A Thorn Among Roses

Dysphoria

Ok, so lately I have been getting really upset and dysphoric over the smallest things and it's getting extremely difficult to deal with. I'll see videos of other trans guys on musically who are happy with themselves and are accepted by those around them, and it is honestly very hard for me to see because I don't personally feel like I have that. Although many people do know about my being transgender, I don't feel like many of them care or try to use my name and pronouns. Granted, most of them did meet me with my birth name, and that takes time to correct, however, when they don't seem to put in the effort to get it right it makes me feel like my opinions and feelings are irrelevant. With these "dysphoria attacks" as I've been calling them, going out in public is harder than normal. Even though I wear a binder, I don't always feel like it does anything. And I hate having to hope it's working all the time. But even with a binder and guy clothes, I still don't pass. That's very hard for me to deal with, because it makes me feel like a failure when someone who just met me uses the wrong pronouns. It also doesn't help that my parents are still introducing me as "their daughter, *birth name*" to everyone that comes over. I don't think my parents really understand how much dysphoria I've been feeling. They're pretty sure this is just a teenage identity crisis, and it could be, but I think it's more than that. When I want to cry just because I have to leave the house and be seen as something I'm not, it doesn't seem like a phase. But maybe they will eventually start to call me the right things. It's also hard for me because I tend to refer to myself in the third person during conversation (examples are like when I say something along the lines of "he says even though blah blah blah" or "well this little boy must go") and I have to change what I'm saying to some groups of people. Just yesterday I nearly called myself a son in front of my grandparents, which would have been a disaster. So I also live with the permanent fear that I'll say something stupid and everyone will know. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but that's a bad way to come out. I'm just hoping that somehow everything will work out. (It won't, who am I kidding?)