle my chin as he murmured how I was anything but a whore. Beautiful things. Hands over my arms, fingertips ghosting over exposed skin, throat, wrists, the part where my shirt had riddled up.

“Beautiful”

~

AN: i thought the pic on the side fit this story quite well (it's sad though)