A Thorn Among Roses

Discovering Me

I first began thinking about my gender when I was five years old. My mom told me and my younger brother about a little girl she knew who was a girl even though she was born a boy, and naturally I thought, "Am I a boy?" But quickly dismissed it. My gender was never really an important part of myself as a kid. I didn't always like the nicknames and assumptions that came with my birth gender, but I didn't really think anything was wrong until mid seventh grade. On December 6, 2015, I discovered I was pansexual (at the time I called it bi but yeah) and dated a friend of mine named Avery. Avery later came out to me as agender, and asked to be called by they/them pronouns. It was then that I really started to think about my gender in more depth. I had never really gone through dysphoria, so I assumed this meant I couldn't be trans. I called myself a demigirl (someone who only partially identifies with the female gender) for a few months while I pondered more. This label suited me and I wasn't really uncomfortable with my name and pronouns before about late March/early June. It was then that I started calling myself Conner. I picked this name out of a list (I think it was Hunter, Mark, Conner, Kayden, and Zack) because no one at school had that name and I felt that I could be any of them (I found out there is another Connor later and am now extremely jealous of him but I like my name and I'm not changing it). I called myself genderfluid even though my gender rarely changed from male, and eventually stopped changing all together. I came out to two of my cousins and a few friends by mid July, but I was completely horrified at the thought of starting school. I knew I didn't want to go by my birth name, but too many people knew who I was for me to change it without being noticed and eventually outed to my parents. When school started I just went by my birth name and hoped it wouldn't cause too much dysphoria. On August 26th I came out to my mom as genderfluid and told her I wanted to go by Conner. She told me she'd think it over and get back to me. The next week was very stressful. I was constantly being questioned and I felt like they were trying to get me to mess up and say something that proved I wasn't genderfluid. This really messed me up. I had waited to tell them when I was certain they'd accept me. For them to not accept me was very painful. My mom bought me guy clothes and a binder that I've worn every day since, but they still have yet to use my name and pronouns. I came out to my parents about 3 months ago and since then I have realized I am FtM (Female to Male) transgender, and that I do want to go on T and get SRS. Finding myself was a long and confusing process, spanning about 9-10 months long. And it is hard when you aren't supported fully or sometimes at all. I have only come out to one teacher this year, but my close friends use my name and pronouns, which is very satisfying for me.